Doesn't Anyone Want to Know What I Think?

Cyberfists are flying.. everyone is alllllll angry and stuff! And you know why? Because I gave someone 15 minutes of fame that probably didn't deserve it. Telecomedian and Melissa, I want you to kiss and make up!

We're all on the same team here, the team that hates abnormally stupid, clearly retarded straight, single men who give the nice guys out there a bad name. Now, I could say all men are pigs or jerks and in general suck. But I know that's not true. I know lots of nice men, its just that none of them are single and the rest are certainly not straight.

And here in lies my dilemma. I either have to convince someone they don't love male parts or they don't love their wife. And I pretty much love all the wives I know, so, at the moment, I'm stuck.

So you ask, how could I possibly love my life despite having absolutely no luck when it comes to love and well, printing (after the 5,000 blue instead of silver calendar debacle)?

I don't know, really. I got friends that clearly will duel to the death when they feel I've been wronged, I got a extremely looney family that despite all their faults (and there are many) are like watching the Waltons on acid and I have the ability to laugh at no matter what this universe throws my way. My life is down right funny.

Or maybe I'm just in a good mood because my stylist hugged me after he gave me a fabu new cut and color (still a brunette, relax everyone) and told me I should come visit his apt. Ah, I love stylists. They never do you wrong. I had the worst day possible in the office, we won't even talk about the rest of me AND I had another doctor's visit (this time I wasn't deemed pregnant, but they did keep pushing the STD screening.. had to chuckle at that). After all that and wanting to cancel my hair, my sweet stylist loaded me up with his own boy problems, gave me a hug and sent me on my way.

Awww. Did I mention that I'm also now out $20 from the tip?

Smooch,
G

Flounder is another word for Fluke - a tale of a slippery, slimey fish that got away

Hi Everybody,

So, there has been a lot of debate about whether or not to write this blog entry. Schmeffster seems to think that the subject of this entry doesn't deserve to extend his 15 minutes of fame any longer... but again, I'm in the business of doing a public service for women and girls who will one day face the trials and tribulations of dating.

As I mentioned about 35 days or so ago, I had the opportunity to go to the phillies vs. nationals game.... not only me, but a few of my friends were all invited and free of charge... considering my expectations have been lowered to someone just showing up, we were off to a great start!

And the game and time I had were both fantastic. I totally enjoyed my date... even better I had friends with me who were able to judge whether or not this guy was cool (considering i have the worst taste and luck). As we left, my friends and I both agreed... that everyone seemed to have a good time and my date seemed to be a legit guy who was really fun. Everyone impressed so far?

Well, I'll go a step further. While my doubts were few, the next morning, I awoke to have a 'good morning' text message on my cell phone. Dag, G is on the right track, finally... Normal dude, decent manners, funny, etc.

Negative, ghostrider. This date was a fluke (or a flounder).

Apparently, Date must've noticed me proposing marriage to him on the Jumbotron screen because the text message was the last I'd heard from him.

Until this week. That's right 4 weeks later, Date emails me the football tale that you all read earlier. No explanation, no back story.. no tales of being trapped under a heavy rock, held for ransom or winning a lottery.

Now, Schmeffy said I need to school these boys and I felt a twang of guilt being that I posted that email... so, I wrote back to Date. I asked him why... why even bother to write me now and why if you had a good time would it take this long to get back to me.

Fear of commitment, not ready for a relationship, scared... was the reply... and I received numerous emails the rest of the day and after me being a complete pain in the ass, the emails ended with his message "ahhhhh i see your now dragging my ego into it, good move, i do have one.... i see i'm gonna have to knock your socks, i will consider this my homework and get back to you tommorrow...."

Knock my socks he sure did... he never wrote back again. That, my friends, is impressive.

Now, to be fair and to avoid a future lawsuit, I did email him letting him know that I would be disclosing this story. He mentioned something about moving to Bolivia and changing his name.

So, why relate this to flounder? Well, one, because my dad would be proud. Two, because flounder/fluke like this date, hover on the bottom of the ocean floor. Essentially, they're flat looking, bottom feeders, only possessing one good side.

