There is no bad guy

Here's the deal...there is no bad guy. I've watched a million stories and there is always 3 sides to every story. So if anyone thinks I'm blaming them for my lot in life, I'm actually thankful for where I wound up in the present.

I don't blame anyone for my mistakes. I own them all. The same stories the kids tell about being excited for Aunt G to come home because I was the only "adult" to watch the play that they made up is the same Aunt G they watched being a drunken fool.

If I learned anything it's to own all the stupid shit I've done and continue to do. But I do the best I can and I keep trying. Every. Single. Day.

That's all we can do. Be ourselves, and that comes with the price of being silly, stupid and making mistakes. That doesn't make it right, but it makes us human. And if anyone out there sees this than that's my belated Christmas wish. Be yourself. Be stupid. Be human. It's legit all we are and all we ever will be.
Just own it. Own who you are and what you want to be. Apologize for your wrongs. Own your mistakes. But be yourself. Don't leave anyone hanging on the hopes of who they think you can be. Just be you. But if you're not who someone thinks they are... set them straight. They deserve your truth no matter what your flying freak flag shows.

The end is always nearer than you think, my loves, so do it your way.

Smooches
G

Look at this photograph...

Ok, that's enough Nickelback. But seriously, if a picture tells 1,000 words there's so many more behind this picture. I finally moved back to Jersey after years of living everywhere else but home. I was married...trying to make that work. We didn't get to make this party the year before, because "we had too much to do" with our wedding. (While an amazing party, there's nothing left when it's overpriced and overplanned). That was already a bone of contention since I had never missed a Magni Christmas party and I was devastated.

The year before, I was scolded for drinking too much...which back in the day was not a real thing at the Magni party. It was the party of the year. MY party of the year. No matter where in the world I was, it was the one thing I could depend on to see everyone I loved in one place. You just didn't miss this party.

No event came without rules during this marriage and this was no different. I was warned that if I acted how I did 2 years prior, we would be leaving immediately.

I was finally home, but I was trapped and I never realized just how much until I stepped inside the house. I walked into the kitchen in a noticeable daze. I remember friends coming up to me, asking me if I was ok. I was in the middle of a full anxiety attack everyone and everything was fuzzy. I was offered a drink - nothing new about that. I sipped slowly, knowing I was being watched. Then I slipped into some nog, which was a common staple for me at the party.

Eventually, I realized that I could slip more booze into the nog going unnoticed while I'm sure people kept my ex distracted. And then for this moment, the same soundtrack, as it had been for nearly a decade, was bumping. I danced like no one was watching and became me again - if only for this moment. Someone caught this picture of me, remembering how it felt to be free because for that moment, I was. I paid for it later, and if memory serves I wasn't allowed to celebrate NYE with my friends because I was irresponsible or he didn't feel well. Whatever the excuse du jour.

I'm thankful for this picture because it reminds me how far I've come in life and what hell I had to go through to get there. To be free again, to be me again.

This year, is so different...there was no Tree Day...in fact, it's artificial. No ugly sweater party, a newer tradition (if 5+ years is newer). But despite the hurdles, it's so much more. Tomorrow, my parents will be here for the first time in a decade and we will be actually celebrating the holidays on the actual day. My husband, who is no holiday fan, has spent the past 3 weeks decorating the tree when I was stuck with work (honestly, a rarity these days which is another blessing)...crafting his exterior illumination skills with our outdoor lights...doing his best to make this Christmas special. He succeeded.

It's been a year for us all but despite all the craziness, I choose to remember the good - I'm loved, I'm happy, I'm not just employed but have a job that I love but isn't my life with an amazing team. And not only am I never told not to be me, I'm encouraged to be...even that means dancing to whatever ShopRite has rocking.

These are the moments. The ones I hold dear. I miss seeing my friends, I miss being able to hug everyone but I know next year I will appreciate it all that much more. I hope if you're reading this that you take a moment and try to remember all that too.

Smooches,
G

And there it is...

Holy COVID and basically years of so much other drama. Sometimes you see something that reminds you of yourself. This is it.. 4 years ago, tree day. While I'm not a fan of this year, I'm grateful for all the good things and surviving Covid and having a great job...and one that allows me to have a great life outside of it. Irony is having spent the last two months being turning down to recruiters and trying to pass them along to people in need. I'm thankful to have the smile on my face that is still the same, 4 years later. And I'm thankful to the person who put a smile on my face to begin with.

Sometimes, there’s just lyrics

Stolen ones, but still...lyrics have always been my strong suit. Music, that's for you to find and me to listen. 

Tell me that you'll turned down the man

Who asks for your hand
'Cause you're waiting for me
And I know, you're gonna be away a while
But I've got no plans at all to leave
And would you take away my hopes and dreams?
And just stay with me, ooh

All my senses come to life
While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I
Have ever been and I'll never leave again
'Cause you are the only one
And all my friends have gone to find
Another place to let their hearts collide
Just promise me, you'll never leave again
'Cause you are the only one

Take my hand and my
Heart and soul, I will
Only have these eyes for you
And you know, everything changes but
We'll be strangers if, we see this through
You could stay within these walls and bleed
Or just stay with me, oh Lord now

All my senses come to life
While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I
Have ever been and I'll never leave again
'Cause you are the only one
And all my friends have gone to find
Another place to let their hearts collide
Just promise me, you'll always be a friend
'Cause you are the only one

Stumbling half drunk, getting myself lost
I am so gone, so tell me the way home
I listen to sad songs, singing about love
And where it goes wrong?

