Money-Back Guarantee

Where have I been you ask? Did the date that G mentioned in her last entry, sweep her off her feet and fly her out to Vegas to fulfill her lifetime dream of getting married by Elvis??

Not so much, kids. Sorry for me, but y'all get to be entertained by yet another bad dating story.

The reason why this entry is so late is because it's taken this long for the rage to subside.

The story begins with me having an awesome day... I told my boss I was tired, so she gave me a day off... I started with a massage, found the cutest kid's store in DC which I'm sure will be taking more of my money and then went to Starbucks. When the barista heard me order an iced venti breve latte, she told me I was hardcore. I explained it was my day off.... anyway, after finishing my excursion with a pedi and a sandwich, then took a well-deserved nap so I could prepare for my date.

Fortunately, my day was so good, as I was napping I realized no matter what happened, I had a damn good day.

Thank sweet baby jesus for that... because here it goes.

I looked cute kids... really cute. I don't say that much, either. Anyway, date calls and wants me to meet him close to my house, so I walk over all giddy with excitement and cuteness. As I peer down the street I see the streetlight bouncing of someone... and ask myself... that's not my date, is it? that can't be my date. that's not what the picture looked like. can i turn around? is he waving at me? ah, crap.

the picture of my date was down right adorable. the real version was a tubby lunchbox that only resembled his picture if i had my contacts out, covered one eye and hopped on the opposing leg. I came to that conclusion in the first 5 minutes being that my date was practically mute on our 15 block uphill climb to see bluegrass music (note to roomie: How NASCAR is that?!).

After managing to break a sweat on the coolest night we have this summer, we finally arrive at our destination. Where I hear my date finally speak:

Date: Oops.
Me: What's that?
Date: I forgot to get money and there's a cover
Me: Oh.
Date: Yea.
Me (realizing he's expecting me to fork out): Um, ok... well I have some cash, let me get us in the door.

I ignore these red flags (unrecognizable, no cash, mute), since everyone has been on my back about how I need to give people the benefit of the doubt... honest mistake, blah blah blah. My date makes us go to the second level of this place where we crawl into this table and immediately get blocked by other people awaiting the blue grass. (Knowing I have no escape route, I wish I had grass of another kind and happily order a beer when the waitress arrives).

After "are you a lightweight?" drunk guy date, I have a new policy of eating before I go out. Unfortunately, date didn't bother to tell me that we would be eating, so I order a salad (something I hate doing, because trust me, I have no problems getting a real meal). Although sweating just from sitting down, date orders fried chicken, a double order of mashed potatoes and cornbread. He then lights up a cigarette and I'm wondering if I should retake those CPR courses for my next date.

Since I haven't been able to date anyone with a normal occupation (magician, male nurse, 2 radio djs and almost a doughnut maker), my date is a struggling actor at night, paralegal by day. You would think being an actor you would have the ability to communicate with others, but I find myself using media training exercises to get this guy to speak at all. Then something changes... I managed to open the flood gates of his youth and spend the next 3 1/2 hours trying to hear his stories over the twang of the banjo in the background. I also get to hear all the struggling actor in NYC stories which include him renting a place in Hell's Kitchen that he had to sleep w/socks on his hands to avoid getting bit by fleas. (Did I mention I never finished that salad?)

If time flies when you're having fun, time can stop dead when you're not. I bided my time, desperately wanting to know when would be a polite time to leave. Upon my 6th yawn and as I manage to block out another band camp story (yea, and NOT joking by the way), I ask date what time it is.

Me: It must be getting late. What time is it?
Date (still sweating): Oh no.
Me: What's that?
Date: 12:05 am
Me: And?
Date: I missed my last train.

Silence at the table.... I'm not taking this guy home and I'm NOT offering to drive there either.

Me: So what are you going to do?
Date: I don't know, since I don't have any money.
(grrrr)

After 10 minutes of silence, we flag the waitress down to get our check. Much props to the waitress who clearly knew the time I was having and grabbed his credit card before I could get my wallet out.

But the good-natured G that I am and STILL trying to give the benefit of the doubt, I reach into my wallet and pull out what I thought was a $10. Before I can even get out the words "I'm really sorry you missed your train, this should help get you a cab", date grabbed the $20 with his grubby fingers like it was the hope diamond.