As for end of this story and this date... I didn't know you could catch flounder in Bolivia... I'll have to ask my dad, the boat captain about that. As for me, it appears that I'm heading back out to sea to catch some more fish... I'm told there is plenty of them.

Good night and Smooches to all,

G

Happy 100th Post!

Yep, its my 100th entry... yay! This comes to us from Nicole...

Nicki-E, I hope your week gets better.. I know mine is off to a rough start too. Stay tuned for tomorrow's entry.. I'm told mystery guest from yesterday's post is going to have a rebuttal.

Smooch..
-G

i am putting this week on notice....

dear "this week",

hello, it's me nicole. now, i'm sure you heard about all the fun "last week" had playing tricks on me and making me cranky. but let me tell you right now, i will stand for it any longer. i know the idea seemed funny....me in an apartment with no heat. and then this morning having the police swat team come back again. so "mr. this week" shape out or ship out !!!!

love, nicole

why a girl like me knows that sundays and mondays men go missing...

first prize goes to whomever (whoever?) figures out the origin of this message below....

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY(think tractor pull commercial) everything was going wrong, i got up late, got stuck in traffic near the staduim, got locked out of the tailgate parking lot, got to the tail gate proceeded to eat drink and mingle all in 30 minutesi was like the speed talker... get in the game, ugghh those 16 flights of steps are murder.. game is frustrating we should be killing these guys! ut oh! chargers just score to go ahead with 6 minutes to play, eagles on offense ' alright fellas let's get it going here-' INTERCEPTION! donovan throws one right to the other team... a shocked silence comes over the staduim... the chargers kick a field goal, the stands start to empty... us guys up in the lower stratusfield next to the cumulus clouds, bit our lips and say i'm not leaving, holding out hope for a miracle... it gets uglier, the chargers drive to the 19 yard line and line up for a field goal, we get up trying to feign hope preying for a miss and then - BLOCKED! jaws hit the ground, EAGLES PLAYER MATT WARE PICKS IT UP AND STARTING RUNNING FOR THE GOAL we all start screaming 'GO! GO! GO! WE ARE ALL JUMPING UP AND DOWN, more than a few oh my god, i don't beleive it's we heard. at one point i am stop to look around, it looks like a bomb went off- there's a pile of 6 or 7 guys screaming at each other layered across three rows- i think 'that has got to be painful' to my right i see a dad and his 4 or 5 year old son- the dad is crying hugging his son and saying 'your first game, you'll never forget it!!!' down to my right is an old couple- they never get up, never say boo, just quiet clappers, they are embraced, my witnessing of this is interuppted- BAM..my buddy mike owens tackles me AGAIN... the staduim collectively starts to breathe again, we do the eagles fight song... its the perfect last after shock of a volcanic eruption... ahhhh we say, still flowting on a prayer answered....OUCH! there's still time left the chargers are driving.... yikes! TACKLE HIM TACKLE HIM! RIPPPPP! sheldon brown has just stripped the ball- BALL BALL BALL I SHOUT AS IF THEY'D hear me 470 rows up... we got it! WE GOT IT! yeah yeah yeah... huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu i'm out of breath it's been so crazy.... i am standing with hands on my knees waiting for the inevitable booth review, as i hear 'the stands as called, 1st down philadelphia' i plop into my seat and close my eyes... i sit there and contemplate- no amount of money, no chemical, nothing gives you THIS kinda feeling... owens and i trudge back to my car spent and exhuasted... we join the post game tailgate and heckle a couple of our weaker members who left before the 'MIRACLE' saying joe- did you see that, dorothy- were you going bonkers too? bob- did you see---- bob scoops up his son and heads towards the car, muttering 'i'll never do that again'... okokokok i know i am going on and on... how was your weekend?

Someone Who Needs a G-Lesson

Is this person kidding me? Ok, I try not to write about "news" stories or articles, but this is a joke. I really need to send this chica a letter... or if I see her on the street, I'm schooling her.

Enjoy!

