Yes and thank you

January 31

Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light.

Author Unknown

Today, acknowledge that you are seeing the light.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

Day .75

Love being deleted and blocked out of people's lives. It's nearly liberating and completely unnecessary. I follow instruction well so, there is no need. If someone directs you to "let go," it stings and may even make you numb, but you listen. Forward is the only direction despite the large amount of love you try to give land the even larger hole in your heart. But, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. Learned that lesson a long time ago.

That aside, today was much better. I did something fun with my gals. I went bowling played in an arcade, and had a blast. For those who think I can't have fun without a drink in hand, you'd be sadly mistaken. In fact, I'm definitely goofier sans drink.

Dancing, bowling, goofing...lived and laughed it up. And I won! I broke 100 for the first time in my bowling career...mostly for the goofy hat on the line.

Almost ready for Day 1. Because as Rocky would say, "it ain't how many times you get hit...it's how many times you get hit and get back up."

Back up. Fighting the good fight. While I wish people would recognize that I bring value and am worth hanging on to, time to refocus on those that see my value and love me for who I am.

Crazy, fun and a lot of love to give. So, I will give it to those who want it.

Thankful for those that show me the way.

She's back...at least for today.

Day 0.5

I was told that I was allowed to lick my wounds and take some time. Time is not something I do well. 

Yet, yesterday was a bit of a mess. I politely sipped vodka for about 12 straight hours which finally got the uncontrollable sobbing under control. My best friend barged in to have a few herself (and I mean that nicely as it forced me to rapidly clean up all the tissues and have to have a conversation through puffy eyes), which I think was partially code for checking for sharp objects but both my knife blocks were left in tact, so I guess I passed the "she's sane and remarkable sober" test.

I decided to continue on with my plans of celebrating my 40th because money is money. And while I'm not currently looking forward to being solo on that trip, I did find out that a weekend escort is way too expensive. While it would've been a better investment than what I had to pay off in my divorce, I don't think it should cost the almost the same amount.

I'm exhausted and woke up this morning with a swollen eye, but such is life. It goes on. My former roomie is on his way up from DC this week to spend a day with me, so I know I must sound pretty bad.

And, Schmeffster says... But seriously, while you are 'currently unemployed' you are very successful, have your own house (and the unfortunate problems that come with all of them), loving albeit crazy family (+ dogs), and the worlds best friends.  Your medical history may be astounding and your taste in men could use a renovation...but despite that, it's not THAT bad. You could have been...acid scarred, or 'actually' kidnapped and kept in a house for some 13 years, or one of some ISIS freaks wives.

I'm not sure if that's him trying to give me life advice or setting the bar for new life goals for me to achieve. We shall see. 

But, he is right on the friends and family and dogs part.

G 3.0, Day 0

"Love yourself it's all you can do. You're an incredible soul, I promise everything will be OK."

From a very unlikely source, who I helped through a rough time without expecting anything in return. 

Hit the restart button. That's my words. I've started from the bottom. As phish would say, I breathe from the bottom, you breathe from the top. I live upon morsels you happen to drop. 

Well, here is the bottom. It's the list of things I've done solely for me in the past few years:

Things I've done for solely me

Get Lisa

Fight to stay in my house

Reclaim my freedom from an abusive relationship 

Go on vacation alone

It's a short list, but I'm working to start somewhere. So here we are. Day 0. 

And since every piece of writing I've done from high school through college was inspired by my two disc set of the best of the doors I give you the following:

This is the end 

Beautiful friend 

This is the end 

My only friend, the end 

It hurts to set you free 

But you'll never follow me 

The end of laughter and soft lies 

The end of nights we tried to die 

This is the end

Funny of the day

It actually took me a minute to get this but then I snorted. Thankfully I'm sitting in an empty salon since my stylist opened the place early to fit me in. Never neglect your roots...

Best Rejection of the Week

Rejection is apparently a big part of life. 

As a media relations person, I got rejected on a regular basis. That is, until Atkins, became a household word then I pitching was easy. But, you still work on many stories where you get rejected.You build a thick skin, especially when you have 2 weeks of being a telemarketer and 2 months of being a college fundraiser in your lifetime.

