Perseverance

I'm exhausted. I spend every day trying not to complain about that. I shouldn't be. I don't go to work every day. I don't work 12+ hours a day like I used to, well, not entirely. I work hard, maybe I work harder then before because I'm invested in my work. I always used to be the first to scoff at my friends who were housewives and complained. "You have someone that wants to come home to you...kids that love you." I know and I've always known that the grass is greener. I knew they worked harder than I did but they had something that it made it worthwhile. I do too. But, I wish that made it easier. Looking out for more than one, anticipating the next needs and next steps of everyone in your house, or family...holy crap. It. Is. Never. Ending. Is laundry done? Lunch made? House clean? Who's birthday is it? What holiday? Do we have gifts? Is school work done? Are the bills paid? Do we have money to pay the bills? Has the dog been walked...to the vet...is she ok? What am I forgetting?

The funny thing is I used to stress this much about my clients' needs while thinking I had my shit together at home. But making sure I have everything together at home because I have to make it perfect, is a whole new level of trying to be perfect. I hate trying to be perfect. I'm so bad at it. I'm so not perfect...but I want to be. Same way I wanted to be cool as a kid, but I wasn't. But I tried so hard at it.

So it's even worse when people are telling you how to be perfect...at work, almost 20 years in, you could tell people to bugger off because you know what you're doing, or at least think you do. But when people try to tell you how to make the people you love happy and it's new to you and it matters...you listen harder and worry even more.

So...perseverance. Excelsior. Try. So. Hard.

Then, fail. Then hear you need to try harder and worry less. Then be better, healthier, stop doing what you're doing.

Yea, it never ends and you never stop trying. You're the definition of insanity...determined to get it right but being told you already have yet doesn't seem that way.

#exhaustion

Why mental illness sucks

When you have to memorize all the recipes for holidays for years...and you have to say "this is how she does it"...when she is alive, just not well...

When all you want is a smile or even a nod of approval for hours of work...

When you try everything to make someone smile, and nothing you do can make them feel better...

When you just want to know you're doing the best you can, and you hope that's good enough...

Mental illness robs you of all that. The pain is beyond words. But you keep moving on. You give your best cheer. You tell everyone else it will be the best holiday ever until they believe you. No matter what you're suffering from - emotional trauma or pain of your own.

Just. Keep. Trying.

Everyone else depends on it and hopefully you won't break...even though you desperately want to.

Brutal truth

If I have to be honest, no one will ever know how hard you work to make the "perfect holiday." It will never be perfect and I wish I was talking about the Rockwell portrait. It's everything else, accommodating the needs to make everyone feel special. The cleaning, the cooking...the general dealing with insanity and anxiety of the family members.

There's no immediate joy, it's one of those long term ROIs. But it will pay off, for someone who remembers...

Or at least you died trying.

But that's why God invented bourbon.

Happy Thanksgiving! May your holidays be merry and bright.

Smooches,
G

A Simple Formula

Presence + Perspective + Priority = Present (as in gift)

This idea started in my head on my daily walk with the hound today. If I had to sum up the lessons I've learned this year it would be these 3 Ps. I've heard so much this year about presence - being in the moment, savoring time...it was the cornerstone of our marriage ceremony from our pastor. We even nudge each other from time to time about this - especially when those stupid cell phones start buzzing, typically for no good reason. 

And then there's perspective. I'm good at being stressed and worrying. It was one of the things I was known for in my career. I always try to work with the worst case scenario before I figure out the best one. Things can always, be much worse than they are and that's been proven all year long. Worried about a job? No problem, let's throw in a biopsy scare. Or how about volunteering at a food pantry to show you that there are way worse places to be in life.

Which brings me to priority. This one is a struggle. Every hour, every day, sometimes even down to the minutes, we have to assess our priorities. We have a million "important" people, places and things. Yet time gets tighter every day. Deciding what is the necessary is our new daily routine. That requires both sacrifice and compromise, which thankfully, we try to do as best we can and give each other grace. Do I want to spend as much time as humanly possible with my husband? Yes, actually... we're one of those couples that hates being apart. So, it really sucks the days he gets home from a long day and we have maybe an hour to work with or he needs to head to school or just needs to zone out. Or I have to go help my parents when we have plans or we need to share our time with people because we know it's the right thing to do.

I think we have our 3 Ps pretty well aligned and that's what makes all of this a present to us. It's not something I had before and I'm hoping it's something we can continue to maintain. It ain't an easy thing to juggle...but we do our best.

Smooches,

G