-G

5 Guys Every Girl's Gotta Date

So you're out on the town, looking for a cute guy you?ll click with...who'll be the next lucky dude? Who's your usual type? Before you answer, wait a second, and let us urge you not to date your usual type. You'll benefit big-time by dating various types of guys. Here's why: Each will stretch the boundaries of what you think makes a suitable mate and teach you a unique set of skills that will come in handy when you do meet The One.

Type #1: The Older Man (Dupont circle laps anyone??)

There comes a point in every guy's life when he's no longer interested in keg parties, Sony PlayStations, and phrases like "getting laid." In short, a man becomes a man, and that's exactly why you should see what an older guy is all about. No, it's not because he could be a sugardaddy who'll shower you with fancy meals and great gifts (although that could be nice).
The real perk of dating an older guy is his worldliness and wisdom, which is bound to rub off on you, says Steve Nakamoto, author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man. "Because he's had more life experience and has been through more than younger guys, he can play something of a teacher role," he explains, adding that he once dated a woman 14 years younger than him. "She still calls me today to thank me for the things I taught her," he says. "She's always been very appreciative of advice I gave her, even little things like buying a CD, after I explained that I meant certificate of deposit, and not a music album!"

Type #2: The Starving Artist (ah, broke-ass actor guy...)

Okay, sure: These dudes are not going to take you to fancy restaurants or even pay for your half of the dinner bill. Money, nice meals, and material goods don't mean squat to this guy--and that's exactly why you'll have an incredible time once he opens your eyes to life's simpler pleasures. Erika Meitner of Charlottesville, VA, now sees the world differently after a summer spent with a struggling musician, Jesse. "We went on the best dates, because they all involved great conversation and the most unexpected adventures," she says. "He knew all the best cheap beer bars, where the jukeboxes rocked, and colorful people always wanted to tell Jesse their stories." Not only will the world seem infinitely fascinating, but you may feel more fascinating, too, as you become inspired by his creativity and perhaps play the role of his muse.

Type #3: The Metrosexual (I'm pretty sure this was the drunken former model dude... didn't work so well)

OK, so he may be better dressed and more recently manicured than you. Get over it--because not only will you reap the obvious benefits of dating a guy like this (by being able to borrow his expensive shampoos), you'll get a chance to live a happenin' life! These guys will take you to all the hottest clubs and coolest clothing stores, and let's not forget just how fabulous you'll feel walking hand-in-hand with a man who looks like he just stepped out of an issue of GQ. The benefits don't end there: His style may well rub off on you. "That's significant," says Nakamoto, "because it makes her feel better about herself, as well as making her a stronger player on the social and professional fields."

Type #4: The Bad Boy (Um, been there, done that)

This rebel might have a motorcycle or not, but one thing's for sure: He lives on his own terms and is not about to apologize for them. Hang with him for a while, and you'll learn why being bad can feel so good--and how to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Talk about liberating! "In general, women tend to be pleasers, much more so than men," Nakamoto says. "A bad boy can show them what it's like to quit trying to make everyone else happy, and just do what you want." New Yorker Diana Petroff has first-hand experience of these bad-boy benefits, having once dated one of these rebels. "He knew there was more to the world," Petroff explains. "And from being with him, I learned to look deep inside myself for what's truly important--rather than just accepting what my parents or friends thought was the proper path for me."

Type #5: The Nice Guy (If I find this one, I'll let you all know)

He never makes you feel insecure or uncertain, never plays hard to get, never makes you doubt how he feels about you. It's a shame that we need to explain this one, and yet we know how hard it can be to date a true sweetheart, at least at first. "A woman won't be used to the frequency and consistency of affection nice guys give, since most other guys who are playing the dating game don't do that," Nakamoto explains. Even so, he advises that women get used to the nice guys, and quick. Why? Because once you've had the good stuff (a guy who calls when he says he will; a guy who wants to see you more often as he gets to know you), you won't stand for anything less. At the same time, that doesn't necessarily mean you should start sending out the wedding invites after a few months. "Just because he's nice doesn't necessarily mean he's the right guy," Nakamoto warns. "He might rate low in terms of romantic chemistry, because he lacks the edge that creates the kind of surprise, passion, and excitement that all people want in their lives."