Rejection in the game of life... harder to build that barrier...and I've been rejected a LOT lately.

As the online automated job rejection letters pour in, it wears you down. Finding a job, especially with 17+ years of experience, doesn't happen by applying online. It's about working your network... which has been going, but slow going.

I was pleasantly surprised to be contacted by a Philly agency that I emailed. I also knew going in that I had more than 10 years over the experience they were looking for, but I figured it couldn't hurt. My goal is to live and work in the same place after all.

So, I meet with a woman who is several years younger than me. She does the normal interview stuff and then asks if I have any questions. "Yes, why did you bring me in today?"

She stumbled a little but talked about my impressive credentials and in particular my cover letter. Fair enough.

I'm told to wait, I need to meet with someone else. 

Next thing, I'm walked into the CEO's office. Her immediate reaction, "you have a decade more experience than needed for this position. There is no way I can pay you what your worth."

Duh. 

I was about the get out of the chair when she stops and says, "But I want you here."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Let's get you a job in Philly. You need to be here... this is a healthcare goldmine and you need to be part of the action. And if I can't hire you right now, we need to find someone that will."

I've met a lot of people in my career. I even had a similar experience which led to me working in DC. But, I have never seen a CEO open her rolodex and say "let's go, whip out a pen and paper..." and start giving me her personal contact list.

Ironically, another place I was rejected from is their client. I was told I dodged a bullet since that company is about to be acquired.

After 15 minutes and a page full of notes, she escorted me out with instructions to keep in touch directly with her, let me know if I see anything in case she has a connection there and if I could hold out for a few months, she knows of something confidential that would be perfect and about to come out.

Best. Rejection. Ever.

If only life was so easy.

Text of the Day

Love my best girl, who is trying everything in her bag of tricks to keep me sane as I face punch after punch. She sent this picture to me today.

My response: Thanks. Is this because you're worried I'm coming home, drinking vodka and not sleeping? Because I'm not...

Ok, I am. And weeping too. But...you know, eventually that stops. 

As always, her calm, cool response: I know. I'll let you go for a little bit then I'll come over and force you to get back to your life. 

Translation: your time to get over yourself is limited before I come there and kick your ass back into facing reality, however bad it sucks. 

That's my girl...tough love. 

Message received. Trying to pull through but it's going to take more than a Christmas miracle this time. 

Just shoot me...

January 27

This is your time, your world, your pleasure.

William Stafford

Today, realize that now is the time, here is the place. Take a breath and feel the pleasure.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

My problem

Somewhere between 4 h 9 minutes and 9 h 30 minutes lies my insomnia.

My primary doc tells me stress and grief after life events (death, divorce) takes 2-3 years to overcome. If you add up all the life events I've been through since around 2008, that would mean I should be ok around 2018-2020.

So, I guess the positive way to look at that is it's only a matter of time. Yet time is the one thing I don't feel that I have. Just the loss of it and so many other things surrounding it.

Once I think my life is finally starting again, it comes to another painful crash.

Rare are the moments of peace and content. I still yearn for a perfectly boring, uneventful, happy life where I can look around a room and be with who I want to be with...just sitting, talking about nothing and everything, laughing...maybe even over a Bloody Mary or two.

Who doesn't want to live their best dream come true?

I'm glad no one reads this gibberish...well, 4-9 people do according to analytics. And shout out to whoever is in Alaska and found this hidden blog.

Here's hoping for a couple hours extra sleep.

Thanks Frank

Nothing beats nervously waiting for your job interview and My Way comes blasting through the speakers of the restaurant.

Universe loves to send me musical signs everywhere.

Bang My Head

Radio songs en route to Doctor:

Don't stop believin' - Journey
Love Yourself - Bieber (yea, sadly didn't know who it was)
Bang My Head - David Guetta

Things I've banged my head on so far today: car door and garage door.

I figured all of the above were more than appropriate in my current life state.

Just one break...just one...that isn't me breaking down into another pool of tears and asking why.

