The little things

Life is so about the little things. Meeting people, seeing old friends...sharing a laugh and then looking back and realizing the person you want to spend that moment with you isn't there.

It probably seems silly to miss people as soon as you leave them. Most people require time off...space.

Today, one of my junior team members who is enduring her own personal issues said "I just don't think people ever have the relationships like older people did and do..."

I would've agreed with her, but I couldn't. Because life is really about finding the person (or persons) that just come naturally to you.

Maybe they don't feel the same way, but having that level of ease is comforting.

Still nice that someone wants to hear from you to exchange what happened that day and get a few laughs.

Makes even a bad day, a good one.

Underdog

"You got no fear of the underdog,

That's why you will not survive!" - Spoon

One of my secrets is my great love of underdog movies, which by most counts are sports movies. Lucas, Rudy, Vince Papale, Eddie the Eagle...

When life is really hitting me hard, these are the champions. There are non-sports movies but usually it's all about those that overcome the odds that make me realize why it's important to keep moving forward. 

I am a small stain on this earth. When I part from it, there will be no statue, no memorial..likely no memory at all. I am no one's mother...I have left no mark. I have helped people leave their own. That's what I have. I'm not my father, who can go into the Smithsonian and point out what he worked on. I have no talent - I'm no musician, photographer, artist - although I know plenty. 

So the only thing I can do, is to give what I have to those around me. My accomplishments are so minute - I have rescued a dog so she had a better life, I have been a good friend, done my best to be a decent daughter. 

I will forever be the supporting role in everything around me...the comedic court jester. 

I couldn't be prouder to be surrounded by the accomplishments of others - those who have succeeded in life, love, family, marriage, career. 

I'm so proud of everyone who has crossed my path. 

Some would want to wait for their own moment. But, I know my own will come. 

I have loved being part of your lives and watching you all grow and succeed. You amaze me everyday, even on the days you think you've done nothing at all. 

I assure you, the underdog is watching, and she applauds you. Continue on, my friends. Blaze the paths that you have embarked upon. 

Please be the person that I can't and won't ever be so I can continue to cheer from the sidelines. 

Conversations with Mary Popov

My father: Jimmy Fallon has been in the news a bunch...they say he's drinking too much.
My mother: it's true, he fell going up stairs to hand out an award and his mother yelled at him and told him he better cut out the drinking.
Me: Mom, if I was famous and fell up stairs to give an award, you'd tell me the same thing and the news would report it.
Mother:...sigh....

This

Sums up my current state... I just don't want to be here anymore.

Disgusted

I'm disgusted today. The hatred, finger pointing and fighting all over social media. Does anyone remember 9/11 when we didn't immediately blame the president, even though years later we found out he knew a threat was imminent? No. That didn't happen. We used to care about people. Somehow while fleeing NYC on the ferry on that day and the months after, I don't recall people giving a shit if people around them were gay, Muslim, black or white. We talked and checked to see if each other were ok. We didn't blame anyone or not help.

I thank my parents for raising me to not see the differences in people and treat every person the same - whether they be the trash man or the president.

I truly hope we can actual stop this hatred and fighting and learn to love again.

Motivation

Trying to do my best to have faith and carry on.

Rescue me

It's been such a week. Client meetings, work until 10 pm almost every night and missing multiple events because of it is misery in itself. I didn't anticipate dealing with a broken hot water heater, dealing with the landscaper while also working and fixing my wifi. So thankful for the super helpful superhero who showed up to help not only manage the plumber so I could stay on yet another 4 hour conference call but also cleaned my downstairs, walk the dog and still find time to grill up steak and veggies.

I was so looking forward to a "normal" day. But, that just never happens. Despite finally getting some sleep, I let out my dog and started fixing her breakfast (bc I don't eat unless she does). She comes bouncing back to the door with something wriggly in her mouth. After numerous screams, she lets go and it's a tiny baby bunny. I'm totally devastated but the bunny isn't really injured, thankfully. So after numerous calls, I'm off to an animal refuge to drop off the bunny who I set up in a shoebox. No time to shower or anything...get lost in the woods (literally) but bunny gets dropped off.

Come back and head outside to figure out where the bunny nest is which my dog brings me to. Then realize, there's a bunch of them out there. After 15 minutes in the blazing sun, I get my dog to leave the nest area and back in the house. I go back out to cover the nest with branches and brush. And then I spot the worst part of my day...dead mom bunny.

My dog probably tried to alert me last night as she freaked out, barking and snarling at the door at 1 am. I was too tired to deal.

So...then I knew that these little bunnies needed to be rescued too. I call the wildlife refuge and they say they can't take them and call animal rescue because the mom rabbit was likely attacked by a feral cat...which I know hang out around my house. So, next recommendation was animal control which said they don't handle the situation. Back to the refuge who after my begging, agree to take the other babies but I was on my own with the disposal.

I've grown the balls to pick up dead birds but rabbit I just can't do. Once again, I have to ask for help...which despite me waking home up, comes in record time.