Me: Is my place in the direction the cab needs to be going?
Date: No.
Me: Oh, um.. I guess I need my own cab (to self: can i get change from my last $20)?
Date: We can walk and I'll get a cab down by you.

Ok, logic here people. It's late. I'm going in the opposite direction of where the cab needs to go. Wouldn't it be quicker if we just got a damn cab (w/my money), who could drop me off QUICKLY? Apparently not... as we begin our 20 block downhill (at least) walk to my place.

I ponder a few things on our quiet walk home. 1. How cute that table of boys was behind us that kept looking at me like I was crazy for being out with this guy. 2. Damn, that was one intuitive waitress. and most importantly 3. I need to get this guy in a cab before he tries to touch me in anyway.

As we get to closer to my place, I start identifiying cabs (ooh, i'll get the next one, ooh, he's going the wrong direction)... I realize, I absolutely need to get this dude in a cab before he tries to touch me.

We are preparing to cross the street to my place, I see the golden cab with its halo... I run right into the middle of the street, not caring about getting hit by a car, knowing that could only relieve me from the pain I'm experiencing right now... I need to hail this cab. NEED IT. The cab stops and I say BYE.

Yes, another dating experience comes to an end. You would think that after shaking me down for about 30 bucks, he'd at least sent an email or called to thank me. Not once did he thank me for anything.

So, my friends, I have a new solution to this problem. The next time I want to go out on a date, I'm through F***in around. I'm hiring an escort. If I'm shelling out cash for broke losers, I might as well kick in more bucks and get a professional.

Hope you all are having a good weekend.

Smooch,
G

The New Addition

Hello everyone...

Some of you may know this, but I'm happy to announce, I'm going to be an AUNT! That's right, for the first time in 29 years my family will have its first baby. I must say I'm pretty excited, considering I live close to my brother and his wife, so I'll actually be here for the delivery and everything.

Schmeffy asked me when I started liking kids so much. I'll be the first to admit, being the last born in a family -- years after everyone else, I was always more concerned about being an adult than wanting to be around babies.

Then one day, I found out one my closest friends was pregnant. Then another, and another... (and another). I was completely amazed these people were going to raise a child, when the only thing I've mastered was keeping a plant partially alive.

Soon after, I started meeting all these new additions one by one, I realized something...

All these new little people are perfect combinations of all the people in my life that I surround myself with--the ones I love so much. How can that be anything but a good thing?

One day, they look at you, or smile at you, or say "Up!" or give you their favorite toy... then forget it, I'm completely won over. (Call me easy).

Sure, this may be a little departure from the normal G rant. Stay tuned as I have a date tomorrow and its bound to be back to my old self. But for tonight, I leave you with warm fuzziness.

Smooch,
G

Let's Go Crazy

Here's a fun gid-bit for your weekend... I'm working at a mental health conference this week (and weekend.. grr)... but I thought you'd enjoy this fun story. Psychologists are crazy. I wish I was kidding.. definitely not as crazy as the psychiatrists in Atlanta... but today one guy came up to me and said he authored a paper on vomitting as a way to relieve anxiety. He followed that by telling me I was an attractive lady (he was like 75 years old).

So, was I sent to the conference as anxiety eye candy? I wish I knew.

Have a good weekend kids.

Smooch!
-G

How to Date A Pagan Without Even Trying

Like I said, not only am I not the only gal with dating woes, the boys have their fair share too. Here's a story of a not so lovely lady.. I'm actually dedicating this one to my friend who's had some bad online dating luck lately....

guy winks at girl, hmmm she's cute he thinks, she's 5'8", but heck i'm a confident guy so what if she has an aerial view of the inpending male pattern baldness... i can roll with anyone! couple of emails and one phone call later they decide to go out...

i was estatic that she lived in locally, ahhh no long drive after another holy cow was that your high school yearbook picture? BUT- oh boy i can't go to my normal haunts, never poop where you eat! ok there's a TGI Fridays, in town, i've never been there but i know where it is... lets meet there...

i show up 5 minutes early, she's already there... wow, she is tall, i'll look like her little brother.. bring the A game, i say to myself... as she goes to get up and greet me, she knocks her drink over, i smile trying not to laugh, she is mortified.

WHOA! my eyes realize those are leather pants she is wearing, not knowing what to make of this i down shift into small talk and making funnies, after a couple of huhs? and i can't hear yous she suggests we get a table, i say sure and get up to see the hotness; she stops me and says i have one waiting, i'm thinking is this fridays or the tavern on the green? anyway it's a corner booth as big as day, for just the 2 of us, i am cornered so to speak, so i am making conversation and occasionally mixing in jokes like - when she asks me where i live- well i say, i just put down some money on a double wide, what religion i am - i say pagan, must of been the beer but i thought she laughed at those two jokes, she laughed at everything else!

so the convo drags a bit; i return serve and ask her about herself, and she got to this little classic tidbit... my 20-year-old boyfriend freaked out when i asked my mom to come over and give a pagan ritualist blessing on my new mobile home... i can feel the beer bubbles irritating my nostrils cause i am trying to gauge wheter she's joking or serious, then she continues with this little gem, i bought the mobile cause my mom wouldn't let me smoke pot in the house anymore

-cough hiccup cough- the beer bubbles come flying out and i pretend to have something stuck in my throat...

now after i regain my compsure and tackle the waitress for the check, she moves in for the kill, and dares me on several occasions to kiss her in public, now mind you, she is good looking, and i have had a few beverages but my brain was stil thinking, where is there a trailer park around here?

as my mind contemplates whether i can still crawl under the table and make a get away, like i did when i was little, she takes both hands to my head and puts this enormous tongue down my throat....

so i finally get her out to the parking lot, i'm thinking i'm home free! one quick goodnight stanza and i'm out, she asks- where do you live?

i freeze, i'm a hundred yards away from home, i stumble over the words--over there...

she asks to see it, i tell her it's a townhome and she says let's go, i am perplexed, by anyones definition she is hot and the leather pants while a bit over the top for a first date, are still leather pants and she's stil hot, so here i am, she is following me the .7 miles back to my house, with so little time i am flummoxed! i can't decide what course of action to take, the criteria is muddled, pot smoking pagan mobile home owner? ummm yeah... i couldn't do it... she could become stalker girl, so i made up a lie and lived to date another day!

you can bet i check religion now!

It Ain't Just Me Babe

Yay! Dating Horror Stories, Not from G. I didn't get to all of them but here's a few to get you started:

Date #1 - This One Sounds Familar!
I went out with Bad Date. He was a little drunk before we got together for dinner, he had been watching football, and so I understood. He comes over and demands that I swing dance with him in my kitchen. I said, "let's just go to dinner" He was yelling at me to swing dance, and you know me I can be very stubborn. So we go to dinner and I did not want to drink, I had been going to the gym a lot and just didn't want to drink. He tells the waitress to bring me a drink and I said I didn't want one. He starts yelling at the waitress and me. So the drink comes and I refuse to drink it. More yelling. So he got up to go to the men's room and I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door.

Date #2 - Hairy Barry
I went on a date and my date informed me that he had spent a lot of time getting ready for our date and that he had been looking forward to it, (seemed sweet) then he told me that his mother had even shaved his back for the special occasion.

Date #3 - Cheap Chip
I also went on a date and we went to dinner and when the check came he informed me he had no money to pay.

Date #4 - Check the Card! (from a friend of a friend)
She was dating this guy and one night he was an asshole, and she got mad at him so he says "let me take you and your girlfriends out to atlantic city to make up for it" she says "ok" they go and have a great time and a few days later she realized that he had snagged her credit card and charged everything for that whole evening on her card. (G Note: OOF. I'd report it stolen!)

Date #5 - Don't Spoil Your Dessert
Well, one of my all time favorites in when a friend set me up on a date with a friend of his. I had seen this potential date once in passing and he seemed cute and plus I was in the mood for a free dinner. So the date came to my apartment. I was living in a big loft apt, so there was no bedroom. We were about to leave for dinner and I told him to watch TV for a minute I was going to hit the bathroom before we left. I came out of the bathroom like a minute later to find him naked on my bed. First, I was confused then disgusted by the UNBELIEVABLE amount of body hair. (G Note: Should've taken a lesson from Hairy Barry)
Me: what are you doing
Hairy beast: I thought we’d have some fun before dinner
Me: am I on candid camera??
Hairy Beast: what
Me: Please Leave
Hairy Beast: so, no “before dinner fun”??
Me: Is this a dream???

Believe it or not, these are only a few of the ones I've got to share. See kids, its not just me! Next time, the boys strike back.

Smooch!
-G

Schmeffy Retorts Midget Interpretation, Schmotty Contests Theory

For the newer people, I'm just as crazy as my friends. If you haven't read Schmeffy's retort, see below. Schmotty has now joined the action with his hole in Schmeffy's theory (which sounds dirty, but isn't).

schmotty says: I have a hole.... since midgets are smaller, don't they have a higher surface area to mass ratio, therefore requiring more energy (food) to keep them going?
which would bring them up to our level of food consumption... plus, they're just as wide. so the cars will only get shorter, which means every time they get into an accident with a big persons car they will go underneath, get decapitated, and further reduce their numbers and lets not forget we're bigger, and if it comes the that we'll just take their stuff

schmeffy said...
it would be nice if the simple people would at least attempt to state the theory correctly when trying to use it to poke fun...for all of your better understanding, it is a simple matter of SPACE being a limited resource. you have all seen it, look at your rents...at the cost of new houses. the places that you grew up now have twice as big, high rises are getting higher. for all of you that live in metropolitan areas, you have seen what small space some people expect you to be able to live in. it is a precious commodity, because it is gradually running out.now obviously there is still always the hope that nasa will eventually figure out how to colonize space, or turn the atlantic ocean floor into the new place to be, but what about other resources...like food and fuel. the population is still growing and spreading everywhere and the simple fact of the matter is that larger people require more of these resources. they eat more, it takes more power and therefore fuel to make them move...and they take up more room, not only in a housing sense, but from a waste perspective.smaller people, yes midgets...are simply more efficient. they require less to fill their midget stomachs. their halfling bodies need less energy to move and they create less waste. their hearts don't even need to pump as hard because the blood doesn't have as far to go.further, every body being smaller, would mean every thing around them could be made even smaller. that compact car could be subcompact, take up less space on a smaller road (help with traffic too!) and require less fuel to power. that 30 story apartment building you live in could be refitted into a 60 floor high rise, without even changing the skyline. just imagine for a second...everything around you...from a space and population perspective...being twice the size...now i am not sure what the good detective was thinking...but i wouldn't expect anyone to believe we are going to start shrinking here. this is a process of natural selection. evolution. in the days of old, height and size were advantages...beings that were could reach the higher foods, tackle the larger prey. now, with the rise of technology, those strengths are unnecessary. who do you know that is going out to pick fruit from a tree or tackle a boar for dinner tonight? or even for the matter of war and competition, actually is involved in hand to hand combat anymore...the 'strong who survive' will be those that are more efficient...need less to make it day to day...can utilize their surroundings without wasting space for what are now no more than things of vanity...i would have been willing to provide the aforementioned diagrams, however i have no idea what might have happened to that bar napkin. can't really control when your epiphany strikes you know...

Why Sweet Baby Jesus? Why?

I am having one hell of a week. And, I'm well aware I'm saying this on a Tuesday. Yesterday, I managed to lose my CEO, received my second wrong 10,000 (that's right 10,000) piece order of postcards AND a candidate for my calendar... and that was just work. On my way home, I ran over a fire hose spout, much to the dismay of the firefighter giving me the finger (no worries, I called Dad tonight and mentioned we might be getting another letter from DC). I finally get home, go to my room to change and step into a pool of water. Apparently, the upstairs AC was clogged and it leaked down through my wall and into my carpeting (which now smells like wet dog). This is karma I'm sure for a. getting the bigger bedroom (roomie has probably been hoping for this for awhile) and b. running over the fire hose.

But I digress, so I know you kids don't want me to be a nun. I got the message loud and clear. So, in order to prevent further bad dates, I've decided to direct everyone to my blog immediately, so they know what they're in for... (disclaimers may be necessary in the future). Schmeffy thinks this is an integral step in the Gina's School Of Dating (And For Kid's Who Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too)....

But then again Schmeffy also believes his computer is being monitored and bugged because I told him the person who commented on yesterday's blog entry about the US finally making terrorist plans is actually from the department of defense.

AND let's all not forget about his midget theory (one of my personal favorites), which is that the pendulum of our current existence (which is to make everything bigger--supersizing, SUVs, etc.) will swing the other way and we will seek things more streamlined and smaller, thus causing us to downsize and breed into smaller beings (to fit more of us in apartments, etc). What's truly amazing is not only the theory as told by the Schmeffster, but the fact that a. he believes it and b. can draw diagrams and conversion amounts as to how many midgets v. "big people" can fit in apts and how much food they would need also.

True story. Speaking of true stories, I'm getting a good collection of bad dates so stay tuned for that.

Smooch!
-G

Honestly.

I'm no commander-in-chief or anything, but shouldn't we have had these in place a little bit ago??

The U.S. military has devised its first-ever war plans for guarding against and responding to terrorist attacks in the United States, envisioning 15 potential crisis scenarios and anticipating several simultaneous strikes around the country, according to officers who drafted the plans.

Respect the Friday Happy Nappy

Since I moved down here, I've had the beautiful option of "flex hours"... this means you work at little extra each day and then come Friday, presto, you have a 1/2 day!

Now since I got a pretty cool job, on top of "flex" they add "summer hours"... this means if you work a little bit more every day, you get out at 11:30 AM on fridays.. that's right 11:30 am.

Now, I've never been a ritualist... I mean with the exception of scheduling my interviews to watch Dawson's when I was unemployed anyway.. but down here I learned a new ritual... The Friday Happy Nappy. This consists of a 3-4 hour nap mid-day so that I'm prepared to go out on Friday night... let me tell you, nice work if you can get it.

Unfortunately, since we have a million deadlines while everyone in the DC area is on vacation, this nap is not happening. Because my ceo (who i honestly adore) has spent the last 3 hours wordsmithing the same document, over and over again... ayi papi.

You need to respect the Friday Happy Nappy.

In other news, my roomie will be very happy to learn that I killed my first bug (unsupervised) today... well more like I heard it buzzing.. went to run out of the bathroom.. and it was actually caught in the cross fire... he didn't fully die, he was upside down and flailing about.. which is why he's currently under my roommate's docksider, which is sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor. if anyone wants to here him freak out.. call at around 6:30, when he trips on his own shoe covered in dead bug goo (the flies down here are NO joke big).

This just in on the singleton news front (which is what you people love the most, i know), my dear Nicole adds yet another reason to the list of Why Hetero Men Are So Stupid.

A boy she was dating decided he wanted to be "just friends" (yea, that NEVER means what it says, by the way.. unless your Clinton I guess) . Not entirely comfortable with the situation, she tried her best to sever ties from him. Well, Sporty calls her up today and asks if she will file his taxes for him!! That my friends wins this week's Los Caljones Grandes award (aka the Are You Kidding Me?!?! award).

In the meantime, I'm half continuing my hiatus... we'll see what that actually entails soon. ;-)

Have a good weekend everyone.

smooches,
G

Doesn't Anyone Work Anymore?!

Not that I don't appreciate the love and affection, but, do you people really need me to blog to promote happiness in your lives? Or is it a method of escape? Or is it.. Schadenfreude??

Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy
And when I see how sad you are It sort of makes me...Happy!
Sorry, human nature-Nothing I can do!
It's...Schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I'm not you.

I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it! D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?
And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?
And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy, Watching people out in the rain!

That's...Schadenfreude!
People taking pleasure in your pain!

Oh, Schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"

"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is German!
Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken
Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in!
Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"
"No!!!"Schadenfreude!"
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

How about...Straight-A students getting Bs?
Exes getting STDs!
Waking doormen from their naps!
Watching tourists reading maps!
Football players getting tackled!
CEOs getting shackled!
Watching actors never reach the ending of their oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great.
We provide a vital service to society!

You and me! Schadefreude!
Making the world a better place...To be!

For those of you that haven't seen it, run, don't walk to see Avenue Q (what these lyrics are courteousy of... other hits include Everyone's a Little Bit Racist and It's Ok if You're Gay)

Smooch,
G