Dear Universe

After two days of sleeping in hats and scarves, I promise to never complain about Nairobi heat in my bedroom ever again.

Even if it is hot...in here.

(Ok dropping $900 which made me lose my entire 40th birthday budget...maybe one complaint).

My new Heroine

Whitney Cummings. Hilarious truth in her new HBO special "I'm your girlfriend."

Loving strong, smart comedic women like her and Amy Schumer. Nice to know there are other weirdos out there. Not completely alone.

Groundhog Day came early

As I sit wide awake and freezing in bed... Oh yay, heater is down. Again.

Second Wind

I've been fortunate enough to have this village of people believe in me more than I've ever believed in myself. So once in awhile, they make me believe it too.

Problem: heat and keeping water moving.
G Solution: baking, cooking and running dishwasher

Boom.

We are Framily

With officially six months until I hit 40, life can feel rather rock bottom. I'm solo, 7 days away from unemployment and life keeps throwing 90 mph curve balls to a girl that can't catch.

This past week alone, I spent three days commuting back and forth to a Philly ICU for my dad. Thankfully, he will be just fine with the help of some pharmaceuticals. It was an extraordinarily exhausting time so when the call was for massive snowstorm my brain said "yay...quiet."

And it was...roaring fire, dog happily snuggled, tv marathon.

And then it wasn't. I woke up, bloody nose, dog clinging to me and cold. Ridiculously cold. My house is slab, downstairs is always cold but upstairs is Nairobi hot. I keep the thermostat low for that reason and it helps w cost. But this wasn't typical.

Shivering, I tested the electricity. On. Tested hot water. Hot.

Came downstairs to the thermostat. A not cool and frigid 56 degrees.

I believe my next word was "F@$k." Then it was off to text my boys. First thought pilot light is out. Google pilot light and model of heater. Nope.

FaceTime call determined I did everything Boy #1 would've tried.

G tries to start fire. Yesterday the whole fireplace blazed for 12 straight hours. Wood won't light.

Next step, Clean thermocouple. Wtf?! Back up #2 arrives. More YouTube video watching taking apart furnace. Gas valve seems to be issue that can only be fixed by our HVAC professional, Boy #3.

G pours perfectly good alcohol on wood based on assessment from former firefighter. Whiskey is suggested so I go w a 15 year old Glen Livet single malt. It fails to work but my fireplace smells lovely. I did want to go with rum.

Have I mentioned that I have a literal village?

Meanwhile, the expert, Boy 3, arrives at the same time my super awesome neighbor begins snow blowing my driveway.

He tried everything. I do mean everything. At one point he has an air pipe in his mouth. Another he's using a lighter to kick over the heater. No go. But at this point, 3 of us have read the manual and watched 2 1/2 hours of DIY YouTube fix a furnace. We've determined that it is the gas valve. Only problem with that it is a 24 year old heater so the part isn't available at Home Depot. Boy 3 gets fire roaring and leaves. So does the fire. Again.

Time to hit my best friend up for a place to stay. Oh and shower since my day of vegetation didn't include one. Fire starts out of nowhere. Her husband is plowing out my parents house...so there is Boy 4 on the case.

Pack up me and the dog. I get calls that the pipes may freeze. Then I hear I should probably get this fixed tonight.

Yay, another round of calls but this time I'm determined to not get robbed in the process. I call w the part number and find a place to take me seriously. Supposedly my man Howard makes numerous calls and has the part. Time will tell as I sit here attempting to restart the fire by burning people magazine.

This is my life, 6 months before 40.

So what have I learned? It is awesome that I'm loved by so many friends that come in all crazy weather to help me.

I desperately want to start my own heating and plumbing business for single women who don't want to feel like they're getting screwed. I'm calling it "Hotties & Home Repair - you don't need dicks to get your house fixed." This would be with my pal nicole who recently had to fix her own toilet. Us + YouTube + her collection of time life fix it books should work just fine.

Despite my best friend's ongoing praise of me being brave and empowered, I can't share her enthusiasm because all I want right now is a person that solves these types of things for me. She tells me she needs to have her husband teach her daughters the things I'm learning. I tell her to teach her daughters how to pick an effective male instead. But I realize that I built my bed of being a "strong independent woman"...so I guess that allows me to cry in it too.

