And again...

December 31

I am always at the beginning.

The aged Buddha, on being asked what life was like.

Today, take a long deep breath and feel your life beginning.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

Exit gracefully...

According to those accurate Facebook tests, my word was change. I laughed because I didn't think more change was even possible. I had already changed my life so dramatically over the past few years. What was left?!

Alas, Universe had a different plan.

Change it is.

Those of you that know me, might as well call me the Phoenix for how many times I've raised from ashes (alright and hair colors). This year will be no different it would seem.

So in the words of Clark W. Griswold, let's burn some rubber and eat my dust. Here's to the best, most uncertain year yet.

Happy New Years all. From that girl that keeps taking a licking but by the grace of someone upstairs and her on-site medic to repair her, will keep on ticking!

All my love.
G

The little things

My dog's excitement over new toys, seeing the joy of people on my Facebook page, watching Scrooged next to my tree, knowing that I helped someone who had a bad day yesterday and the biggest gift of all, someone digging deep for me to make me smile despite being in a bad place. I may only take a few words, but I'm grateful someone knew that and did it. Much appreciated.

Merry Christmas. Time to go back to bed.

All quiet

I've learned that Christmas Eve and Christmas is never what I was expecting. For the past few years, I've learned Christmas alone too. I may spend a few hours here or there but it's still me. Solo. This year, I have my new furry bff to keep me company but she has no clue what's happening. She doesn't get why she can't hide under the tree or why she keeps getting random bones.

Tomorrow will be the same. Quiet. I will make some breakfast for my sister...head to my besties house.

I'd love to recount the Christmas of yore...not much there. I do miss the Italian Christmas Eve feast of meats and cheese...and a healthy amount of chianti.

But the rest is not worth the tale. That said, I still got to go to my annual friend gathering, still healthier than usual and even went to a movie. So, despite how sad it may seem, I'm pretty much ahead in the game of life.

Counting the little things really adds up I suppose.

Thanks to those that have made or try to make Christmas live up to my imagination. Whether it was delivering a tree while I was too sick to move, accompanying me during Tree Day or getting my hallmark snowmen in place...I appreciate those that let me live in the fairytale. It may no longer exist...there is no one to humor the foolishness. But I'm glad I had the moments and will cherish them forever.

May those of you who are luckier, enjoy the moments with those you love. Trust me when I tell you, they aren't guaranteed. Just because you have loved ones, doesn't mean they will be around for you.

You need a champion

Flipping around late last night I caught the end of Eat, Pray, Love...her last part of the trip to Bali - because everyone is so lucky to run away and find themselves by traveling to Italy, India and Bali.

But for some reason even though I read the book and watched the movie, the end really caught my attention:

"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

Pretty curious to know what my truth is.

And a merry bah humbug to you too...

Dear Christmas -

I gave you my best shot this year. I had wonderful kids come and decorate my house. I had wonderful friends come and warm the house for the holidays.

Heck, despite a quick stomach bug, I'm even healthy for the first time in forever.

I worked to pay all that forward - thoughtful gifts, about 100+ cookies sitting around me, nonstop Christmas music...I made it a point to be patient, smile and greet everyone that I encountered shopping.

I even watched my "all by myself" Christmas movie so I could do that thing where I cry and appreciate life.

Worked well enough for me, but yet, I haven't spoken to one soul who isn't full of hatred for this holiday.

Seems no one can muster the happiness.

So, I concede, Christmas. I give in to all the bad memories you bring.

And I sit and listen to Tori Amos for the first time in years. Not her Christmas stuff...

Silent all these years...

Excuse me, but can I be you for awhile?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up
Yeah, I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said, sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these years
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that for thought for you?
Excuse me, but can I be you for awhile?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up
Yeah, I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said, sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these years
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that for thought for you?
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a Heaven where screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think it's enough?
To get us there
'Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said, sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these
Years go by, will I be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by, will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy, easy, easy
Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of my now
But baby don't look up, the sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you, here take hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of yours with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said, sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice, I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these years
I've been here silent all these years
Silent all these, silent all these years

Not too shabby in the dark

Si se puede

Just taught myself everything I needed to know about exterior illumination. Yes, it looks awful, but I did it all by myself. And at least the little lights are twinkling.

Thinking about...

These two images made me smile and think about my superhero.

Stealing My Lines...