Of course, the key is finding the man who has everything you want--until then, however, go ahead and try everything and don't worry so much about whether you've found Mr. Right. Trust us, he's out there. In the meantime, have fun!

Maura Kelly is a freelance writer living in Washington, D.C. who?s written for Glamour and other publications. While she?s dated all of these types, she most highly recommends The Nice Guy.

Breakin' All the Rules

Guilt has overtaken me, so despite dull throbbing pain in my head, I will divulge the rest of my weekend.

I managed to break several basic rules this weekend and being that I live to serve as an ongoing PSA for y'all, I will cover so that you can learn from mistakes.

Rule #1 - The Drunk Dial
This is the Golden Rule of drinking. Never, ever decide that after several hours of drinking that you need to call someone and tell them a. you're thinking about them or b. you love them and want to have their babies. Ever. Especially, if this is someone who when you are sober would not want to talk to you or vice versa. Although I didn't ask her permission, I will reveal Nicole's remedy to this issue which may make her a millionaire one day soon. Nicole has invented the "drunk dial cell phone breathalyzer". This breathalzyer would judge your level of intoxication and would only allow outgoing calls to 911 and your mother. Sheer brillance if you ask me. Roomie added an upgrade which would be an operator who acts as a screener and has a 5-second delay on your calls. Therefore, if you managed to fool the breathalzyer, you'd have someone that would monitor and disconnect you whenever appropriate.

Rule #2 - Re-Entry
Never re-enter the same bar in the same night. I broke this rule by re-entering the same bar, not once, but twice. Making matters worse, due to yet another blow off by super spy (Papua New Guinea strikes again?) and my newly discovered Bermuda Triangle superpower, I have lost the will to care when it comes to boys. After all, I'm never going to see or hear from them again, so why not just be as crazy as I really am? With my cell phone in lock down and several drinks into the night, my theory seemed even more brillant. So, brillant in fact, that I decided that the bartender needed my phone number. What I wasn't expecting, was re-entering the bar two more times after giving it to him. As Roomie would say, "Oot."

Rule #3 - Pseudonyms
Pick a fake name/number and go with it. This takes practice. Also, don't tell people that you are telling them your fake name and further more, don't also give out fake names to those around you (like the bartenders). Alcohol is a truth serum, people. Look out.

Hope everyone enjoyed the much needed sunshine.

Smooch,
G

Best Pick-Up Ever!

Alright kids... this has got to be the funniest thing that has happened to me yet.

Yesterday, I did a tri-state area drinking and pool hall binge from 2ish to about 2ish. To top that, we went on the great Alexandria ghost and the graveyard tour (locals, save the cash, we weren't scared--and i'm scared of everything, just ask schmeff about the time we saw a horror movie in the theater and i screamed when someone in the audience sneezed).

But I digress, OK, so after moving from MD to Alexandria, we decide to go to a dive bar. I won't divulge the name, but you'll know if you've been there because you need two people to sit on the "couches" to keep the balance of the seats and when you do sit down you're greeted by the smell of what can only be described as something dead caught in the walls w/a slight hint o' cedar. Knowing we needed to circulate a bit closer to the windows across the room, we decided to play some more pool. (I managed to get my friend totally addicted, and now she's way better than me... figures!)

Into our second game, there he is, my white knight. Whew, this boy is a Q-tie.... for someone out there who is attracted to the broke, shake you down for your money actor guy I dated. And he clearly gets women. Why do I say this? Because he goes over to the juke box and plays Smack my Bitch Up by Prodigy. THEN, he proceeds to sing it quite loudly and add grunting noises "SMACK MY BITCH UP, OOOH, UUUUH" and slaps his chubby lil' hands together (I guess it would be considered clapping in the key of white boy rhythm).

I don't even need to tell you because you all know this kid is coming for me right?

Just as I'm about to make a mean long shot, I feel someone tugging (literally) at my sleeve.