And, it is decided that both my dog and myself are not campers. She is curled up on my favorite fuzzy blanket with a fur coat on top of her own fur. I am sporting every piece of outdoor I own and vaguely resemble Joey in that episode of friends where he's wearing all of chandler's clothes.

And finally, I would care a lot less if I had a cocktail but since the verdict on me driving tonight is in question, I suffer in sobriety.

Life carries on...

Pick me...

At a time when my whole life is constant flux, here is the one constant. It's amazing it's only been a year since this sweet face found me. It's also amazing I can actually say that I was able to care for someone other than me for an entire year.

This dog has taught me so much - how to relax, appreciate a good walk...how to slow down. (She's very good at being slow). I'm grateful she trusted me to take her in.

But we wouldn't have made it alone. So many people have loved her, cared for her...some who haven't even met her. From the friend who gave me a fence guy I could afford to my friends who she loves sleepovers at...we've had a very interesting year.

Listening her to snore right now another reminder that as crazy as life is, I still have something special.

I always said my American Dream was outdoor space, a washer/dryer and a dog. Mission accomplished. There's more I want, but this is life today.

The Call

There is nothing that makes you snap into a forced mode of calm organization than the call. It's the one you dread. "This is your father's Doctor, please call me as soon as you can."

Getting his voicemail, minutes feel like hours.

"He's in the ER and needs to be transferred to ICU. Small problem with his heart."

There are no small problems when it's your parents. There are no small problems when your father has been rushed by ambulance to one ER because he's not stable enough to get to the better hospital in the city.

You hold several conference calls with siblings as your family comes up with a plan to meet.

Your driving skills come in handy as you make it to the bridge in 12 minutes after caring for your mother for hours as your sister sits in the ER to ride in the second ambulance.

You cancel everything - interviews, doctors, appointments swiftly. Life is on hold until further notice.

Your friends, thank god for those close reliable friends, quickly rearrange their nights to pick up your dog. The next set are in line to care for her tomorrow.

Your onsite medic/superhero works to process all the info you can transcribe via text and pictures of vital signs.

It's the village. The one you need. The one you're thankful to have. The reason you are where you are and you fight to stay.

And now, all that's left is some hope and prayers that tomorrow will be a better day and all will be ok.

Age Alert

Gym in my 20s
Go with my friend. Hour of cardio, usually elliptical machine. Leave gym, light up a cigarette. Be at bar or club drinking or dancing four hours later until 2 am.

Gym at almost 40
Go with my sister. Know I've had 4 hours sleep starting at roughly 3:30 am and multiple glasses of wine. Contemplate faking death to get out of going. Go. Sweat like whore in church and feel like this is what hell is truly like. Realize I am no longer 21. Then get home and get pawed because dog wants a long walk. Contemplate playing dead to see if she notices.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

This...

Photo made me burst out laughing because it is exactly what I could see happening in real life. There's so much of life that is drama, hurt and pain you can't control. Be with the person that would consider this absolutely hilarious, ridiculous, possible and spend an hour talking to you about how you two could pull it off.

No joke...twice is not nice

Did someone put my number on a bathroom wall? Is it posted somewhere "hit on her"?! How the hell in one night, two totally different people...same objective? I've been invisible my entire life and I have no desire to be visible right now.

Please. Do. Not.

Time to shut down social media.

Thanks, but no thanks

I'm flattered. Truly. But, why do people sniff out when you're vulnerable, having a shit day and decide to drop the "oh, I want you" bomb?!

"Well, I guess I wasn't clear, I meant "wanted you" as in a hot steamy night of sex..."

Wtf. No.

It's bad enough when I have to say I'm the Amy Schumer to your John Cena.

Shameless plug to watch Trainwreck and not shameless plug to not approach someone like that. Ever.

Suburbia...you are way worse than sex in the city ever was. At least in the city you actually have friends.

Sigh.