Minus the fact that she's married, has a kid and died of cancer, below is a link to a letter which is eerily close to what I would want to say when my day comes. Despite however hard and stressful it is, good times will always outweigh the bad. If they don't, then you know it is time to make some drastic changes in your life to make it so. Been there too. In my past, I've always quoted my favorite line from Mermaids "death is dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long." I think that's only half right - don't dwell on the past. I would also say that death is not being able to come to the end of a day and not find one ounce of humor or joy. Even if it's not "traditional funny" but taboo funny. Not always as easy as it sounds, I know, but I do feel that it may be a secret to life.

For example, many years ago my mom's dad passed at a very ripe old age (90+). From around 70, he was convinced every day was his last and told everyone "sure, I'm alive right now, I'll probably be dead tomorrow." Everyday to literally Everyone...including me, his 3 year old grandkid until I was 20. When he did finally pass, my uncle said "well, he'd been waiting on this for quite some time."

You just can't live life waiting for the ball to drop. It will. You don't really have a choice in the matter. You do, however, have a choice to: laugh, not get eaten alive by life's stress, enjoy the simple things that make you smile no matter what anyone else tells you. If I had a nickel for anyone that looked at me like I was crazy for everything from naming inanimate objects to smiling at the changing color of leaves... I would be retired. (That would rule actually because even though I'm about 17 years into this whole "career" thing, I'm so over it.)

Take a minute, read this awesome woman's letter: http://www.boredpanda.com/breast-cancer-death-mother-letter-heather-mcmanamy.

And know, that I will haunt whoever doesn't run up a bar tab at my funeral. That's guaranteed.

Smooches,

G

Tired...

So tired. Finally slept through the night yesterday. Not so lucky tonight as my dog is so used to me being up in the middle of the night I think she jumped on me to make sure I was still alive.

I am. Alive and too much on my mind.

A friend of mine posted this...I don't know why but I really liked it.

"I hate when promises are made and paradise is painted and what you really live in is a nightmare.....One day I'll get it right."

Interesting point.

Universe... you are one heck of a jokester...

Ok, not really, but, I'm trying to find a sense of humor about your latest gag today. Thanks at least for giving me the help to find something that was lost and realizing the limits of everything else.

Let's hope the next few days go a bit better.

Cheers to it not being last year

Or in my case, the year before that or the year before that...or let's just say the years before.

Last year at this time I was suffering through one of the nastiest flus ever. It wrecked my entire December - delayed flights, cancelled my Christmas plans...made me miss my annual party (technically I was there but woke up here but not for good reason like shots).

What a difference a year makes. Really. So much has happened. One of my best friends always loves to tell me that life only gets harder. And sadly, that is true.

But the harder it gets, the more you appreciate when really good stuff comes around.

I lost a lot this year and so much has changed and continues to change.

Life is work - a lot of really hard work. But it's one of the first times I really feel like I'm living it. All of it. And that is the best thing of all.

Smooches
G

Old age = vigilance (or damn kids get off my lawn)

If my dog, and who doesn't even go to the door when the bell rings, wakes me barking like crazy at 4 am and I see 3 men outside my house hanging around an unknown car, I'm calling the cops. Appreciate ML PD for sending 4 cars in 2 1/2 minutes. A girl who lives alone takes no chances...even if she is an accident prone ninja.

7 Steps to Living Your Best Life

I liked this list that my friend posted today, so wanted to share.

1) Sing. And really be into it
2) Just be honest
3) Always make time for your friends
4) Be spontaneous
5) Leave yourself open to magical moments
6) Stay relaxed and success will follow
7) Remember that you are you and no one else is

My thoughts exactly

The irony is that I received this calendar from my mother at least 10 years ago to tell me I work too hard. Message finally received.

Guys and Dolls

Alright... my reader demographic likely isn't big on musicals, but suffer through. My favorite is Guys and Dolls - sorry but you really can't resist Brando back in the day, even if his singing wasn't exactly on par with the uber skinny Sinatra. And beyond the love stories, the whole musical is based on illegal gambling, broads and drinking. So, it's easy to see why it's my favorite. So here's my mushy love quote from the movie from the stubborn, straight laced doll of the film. In that kind of mood...

Arvide Abernathy: And I never saw until now how much in love with him you are. 

Sergeant Sarah Brown: I'll get over it. 

Arvide Abernathy: Why would anyone want to get over the one thing you hope for from the minute you're born and remember until the day you die? 

Sergeant Sarah Brown: I'll get over it. 

Arvide Abernathy: Why? Because it's the greatest reward that woman or man can have on this earth? To love and to be loved?

This is where I am today...

So let's start over with no means to an end
Just an open-hearted hope and a closed hand, full of friends. 

(This too but it's way more direct: 

Every morning when the coffee's on
And I rediscover that color in your eyes, in its gold and its bronze)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QEj8bBHq4s4

Last night my former co-worker texted me "See G, you ARE a badass!"

