There is no bad guy

Here's the deal...there is no bad guy. I've watched a million stories and there is always 3 sides to every story. So if anyone thinks I'm blaming them for my lot in life, I'm actually thankful for where I wound up in the present.

I don't blame anyone for my mistakes. I own them all. The same stories the kids tell about being excited for Aunt G to come home because I was the only "adult" to watch the play that they made up is the same Aunt G they watched being a drunken fool.

If I learned anything it's to own all the stupid shit I've done and continue to do. But I do the best I can and I keep trying. Every. Single. Day.

That's all we can do. Be ourselves, and that comes with the price of being silly, stupid and making mistakes. That doesn't make it right, but it makes us human. And if anyone out there sees this than that's my belated Christmas wish. Be yourself. Be stupid. Be human. It's legit all we are and all we ever will be.
Just own it. Own who you are and what you want to be. Apologize for your wrongs. Own your mistakes. But be yourself. Don't leave anyone hanging on the hopes of who they think you can be. Just be you. But if you're not who someone thinks they are... set them straight. They deserve your truth no matter what your flying freak flag shows.

The end is always nearer than you think, my loves, so do it your way.

Smooches
G

Look at this photograph...

Ok, that's enough Nickelback. But seriously, if a picture tells 1,000 words there's so many more behind this picture. I finally moved back to Jersey after years of living everywhere else but home. I was married...trying to make that work. We didn't get to make this party the year before, because "we had too much to do" with our wedding. (While an amazing party, there's nothing left when it's overpriced and overplanned). That was already a bone of contention since I had never missed a Magni Christmas party and I was devastated.

The year before, I was scolded for drinking too much...which back in the day was not a real thing at the Magni party. It was the party of the year. MY party of the year. No matter where in the world I was, it was the one thing I could depend on to see everyone I loved in one place. You just didn't miss this party.

No event came without rules during this marriage and this was no different. I was warned that if I acted how I did 2 years prior, we would be leaving immediately.

I was finally home, but I was trapped and I never realized just how much until I stepped inside the house. I walked into the kitchen in a noticeable daze. I remember friends coming up to me, asking me if I was ok. I was in the middle of a full anxiety attack everyone and everything was fuzzy. I was offered a drink - nothing new about that. I sipped slowly, knowing I was being watched. Then I slipped into some nog, which was a common staple for me at the party.

Eventually, I realized that I could slip more booze into the nog going unnoticed while I'm sure people kept my ex distracted. And then for this moment, the same soundtrack, as it had been for nearly a decade, was bumping. I danced like no one was watching and became me again - if only for this moment. Someone caught this picture of me, remembering how it felt to be free because for that moment, I was. I paid for it later, and if memory serves I wasn't allowed to celebrate NYE with my friends because I was irresponsible or he didn't feel well. Whatever the excuse du jour.

I'm thankful for this picture because it reminds me how far I've come in life and what hell I had to go through to get there. To be free again, to be me again.

This year, is so different...there was no Tree Day...in fact, it's artificial. No ugly sweater party, a newer tradition (if 5+ years is newer). But despite the hurdles, it's so much more. Tomorrow, my parents will be here for the first time in a decade and we will be actually celebrating the holidays on the actual day. My husband, who is no holiday fan, has spent the past 3 weeks decorating the tree when I was stuck with work (honestly, a rarity these days which is another blessing)...crafting his exterior illumination skills with our outdoor lights...doing his best to make this Christmas special. He succeeded.

It's been a year for us all but despite all the craziness, I choose to remember the good - I'm loved, I'm happy, I'm not just employed but have a job that I love but isn't my life with an amazing team. And not only am I never told not to be me, I'm encouraged to be...even that means dancing to whatever ShopRite has rocking.

These are the moments. The ones I hold dear. I miss seeing my friends, I miss being able to hug everyone but I know next year I will appreciate it all that much more. I hope if you're reading this that you take a moment and try to remember all that too.

Smooches,
G

And there it is...

Holy COVID and basically years of so much other drama. Sometimes you see something that reminds you of yourself. This is it.. 4 years ago, tree day. While I'm not a fan of this year, I'm grateful for all the good things and surviving Covid and having a great job...and one that allows me to have a great life outside of it. Irony is having spent the last two months being turning down to recruiters and trying to pass them along to people in need. I'm thankful to have the smile on my face that is still the same, 4 years later. And I'm thankful to the person who put a smile on my face to begin with.