All my senses come to life
While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I
Have ever been and I'll never leave again
'Cause you are the only one
And all my friends have gone to find
Another place to let their hearts collide
Just promise me, you'll always be a friend
'Cause you are the only one

Escape countdown day 2

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long

Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me, and escape"

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape"

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you"
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape"

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I'm the love that you've looked for, come with me, and escape"

Playlist countdown

I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand
Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand
Life is good today, life is good today

Well, the plane touched down just about three o'clock
And the city's still on my mind
Bikinis and palm trees danced in my head
I was still in the baggage line
Concrete and cars are there own prison bars like this shit I'm living in
But the plane brought me farther
I'm surrounded by water
And I'm not going back again

Got my toes in the water, ass in the sand
Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand
Life is good today, life is good today

Adiós and vaya con Dios
Yeah I'm leaving GA
And if it weren't for Tequila and pretty senoritas
I'd have no reason to stay
Adiós and vaya con Dios
Yeah I'm leaving GA
Gonna lay in the hot sun and roll a big fat one
And grab my guitar and play

Four days flew by like a drunk Friday night 
As the summer drew to an end
They can't believe that I just couldn't leave
And I bid adieu to my friends
'Cause my bartender she's from the islands
Her body's been kissed by the sun
And coconut replaces the smell of the bar 
And I don't know if it's her or the Rum

I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand
Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand
Life is good today, life is good today

Adiós and vaya con Dios
A long way from GA
Yes and all the muchachas they call me Big Poppa
When I throw pesos their way
Adiós and vaya con Dios
A long way from GA
Someone do me a favor and pause for the Jaeger
I'll grab my guitar and play

Adiós and vaya con Dios
Going home now to stay
The senoritas don't care-o when there's no dinero
Yeah, I got no money to stay

Adiós and vaya con Dios
Going home now to stay
(Come on prop it up by the lake)
With my ass in a lawn chair
Toes in the clay
Not a worry in the world a PBR on the way
Life is good today
Life is good today

It’s a lonely night in <<insert city here>>

Ah, husband...this is for you. Long before you shared my love for Mr. Broussard, I used to sing this song to myself on my seemingly infinite business trips. It's what got me through being away and what made me realize how much I just wanted to come home. I'm so happy that life finally found away that traveling doesn't drag me for weeks or even days so I can be home with you and our fur kid. 

Thanks for dancing with me in the aisle when he played his last song and humoring me when I wanted to play him during our ceremony, only to change the music to your surprise, to my most favorite musician - YOU. 

I love you,

G

(YouTube version: https://youtu.be/AiDdHa4VVOs)

 

Stoplights turn into skylines
And my mind turns to you
Two hundred miles behind, off to this roadside dive
Wondering how this cup of coffee's gonna see me through

This has been our story, same sad song
Ever since the day, the day you came along

It's a lonely night in Georgia
And everything I do reminds me of being with you
It's a lonely night but I'll be alright
'Cause I'm coming on home, coming on home to you

Skylines turn into stoplights
Another town, another crowd
When all the peoples gone home
I'm left all alone, with nothing but you to think about

This has been our story
I know you've heard it all before
'Cause every time I come home
You know I'm right back out that door

It's a lonely night in Georgia
And everything I do reminds me of being with you
It's a lonely night but I'll be alright
'Cause I'm coming on home, coming on home to you

The mark of your body
Through these tall olden pines
The sound of your heart beat
Brings your skin to mine
Your peach can sit right by your southern suns tonight
Now, my senses are heightened for the last 100 miles

It's a lonely night in Georgia
And everything I do reminds me of being with you
It's a lonely night but I'll be alright
'Cause I'm coming on home, coming on home to you (3x)

Lord, Lord, Lord, 
I've been gone so long
Lord, I've been on the road so long
But don't you worry darling
'Cause I'm coming on home tonight

Mona Lisa Vito

If I could be anyone, it would be her. Posi-traction.

How to Save a Life

Admittedly, I had unprofessionally cracked when posting on Facebook about this conference call - that would end at 5:48 am with a total of 7 hours 46 minutes and would continue an hour later. We had worked 4 solid days and nights on top of it.

By the time my now husband and dad found me since I was too drowsy to get husband from airport, I was nearly hallucinating and couldn't stand up straight. I wish that it ended there but this torture continued for several more days.

Definitely my breaking point but chronic reminder and although I went through an insane two year journey - I discovered what it meant to get your life back.

While the past two years have been filled with uncertainty and a healthy dose of fear, the trade off to have a life I love is immeasurable. I still have fear, but I know I'm not in control of what happens next. I just keep on hoping and praying for peace and balance - breathe and be grateful every chance I can. It's not perfect, it's filled with ups and downs but there my own ups and downs. I'm not at the whim of an insane dictator with a company. It's lovely and here's hoping for even better times ahead.