Time to prove her right and finally stick up for myself. 

Reach the top

November 29

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.

Michelangelo

Today, pick one thing and aim high.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

When life hands you the unexpected

Quite a day(s). Reminded me of why months ago I started a "mushy" board on my Pinterest page.

Yesterday, my dog made her very first dog friend despite a lot of odds - months of petsmart training, the trainer said she may never even be accepted in a kennel because of how aggressive she is around other dogs. Yet, when my DC bestie showed up with his puppy, my 4 year old became a puppy herself...running, playing. I texted my best gal and she said "Oh my gosh!!!! YAY!!
You're such a good mommy!!!!

It was a proud moment. I may be the parent of 4 legs and furry, but it still felt good.

Then, I was off to get the clean bill of health I've been waiting to hear for years. Even my liver and kidneys are good (yes, I was shocked too...I totally thought there would be a neon sign that said "bar is open" on my liver).

Capped that day with good friends.

And today...well, was unexpected in the best possible way. Not sure there is much to say beyond this quote...or maybe I get to just keep today all to myself because it's not one that will ever be forgotten.

Who knew thanksgiving could be so...thankful? :-)

Sometimes the beauty in doing your job is doing nothing that anyone sees. But knowing it made the difference.

Posi-tired

Second annual thanksgiving hosting went well. Less people, more work.

It was nice but a mix of very tired and very sad.

Missing people that I wish were at my table.

Hope everyone enjoyed. Trying to muster some of the ol' Gina Christmas spirit but coming up at an extreme deficit.

Insomnia + Friends T-day marathon

Here are my wishes for you all this thanksgiving:
Cooking - may your head not get stuck in a turkey.
Guests - Let one of them be Brad Pitt (or look like him)
Playing football - hope you take home the Gellar cup.

As for me, grateful to have a snoring, furry bff next to me, the beautiful morning sky that's popping up and the wonderful people like you. Whether your new to my life or have been here forever, I am so appreciative for you being a part.

Smooches
G

Happy thanksgiving

I left my doctor's office today wanting to say "today, I win." That diminished quickly as reality set in on the Homefront. Yet, my faith was restored as the night went on. It's been 5 years since I worked the traditional thanksgiving eve night (formerly copperfields...then Jay's elbow room). In DC, we called this amateur night aka the night those that don't drink crowded the bars.

Five years later, thanksgiving remains the same in spirit...crazy family, loving friends and a place to call home to crash with a furry best friend.

No bar needed. Just love. And wine....

Here's to tomorrow and what it will bring. Let the new year continue and life's adventures to carry on.

Anything is possible

November 25

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

James Thurber

Today, can you see that without a whole world of conditioned, imaginary meaning neither anger nor fear would be possible?

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

Pictures of Thousands of Words

Between Pinterest and Facebook, half if not more of my iPhone photos are of inspirational quotes or other sayings for me to keep in mind. I scroll through every single day... between the pictures of the people I love and those quotes... they help make me realize that I have to keep on moving forth... even the days I really don't want to do so.

Thanks for the memories, Facebook

I appreciate knowing that 3 years ago today I fell asleep at my own bachelorette party. (No, truly not passed out. Stressed and out cold). And those that were there, it wasn't you. It was a great idea, I was just clearly not in the best shape. (I will say I looked good though...not usually words you hear about me, especially from me).

Six Years ago, I had eye surgery #1 (best decision of the decade). And 7 years ago, my life was really in a bad place, maybe one of the lowest points ever, if not the lowest.

Although last year I was at an amazing wedding watching an old friend re-marry the person she clearly was meant to be with after years in a mentally abusive relationship. It was beautiful and gave me hope that good things like that can happen after you go through life in the crapper. And, my hetero life mate Nicole stood proudly as my date and we rocked out all night.

I guess as I write this out I'm realizing that the Facts of Life was dead on with "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have..."

Hope that got stuck in your heads.

Smart Lady

November 23

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.

Janis Joplin

Today, choose yourself in a situation in which you would ordinarily abandon yourself. Notice how that feels.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

Things Surgery Didn't Cure

Road Rage - WTF is wrong with people on the road and WHY is there construction during Thanksgiving week

Patience - Oops, they forgot to give me some, which has definitely not helped me playing IT person today

Mind - Still lost

Heart - Still broke

Just Before I Go

"When its darkest we can see the stars. They're always there. You just gotta remember to tip your head back and look up."

Just Before I Go - Great, dark movie about a guy who plans to settle his issues in life and then kill himself since he's 41, no wife, no kids and headed nowhere. I never thought Seann William Scott was capable of a tear jerker but it was great. 