Creepy monkey: "Hi!"
G: "Hi."
Creepy monkey: Can we talk?
G: Actually, I'm in the middle of a game right now. (Aren't you impressed, learning how to say no!)
Creepy monkey: Doesn't mean you can't talk to me.
G: I really like to concentrate when I'm playing.

If I had one more beer in me, I would've said "Gee, after witnessing that rendition of Smack My Bitch Up including full slapping motions, I'm sure you're really nice and sensitive.. but I've already dated several people with anger management issues, and I think its best if you moved it along."

But, still, give me props at least for saying no! I mean I was out with a whole group of people I never met before, and while I'm sure they would've understood, I would hate to start a bar fight. (Ok, who am I kidding, I'd love to start a bar fight, but it would be helpful to have the karate kid along for stuff like that).

Tonight, I get to do this all over again, this time all gals... I know this is going to play out lovely!

I will keep you posted.

Smooch,
G

And I thought my life was bad...

Poor Bushie... I'm glad I went past his house this weekend and said what up.

Even sadder, I think his approval rating and my dating percentage are the same at this point.... But this picture says it all.

Bush approval rating dips to 39 percent - poll

President George W. Bush's job approval rating has fallen to a new low of 39 percent in an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll released on Wednesday.
Bush's approval rating dipped in the poll below a mid-September ranking of 40 percent. The survey also found only 28 percent of respondents believed the country was headed in the right direction, NBC reported.

Bush's political challenges have been piling up in recent weeks, from criticism over his handling of Hurricane Katrina, to growing unease over rising gas prices to conservative discord over the nomination of Harriet Miers to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Many conservatives are outraged that Bush picked the White House insider with no judicial experience instead of a judge with clear-cut conservative credentials who could be counted on to move the high court firmly to the right.

Twenty-nine percent of people surveyed said Miers was qualified to serve on the highest court in the United States, while 24 percent thought she was not qualified and 46 percent said they did not know enough about her, NBC said.

The poll also found that strong majorities did not believe that recent charges against former House Republican leader Tom DeLay of Texas or a federal investigation of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, a Tennessee Republican, were politically motivated, NBC said.

DeLay has been indicted in Texas on money-laundering and conspiracy charges linked to campaign financing. Frist is being investigated over a stock sale.

With the 2006 congressional elections a year away, 48 percent of respondents said they preferred a Democratic-controlled Congress, compared with 39 percent who said they preferred Republican leadership, NBC said.

The 9-point difference was the largest margin between the parties in the 11 years the NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll had been tracking the question, NBC said.

The poll of 807 adults was conducted from Saturday to Monday and had a margin of error of plus or minus 3.4 percentage points.

For Those Keeping Score...

i just tapped into my bosses m&m stash. i know why its there, now. i found a typo in the calendar going to print today. the same calendar i have read 400 times. i cry.

in case y'all are keeping score here is my day in a nutshell:

1. hard contact lens breaks in hand this morning, another $150 down the drain
2. soaked on walk to work
3. typo in going-to-print calendar
4. disappearance of last week's boy just in time for date #2 (still not telling the story, though)
5. other boy emailing me about some other girl he met online, still "technically married" which he found out after "sex jokes were exchanged" (i will only go out with this guy if someone pays me)

Nicole's New Addition

Congrats, Nicole!! It's a Dior!

Smooch,
G

Helloooo City!

Schmeffy used to yell at me that I never fully appreciated and enjoyed NYC because I never took the time to explore it. With the first non-rainy, hangover free day of my weekend, I decided to stop hearing his voice in my head and take my first urban hike. After all, living here for almost 8 months, it would be nice to say that I actually saw a museum or something.

So, outward I trekked, stopping only for a pumpkin spice latte (necessary for endurance reasons while urban hiking). I walked through the dupont circle farmer's market (remeniscing only briefly about my power-walk date), stopping at a few stores, past the white house to say what up to bushie and then finally to the museum of natural history.