One Vote for Remaining in Suburbia, One Vote for Leaving

Yesterday, I hauled a 50 pound bag of rock salt, a stack of wood (if you don't know what a stack is, see visual and note the cute polka dot safety mat) and killed an enormous bug while unloading the wood in my garage. I even followed that by my first personal training session.
#SuburbanWin

Today, I broke my second vacuum in less than a week, leaving a giant cloud of fireplace ash to decorate the sunroom. #SuburbanFail

I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be here... or anywhere, really, that doesn't involve me wearing a helmet and a group of scientists that end their paper on me with "further research is needed."

Ready to roll... but needed a good laugh.
G

Gina You Suck (aka Getting Back on Track)

As most years, 2016 has not been off to the blockbuster start. Facebook reminds me that the best way for me to start a year is to go to an island and sit for a week (I did enjoy my 2011 Aruba trip with B). Alas, that was not in the cards.

For the last two weeks, when I haven’t been dormant, quiet or crying, I’ve been singing the Forgetting Sarah Marshall song, “Peter You Suck,” see clip, but I guarantee you know it.

I’ve fallen down on the job of taking care of G, for many decent reasons that when I have to face the mirror, don’t matter. I picked up some old vices this summer. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. 

I had been writing this blog for a few months now with a particular audience in mind. This blog is supposed to be a reflection of me... holding me accountable, which I’ve also lost sight of. I’m not sure anyone ever wants to hold themselves accountable when things aren’t going quite right – but, even I can try my hand at being the adultier adult once in awhile.

The montage that follows the “Suck” song is the clip I can’t find, but where I’m trying to be – which is starting over. I need to hit the reset button and I’ve started today. I spent the last few weeks building toward this but I pushed the pedal to the floor and tried to tackle life the way I drive.

My house is stocked full of fresh food. The gym has been joined. My first personal training session is tomorrow. I have the necessary doctor appointments lined up. The job search is in full force, despite going way too slow for my liking. The closets are getting cleaned. Piles of things are lined up for me to sell. Mentally, I’m trying to keep myself sharp with my jeopardy watching, book reading and my writing. I’m attempting to limit my binge TV watching.

I promised myself a few months back that I needed to get back to me, better myself, even find myself... again. I lost sight of that goal trying to hold on to things that I want so badly. I forever am the square peg trying to jam itself in the hole that doesn’t fit. (I know, but I really didn’t mean that dirty).  I need to let go, focus on the things that I can control and pray that everything will fall into place when it is supposed to do so. (Yes, it is really me saying this – for those of you laughing because you know that patience is a virtue that alludes me.)

Here comes my best try, friends. We’re not quite at the Hail Mary pass, but, we’re close.

To end on a relevant quote, “I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring” - David Bowie.

I will keep you posted as I go.

My love to all...

Smooches,

G

Do Not Disturb

Today was not my day. My insomnia was at a whole new level of bad. If you've read my previous posts then you know. But, it reached such new crazy that I actually took sleep meds at 5 am which worked for two hours bringing my sleep to 5 hours. If you've never had insomnia, I envy you. Today, when I knew I had no choice but to get up and take care of the dog, my eyes burned like someone put acid in them. I took her for a walk and was so dizzy and disoriented I was glad she dragged me back home. I finally got a couple more hours in, but now of course it's nighttime so I'm all off schedule.

This is definitely new to me. So is looking forward to upcoming doctor appointments so I can figure out how to finally get rid of this.

Here’s a song I want to share with you...

Perfect lyrics and melody

Click the link below to listen to Like A Fool by Keira Knightley
https://open.spotify.com/track/5OlZrp8e7scbytKHePJ4Pp

Wow

Funny, I didn't even look into the group...yet heard their entire love story through the album I listened to: http://www.buzzfeed.com/azafar/us-the-duo-no-matter-where-you-are-video#.rp5y9yga5

Since my Fitbit tells me I've slept a whopping 3 hours and 24 minutes, I will blame lack of sleep for the tears in my eyes. 

So tired...really missing that which makes me sleep through the night. 

Musically moving...