Smooches,
G

#truth

Often people who give of themselves often don't get help because they forget to ask.

When you have a lot of love to give...

This has been one crazy summer. I wish I could say it's been filled with concerts, beach time and all the other fun stuff. It hasn't. Long before we said I do...maybe when I said "yes" on the beach, life has thrown just about everything possible our way. Lost jobs, house issues, parent health stuff...bring it all on it. Yet, we've drudged through it all. There's a saying about making sure you're in the foxhole with the right person (something like that...war is not my speed). But we're battled tested and continue to be.

There's times that I'm overwhelmed, or he is. But, we keep going. As much as we've been through, the blessings we've received never remain unnoticed or unappreciated. So, we give back. Not in the most common ways these days - we don't cut a check to say thanks. We help our neighbor clean up her front yard - I now have way too much landscaping experience for a girl who hates bugs and sweat. Maybe sometimes we find ourselves lending only an ear.

What do we get back? Building an entire community and foundation of friends and family - the best of all - friends that become our family. Throughout all the times we wondered how we would make things work, we've received the same helping hands from the least expected places.

Hubs and I can't go anywhere without making friends. We've tried hard to even avoid it, so we can focus on each other. But, as I love to say, everyone has a superpower - and ours is friendship and love. Apparently, we have a lot of love to give, and so we do so as much as we can to whomever we can. (I mean really, who winds up having friends from a funeral? Yes, that's happened).

Sometimes we want to be selfish, be alone, rest together. But it seems to be our calling to spread our happiness and love to those around us. So we go with it and it continues to pay us back three fold - if not more.

Our lives are hectic, stressful, trying but there is rarely a time that we can't find something to laugh about or enjoy. Even if it's just singing to bad music in the middle of BJs while spending a fortune on food.

I get frustrated, trying to seek perfection...but then I realize how perfect living an imperfect life really is. I'm grateful. Every. Day. I may not see it or show it all the time, but, that's the hard truth. We are blessed, we are lucky and we are and are in love.

Smooches,
G

Thoughts and prayers

Listening and love cost nothing. Google "Loneliness" and you will see it's become a public health issue. I typically avoid posting my opinion but it seems it's the right time to say something. I hate dreading the weekend knowing it will be news of where the latest mass shooting is - then making sure I don't know anyone in that area. I'm all for thoughts and prayers, but maybe it's time for action - action that isn't about bans or blame. There's plenty of that to go around. Take some time. Make some friends. Talk to people. Love them, even if you may not understand their POV. Build the community you want to be a part of and maybe the results will surprise you and all of us. What do we have to lose at this point?

Life is pain highness

Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Eight years ago...damn. I worked so hard for this moment. Not pictured: the sheer pain I was in, 40 miles in to a 60 mile walk...500+ miles and 6 months of training. My only thought: just be strong enough to keep up and be there for your best friend. I was so worried I wouldn't make it and would be an embarrassment. She thought I was crazy, not much new there. But we walked...it was an amazing experience to support breast cancer...something that my mom would be diagnosed with a month later. So much for my thinking that we would get a pass for thousands in fundraising, 60 miles of walking, a bee sting and countless blisters including one under my toenail (don't try that one at home). My mom turned out to be one of the lucky ones...a lumpectomy and done. I wish cancer was that simple all the time but it isn't. But this pic, thanks to Facebook memories, reminds me that we love, we fight, we may not always win...but we keep marching on. I'm sad today. I'm angry today. I may rest for a bit, but tomorrow, I walk on - with my friends and family beside me in spirit or otherwise.

Smooches,
G

Oh hey readers...

Because there is more than one. Had a much needed girls night which felt
Like herding cats (pun intended) but never realized how much the other cats needed it too. Stalkers reading the blog.

We all need some nights out. We all need to vent. We all need each other. So 2020, that's happening. We may have forced some to stay out late and drive but, we need to have some down time.

We're all struggling which sound bad, but it's not. We just all need some time. For hiccups, belly laughs, bad selfies and love. Because there's way more of that which needs to come around and go around.

Even if you are 16 3/4 on the list.

Kudos to Chelsea for the 2 shots Deep Eddy Vodka, strawberry purée and seltzer mix.

Smooches
G

Sometimes it’s just lyrics

Sometimes, though rare, I get complaints that I haven't written in awhile... but sometimes, all I have are lyrics... and they're not my own... though sometimes they are... but this song, it haunts me. Thanks for the open door and the love. Happy 1+ years babe, the only one still reading this. It's been a heck of a ride for way longer than that... but you remain my superhero. 

When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

When everything feels all over
Everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all worry out of your mind

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart, to your heart

I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today you'll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say

Let my love open the door
It's all I'm living for
Release yourself from misery
There's only one thing gonna set you free
That's my love
That's my love

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door

When tragedy befalls you
Don't let it drag you down
Love can cure your problems
You're so lucky I'm around

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart