And again...

December 31

I am always at the beginning.

The aged Buddha, on being asked what life was like.

Today, take a long deep breath and feel your life beginning.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

Exit gracefully...

According to those accurate Facebook tests, my word was change. I laughed because I didn't think more change was even possible. I had already changed my life so dramatically over the past few years. What was left?!

Alas, Universe had a different plan.

Change it is.

Those of you that know me, might as well call me the Phoenix for how many times I've raised from ashes (alright and hair colors). This year will be no different it would seem.

So in the words of Clark W. Griswold, let's burn some rubber and eat my dust. Here's to the best, most uncertain year yet.

Happy New Years all. From that girl that keeps taking a licking but by the grace of someone upstairs and her on-site medic to repair her, will keep on ticking!

All my love.
G

The little things

My dog's excitement over new toys, seeing the joy of people on my Facebook page, watching Scrooged next to my tree, knowing that I helped someone who had a bad day yesterday and the biggest gift of all, someone digging deep for me to make me smile despite being in a bad place. I may only take a few words, but I'm grateful someone knew that and did it. Much appreciated.

Merry Christmas. Time to go back to bed.

All quiet

I've learned that Christmas Eve and Christmas is never what I was expecting. For the past few years, I've learned Christmas alone too. I may spend a few hours here or there but it's still me. Solo. This year, I have my new furry bff to keep me company but she has no clue what's happening. She doesn't get why she can't hide under the tree or why she keeps getting random bones.

Tomorrow will be the same. Quiet. I will make some breakfast for my sister...head to my besties house.

I'd love to recount the Christmas of yore...not much there. I do miss the Italian Christmas Eve feast of meats and cheese...and a healthy amount of chianti.

But the rest is not worth the tale. That said, I still got to go to my annual friend gathering, still healthier than usual and even went to a movie. So, despite how sad it may seem, I'm pretty much ahead in the game of life.

Counting the little things really adds up I suppose.

Thanks to those that have made or try to make Christmas live up to my imagination. Whether it was delivering a tree while I was too sick to move, accompanying me during Tree Day or getting my hallmark snowmen in place...I appreciate those that let me live in the fairytale. It may no longer exist...there is no one to humor the foolishness. But I'm glad I had the moments and will cherish them forever.

May those of you who are luckier, enjoy the moments with those you love. Trust me when I tell you, they aren't guaranteed. Just because you have loved ones, doesn't mean they will be around for you.

You need a champion

Flipping around late last night I caught the end of Eat, Pray, Love...her last part of the trip to Bali - because everyone is so lucky to run away and find themselves by traveling to Italy, India and Bali.

But for some reason even though I read the book and watched the movie, the end really caught my attention:

"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

Pretty curious to know what my truth is.

And a merry bah humbug to you too...

Dear Christmas -

I gave you my best shot this year. I had wonderful kids come and decorate my house. I had wonderful friends come and warm the house for the holidays.

Heck, despite a quick stomach bug, I'm even healthy for the first time in forever.

I worked to pay all that forward - thoughtful gifts, about 100+ cookies sitting around me, nonstop Christmas music...I made it a point to be patient, smile and greet everyone that I encountered shopping.

I even watched my "all by myself" Christmas movie so I could do that thing where I cry and appreciate life.

Worked well enough for me, but yet, I haven't spoken to one soul who isn't full of hatred for this holiday.

Seems no one can muster the happiness.

So, I concede, Christmas. I give in to all the bad memories you bring.

And I sit and listen to Tori Amos for the first time in years. Not her Christmas stuff...

Silent all these years...

Excuse me, but can I be you for awhile?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up
Yeah, I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said, sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these years
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that for thought for you?
Excuse me, but can I be you for awhile?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up
Yeah, I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said, sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these years
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that for thought for you?
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a Heaven where screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think it's enough?
To get us there
'Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said, sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these
Years go by, will I be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by, will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy, easy, easy
Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of my now
But baby don't look up, the sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you, here take hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of yours with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes
I said, sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice, I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these years
I've been here silent all these years
Silent all these, silent all these years

Not too shabby in the dark

Si se puede

Just taught myself everything I needed to know about exterior illumination. Yes, it looks awful, but I did it all by myself. And at least the little lights are twinkling.

Thinking about...

These two images made me smile and think about my superhero.

Stealing My Lines...

Minus the fact that she's married, has a kid and died of cancer, below is a link to a letter which is eerily close to what I would want to say when my day comes. Despite however hard and stressful it is, good times will always outweigh the bad. If they don't, then you know it is time to make some drastic changes in your life to make it so. Been there too. In my past, I've always quoted my favorite line from Mermaids "death is dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long." I think that's only half right - don't dwell on the past. I would also say that death is not being able to come to the end of a day and not find one ounce of humor or joy. Even if it's not "traditional funny" but taboo funny. Not always as easy as it sounds, I know, but I do feel that it may be a secret to life.

For example, many years ago my mom's dad passed at a very ripe old age (90+). From around 70, he was convinced every day was his last and told everyone "sure, I'm alive right now, I'll probably be dead tomorrow." Everyday to literally Everyone...including me, his 3 year old grandkid until I was 20. When he did finally pass, my uncle said "well, he'd been waiting on this for quite some time."

You just can't live life waiting for the ball to drop. It will. You don't really have a choice in the matter. You do, however, have a choice to: laugh, not get eaten alive by life's stress, enjoy the simple things that make you smile no matter what anyone else tells you. If I had a nickel for anyone that looked at me like I was crazy for everything from naming inanimate objects to smiling at the changing color of leaves... I would be retired. (That would rule actually because even though I'm about 17 years into this whole "career" thing, I'm so over it.)

Take a minute, read this awesome woman's letter: http://www.boredpanda.com/breast-cancer-death-mother-letter-heather-mcmanamy.

And know, that I will haunt whoever doesn't run up a bar tab at my funeral. That's guaranteed.

Smooches,

G

Tired...

So tired. Finally slept through the night yesterday. Not so lucky tonight as my dog is so used to me being up in the middle of the night I think she jumped on me to make sure I was still alive.

I am. Alive and too much on my mind.

A friend of mine posted this...I don't know why but I really liked it.

"I hate when promises are made and paradise is painted and what you really live in is a nightmare.....One day I'll get it right."

Interesting point.

Universe... you are one heck of a jokester...

Ok, not really, but, I'm trying to find a sense of humor about your latest gag today. Thanks at least for giving me the help to find something that was lost and realizing the limits of everything else.

Let's hope the next few days go a bit better.

Cheers to it not being last year

Or in my case, the year before that or the year before that...or let's just say the years before.

Last year at this time I was suffering through one of the nastiest flus ever. It wrecked my entire December - delayed flights, cancelled my Christmas plans...made me miss my annual party (technically I was there but woke up here but not for good reason like shots).

What a difference a year makes. Really. So much has happened. One of my best friends always loves to tell me that life only gets harder. And sadly, that is true.

But the harder it gets, the more you appreciate when really good stuff comes around.

I lost a lot this year and so much has changed and continues to change.

Life is work - a lot of really hard work. But it's one of the first times I really feel like I'm living it. All of it. And that is the best thing of all.

Smooches
G

Old age = vigilance (or damn kids get off my lawn)

If my dog, and who doesn't even go to the door when the bell rings, wakes me barking like crazy at 4 am and I see 3 men outside my house hanging around an unknown car, I'm calling the cops. Appreciate ML PD for sending 4 cars in 2 1/2 minutes. A girl who lives alone takes no chances...even if she is an accident prone ninja.

7 Steps to Living Your Best Life

I liked this list that my friend posted today, so wanted to share.

1) Sing. And really be into it
2) Just be honest
3) Always make time for your friends
4) Be spontaneous
5) Leave yourself open to magical moments
6) Stay relaxed and success will follow
7) Remember that you are you and no one else is

My thoughts exactly

The irony is that I received this calendar from my mother at least 10 years ago to tell me I work too hard. Message finally received.

Guys and Dolls

Alright... my reader demographic likely isn't big on musicals, but suffer through. My favorite is Guys and Dolls - sorry but you really can't resist Brando back in the day, even if his singing wasn't exactly on par with the uber skinny Sinatra. And beyond the love stories, the whole musical is based on illegal gambling, broads and drinking. So, it's easy to see why it's my favorite. So here's my mushy love quote from the movie from the stubborn, straight laced doll of the film. In that kind of mood...

Arvide Abernathy: And I never saw until now how much in love with him you are. 

Sergeant Sarah Brown: I'll get over it. 

Arvide Abernathy: Why would anyone want to get over the one thing you hope for from the minute you're born and remember until the day you die? 

Sergeant Sarah Brown: I'll get over it. 

Arvide Abernathy: Why? Because it's the greatest reward that woman or man can have on this earth? To love and to be loved?

This is where I am today...

So let's start over with no means to an end
Just an open-hearted hope and a closed hand, full of friends. 

(This too but it's way more direct: 

Every morning when the coffee's on
And I rediscover that color in your eyes, in its gold and its bronze)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QEj8bBHq4s4

Last night my former co-worker texted me "See G, you ARE a badass!"

Time to prove her right and finally stick up for myself.