Before you say, "G, we know you don't care that much about nature or history", the real reason why I went there was for the 2nd floor. The Harry Winston Jewelry Gallery and the Hope Diamond. Nothing lifts a single gal's spirits like checking out 64-carat nearly flawless diamond surrounded by 100s of little diamonds to form a necklace. And let me tell you, I also learned that Napoleon had damn good taste, giving his wife a tiara made of turquoise and diamonds. See learning can be fun!

Midway through the exhibit I received a call from Nicole who did something similar to deter her singleton aggravation. Ms. Nicole has bought her happiness in the form of a Christian Dior saddle bag. Unfortunately, the pic she sent me didn't come through or else I'd have posted her new baby. But when it does, I will share it with y'all.

Hey, $5-dollar latte, 5 mile hike to a museum to see someone else's honking jewelry or a gazillion dollar hand bag... whatever it takes for us to get through the day!

Hope you all had a fun weekend! Tonight I'm hoping for sweet dreams of what it would be like to put all that jewelry on all at once and hold Nicole's Dior bag... kind of like the time Phoebe got trapped in the jewelry store jail when she tried to walk out.

Smooch,
G

Warning for Single Straight Men!

I have some bad news to report. There has been a recent discovery that I am the Bermuda Triangle for men. That's right... people go out with me once and are never heard from again.

I make them disappear. I don't know how. If I did, I'd start by locating the magician, which I thought was a fluke, but now that I see it is a trend, I feel kind of bad. So, men, beware... date me at your own risk. (I would say "proceed" but that's another blog I know and "enter" seems kind of pervy).

Anyway, I do have another story I will eventually post, but I'm on hiatus from date posting until I manage to hit a date #2.

Enjoy your rainy day.

Smooch,
G

Is Everyone Having the Same Day Today??

According to a survey from my association, everyone handles stress differently. I'm sure this doesn't include my way, which is manical laughter followed by speaking or writing in espanol, haiku or rhyme. It turns out, you give a haiku, you get a haiku. I give you some haikus from today. And sadly, I don't even get to do my normal burgers y pool stress relief because roomie is working late. :-(

half smooch (because I sad),
G

A Work Haiku by Me
head is pounding hard.
need drinky to help me think.
day is very BAD.

Response Haiku by Melissa (also having a bad day!)
just took a long nap
have the strength to go on now
hope you feel better

Haiku #1 by Roomie

I just read your blog
You're one funny chick, but please
Don't date to amuse
(about time he read my blog!)

G's Response:
If you can read blog
You can make burgers y pool
Please don't make me beg.

Haiku #2 (A Response) by Roomie
Unseemly beggar--
I had time at lunch to read
Your blog, which is fun

Dilemma...

I'm in a difficult situation at the moment. After making fun of the Schmeffster, the second purpose of this blog was to keep everyone informed about my defunct dating, and thirdly for the occassional update on other things in my world. Oh and also as an outlet for Insecta (currently on hiatus, but to return in January 2006).

Now, I have a problem. I need to tell you all about my weekend, because, that's my job. But, I only have good things to report from the land of G... thus leaving me boring and average.

Alright, let me try and give you the highlights:

Friday, I was invited to go see the phillies vs. the nationals by one of my blog fans. I must admit I am a bit riddled with guilt since he spent a lot of time saying "now, before this winds up in the blog..."

So, now its in the blog. The only thing I will say about the night, was that it was a boatload of fun. And now, I'm not quite sure how I'm can keep going on bad dates and having bad times without harming the offenders. Because I was spoiled by getting to go out and have a super good time.

Oh, and even though it didn't help us in the end, the Phillies did kick ass and win.... looks like its time to focus on the Eagles.

That's about the highlight for me this weekend, though, kids. I slept most of Saturday and had a minor shopping meltdown (rent really should be optional) today w/my sister-in-law. It's not my fault that I can hear dresses talk to me when I shop. I do everything to stop the voices, but "buy me, G, I'm on sale" keeps plaguing my ears. Maybe that should be my new career... the clothes whisperer.

Anyway... I'm off to a concert. Hope all is well and everyone enjoyed the sunshine.

Smooch!
-G