I love finding new music. I was introduced to a bunch of new music these past few months, which I probably would've never heard but have really enjoyed (City and Colour, Ray LaMontague...). And thank goodness for Spotify or I would be broke.

But probably about 85% of my music is discovered through movie soundtracks which started with my brat pack movie years - Pretty in Pink, 16 Candles. When I posted the song from Book of Life earlier I had never heard of the artist - Us the Duo. During yet another long walk, I listened to their album, also titled, No Matter Where You Are. I have musical ADD, so it's really rare that I get interested in a whole album, unless it's a movie soundtrack.

This album is so perfect, especially with where I am right now. It is essentially an entire love story of two people...happy to sad to happy again.

Strongly recommend a listen. Not my normal music but beautiful. Made my day.

No Matter Where You Are

This song makes a lot of sense to me right now and the movie is adorable.  You can watch the video here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4fxeUzNAMqYI

No Matter Where You Are is a song from The Book of Life (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack). It is from Us The Duo.

I will stay by you 

Even when we fall
I will be the rock, that holds you up
and lifts you high so you stand tall
I won't let you go
No one can take your place
a couple fights & lonely nights
Don't make it right to let it go to waste

I won't let you fall
I won't let you go
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I'll be there
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I'll be there

I will hold on to
Everything we've got
A quitter, a regretter, and forgetter is
Everything I'm not
I'll take care of you
and love you just because
You and I are better than forever
Nothing can stop us

I won't let you fall
I won't let you go
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I'll be there
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I'll be there

We can be the generation
Who learns how to love
Mistakes & empty promises
Will never be enough
To tear apart the giant hearts
that beat inside us now
Let's conquer the percentages
and rise above the crowd

I won't let you fall
I won't let you go
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I'll be there
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I'll be there
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I'll be there
I'll be there
I'll be there

Niceness

There is literally no better way to catch New Yorkers off guard than being nice and real. It freaks them out. I parked my car - at $25/hour and the attendant grunted "how long?" Whipped out the biggest smile and said "1 - 1 1/2 hours max...unless I get the job."

(NYC secret: always underestimate the time bc otherwise your car goes far away).

He just beamed and said "oh!!! You will!!! Good luck lady!"

Just love it. Of course, the woman at Starbucks who needed a seat for her Coach while the whole place was packed...can suck it.

That's the NYC yin-yang.

Nothing more disturbing

Than radio silence. Tomorrow is a big day. Could use some good vibes...

In the words of Phil Collins ... No reply at all.

Not a bad idea...

January 7

There is only one great adventure and that is inwards towards the self.

Henry Miller

Today, sit for a few moments with your favorite beverage and consider your embarkation on this current phase of your great adventure inwards toward the self.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

Happy tears

I have plenty of unhappy ones but let's try to focus on the others. My niece won an award today for caring. I know these days everyone gets awards but I'm still proud of her. And I'm glad it was for caring...reminds me of the only award I ever won for "kindest heart" - but literally it was made up for me because I didn't fit any category - nicest smile, most athletic, smartest.

Love from the island of misfit toys, party of 1.
-G

Head pounding

Roller coaster ride...glass box of emotions...

2016 is already taking its toll. Not sure how many times I can cry, laugh or anything in between.

Has to be a better way.

Today is/would be my grandfather's (aka Poppie) birthday. Can say without a doubt my biggest fan...who I lost at 12. He was my everything and I was his. We went to the track, he taught me how to play cards, took me to skeeball and bought off the owner so I could have the biggest teddy bear in the place.

Spotify randomly played his favorite song "just a gigolo" which he used to sing completely off key and as loudly as possible. It drove my grandmother nuts but made me laugh uncontrollably.

You can only remember good times, you can never revisit them. But I would give anything to be in my grandparents kitchen as they treated us to a happy hour of Doritos, ham sandwiches and (yes) beer while playing cards.

I miss how easy life was then, despite how complicated it actually was. All I knew was love. That's what they made sure I would remember. There's been so few times that I've experienced that feeling since then. While I'm glad to say one of the few wasn't all that long ago, I wish it continued forever.

But as I've been told "life only gets harder, never easier."