And good new music (at least for me)...meet Foy Vance. (Also recommend his song Closed Hand, Full of Friends: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QEj8bBHq4s4)

Feel for Me - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KRNXE5f-GHM

Take my heart into your hand
You think you can't but I know you can
Swallow it whole like it's a pill
Let it do the work that you know it will

Under moonlight, over time
Let our blood run one, like holy wine

Feel for me babe, feel for me baby
I'm on fire babe, on fire baby
Feel for me babe, feel for me baby
I'm on fire babe, on fire baby

Let me fill your soul like you fill mine
Let it be this way 'til the end of time
Draw me close to your breast
Let us close our eyes and hence ever rest

Well you know I wanna make you
Feel for me babe, feel for me baby
I'm on fire, on fire baby

Picking Up Pleather and Plaid

I hate shopping in stores. But that hatred has grown into a long history of online shopping. Unfortunately, restricted activity + insomnia = purchases you wouldn't typically make and realizations when you wake up.

For example, pleather. Yes, faux leather, vegan leather whatever you want to call it. There is a bunch of it waiting for me to pick up at the mall.

I'd love to say I never wore pleather before, but sadly that isn't even true. At least when I did, I was 22 years old. Not that it makes my current purchase any better.

And worse, insomnia/drugged me also thought plaid pants were a good idea.

Apparently, my subconscious thinks I'm way cooler than I am especially since I'm still living in sweat pants while I keep trying to recover.

A lil' help from my friends

Go back through this blog and you'll see my life with the Schmeffster. One of his most infamous traits was his "theories", typically after imbibing which he would bestow his vast wisdom upon me and Scotty. His most popular which he create about 20 years ago was that the only way for us to become more efficient was to evolve to be smaller beings...aka midgets...aka little people. Now, this theory has continued for years and coming from a 6' 3" individual, it has been quite amusing to watch him continue to defend it. So, to honor how this blog started, I give you a fresh round of text messages from today:

Schmeff: Not that you guys spend your morning listening to NPR but on Wait Wait, they are talking about a scientist that is suggesting the answer to the world resource problem is to encourage selection toward 2 feet tall humans, saying that 1 chicken could feed almost 100 people.

G: Are you said scientist?

Schmeff: No, there are others!

G: You do realize that your theory, which likely holds scientific value, manages to make you the easiest of all of us to eliminate first right? And also makes Danielle the longest standing one of us?

Schmeff: This is big picture G, 100s of years when we have blown ourselves up.

G: I thought we had terrorists to blow us up? I'm way too lazy to DIY...if they want to take me down, all they need to do is buy me a drink.

Readers, I can't tell you how much I have missed these non-sensical conversations. Sometimes, I go back and read them because they keep me going. You just can't make this shit up nor can you buy this type of amusement.

Thank you Schmeff and friends for making me smile on the days it doesn't seem possible.

Smooches
G

PS - he doesn't read this blog anymore and he's going to be sooooo pissed when he found out I posted. ;-)

Twisting it up and turning it around

Getting back to the start...that goofy dumb smile and random laughter is back. My new year has just begun...and I'm feeling good. 

November 21

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

Dave Barry

Blessedly, there is no time off from kindness. Kindness happens here, and our lack of kindness can help us see when we're not here.

Today, notice the moments when you are not present enough to be kind.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

Thanks... (really)

I am finally out of collections. Only took 13 months, 3 trips to the police station, FBI file, personal identity PIN if I'm ever picked up, a credit freeze, $100s in credit alerts and countless hours filing paperwork and stressing. I finally got to the right person at Comcast who cleared my identity theft and is forcing the collection agencies to send me an apology. Now all I need to do is wait another 5 years for my credit score to fully rebound.

I'll take this as a win though... I needed a win, however small, to try to hold on to the belief that if I wait and if I hope, things will work out.

Sleepless in Mt. Laurel...

Twenty plus episodes of Jeopardy, 1 1/2 books and countless hours of mindless TV watching... still here. Cruelty is a stomach bug on top of a stomach surgery... not going to lie, that hurts. A lot.

 

I've decided I can't be on Jeopardy because it will sound like a Jerry Springer episode - my sports tourettes will totally carry over and frankly, Alex is a misogynistic jerk so I don't think I could tolerate his snide remarks.

As I wait for the cable guy and lose all the rest of my DVR recordings, I'm back to watching movies I've seen 1,000 times. So, here's my favorite part of Sleepless, which I never got until recently. Really need an escape from this joint, especially since my free help disappeared a few days ago.

 

Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.