He does the disposal and I get the bunnies in yet another shoebox, which justifies my recent shoe shopping. Then back to the refuge we go where I'm so rattled and sad I give them a donation in the hopes the bunnies will be taken care of. When we finally get back, once again I'm nicely spoiled with Bloody Marys and steak wraps.

But, I am spent. My mother kindly called me "a special angel" but I have to tell you I feel more like I'm rescuing everything while drowning at the same time.

Hoping vacation comes quickly and actually results in relaxation.

Sigh

I DO NOT have this right now. #retire #shootme #IQuit

Affirmation

Almost 4 months into this job...I've worked harder and more hours than I ever dreamed possible. Not by choice, by design of how this new gig is.

I mentioned that I asked for stability and understanding. Today was one step toward that.

After all the overtime, working 15+ hour days, I got that rarely offered and therefore always exciting moment of affirmation from my client.

One...she likes me. That's a win, for those of you not in client services. It actually can be the tie breaker from moving from one vendor to another. Two...she thinks I'm doing a good job. Another big win. But three, she insisted to my boss that we need to better integrate work/life balance saying there should be no work or emails after 8 pm and before 7 am.

Most clients assume you're part robot. This is partly taught by agencies as you are programmed to immediately respond to any email you receive, even if the response is "got it, will get answer in am ASAP"...at 3 am.

The client reiterated the same thing I've been telling my junior team for months. While we're doing good, we are not literally saving lives. There is no one dying, therefore no harm will come from answering an email the next morning.

I would've hugged my client but didn't want to push my luck. My current boss however didn't understand, in fact, after our meeting she insisted I go home and work on things that kept me online until 11.

Yet, it's still a win and one step closer to where I want to be.

It's been a rough few months and I give credit to the people who've been helping me through. The only thing that would've been better is being able to come home to celebrate with them. But, can't have it all. Yet.

Exhausted, but grateful.

What I would ask God for...

This weekend, among many other things, I went to church.

Yea, ok. I know what everyone is thinking - was there a wedding? Baptism? Did she fall outside the church and need a bandage? Was she drunk and think it was a speakeasy?

No. I actually just decided to go to church. Not the type of church I grew up in, where I would walk in and just wait for lightning to strike me down. This church isn't really church at all. It takes place in a music school, where I spent a lot of time staring at the iconic Rolling Stones lips and reading the names of bands that are imprinted on the wall.

Over the past year, I've been exposed to a way different take on the whole God/Jesus thing. Now, you know my basic philosophy is to sum all things outside my realm of seeing and understanding simply as the "Universe." And I'm having a hard time trying to adjust to saying otherwise. But, I'm just so fascinated by the whole concept of celebrating faith rather than dodging or being made to feel like crap.

It was an interesting experience for sure. Lots of singing, time where people spoke to one another and even a time where someone explained a passage from the bible. Refreshing from my upbringing of sit, stand, kneel...nod off while the priest tells you why you're a sinner and he's not.

So the question we were supposed to answer during discussion was "what you would ask God for"...I had an immediate answer of "balance" in my head but I skipped my chance to speak. Mostly because I realized I have balance. It's not perfect (especially not the physical part), but I'm regaining balance with the people around me who pull me out of my work mode and transport me for the weekend just by having fun.

So, after thinking more, I guess what I would ask for is stability and understanding. I could definitely use the security of knowing that maybe not circumstances but people (the ones I've come to get used to) will always be there for me and understanding of why it seems I can't have a "normal" more stable life that everything seems consistent and ongoing.

And as I write this, I think the answer just popped in my head...

Hidden track

Found this little gem of a note to myself...or I guess it found me at just the right time.

"There are the days you want to believe something good, something magical will happen. And it doesn't. Then there are the days when magic happens on its on.

You don't really get to choose, and while you can hope, the effort is just as fruitless.

Moments in time are just that. Moments. You can reflect on past moments that made you smile and even ones that made you sad. But you have to let go. Really, truly, let go.

Past is past. Present is what you make. Future is never guaranteed.

So stop wishing and hoping. Just live in the moment. Know that at some point, you were loved..."

Texts from D&D - life with dog

I'm glad after a 15 hour day and a 6 am start that I still have someone to make me laugh. Slightly more happy that my dog loves me enough to not kill me in my sleep. Yet. But I am going to take that side eye more seriously when she doesn't get her walks.

Orbs

I know how crazy it sounds but I've started noticing orbs in pictures. Here are two, both of which were very peaceful and loving moments for me. And here's the "definition" I'm not one for too much higher power but interesting nonetheless. 

Green Orbs

In spiritual practice, green is associated with the heart. It is also associated with nature. Green orbs are sometimes thought to be an indication of the presence of a human spirit, as opposed to one that was never on Earth in human form. Likewise, green orbs may represent love or oneness with nature.

Blue Orbs

Blue is spiritually associated with psychic energy and truth. It is a very calming color, and many people associate it with spiritual guidance. Some people feel blue orbs are are sign of a calming presence or energy, while others feel they indicate the presence of a spirit guide in that location.