Oh Boy.

Thanks to everyone who's been calling to check in on me. I don't have any health updates yet, other than the next few weeks I'll be splitting my time between working like crazy and an attractive assortment of hospital gowns. If y'all are really lucky, I'm going to start asking for pics of these medical tests... I figure what better Xmas card than one straight from one of my internal organs.

At any rate, second question after "How are you feeling?" is "Any new boys?" It seems you kidz really love the tales from the dating crypt.

So, here's an update. Yes, there have been some boys. I went on a date this week in fact. Nice guy... but like always, I seem to go on a lot of first dates, so if we hit a second, I'll keep you posted.

But this tale ain't about him... this one is another prospect that I was supposed to meet.

So, this guy was super funny, really enjoyed his emails, etc. We were supposed to get together, but then this morning I received the following in my email inbox:

Subject: Jason's Wife
Body:

G,
Just becuase I think you should know the truth. Jason is still married to me and will be until Jan, and he has a son that is 16 mo old that he sees 4 hours a week. His choice. I don't want anyone is get hurt mainly you. I don't care if you date him, meet or not... Just thought women to women you should know.
-Extremely pissed off future ex-wife (Ok, for the sake of privacy, she gave her name, but I removed it)

Whoa, dude. Whoa. How did I possible miss the fact that this guy was a complete liar? Well, here's the tip off, he claims to be a retail manager making $150K a year! Really need to start reading those things better.

Anyway, I decided to do the right thing... and sent the following response:

Dear Extremely pissed off future ex-wife,


Although I haven't even met Jason, I appreciate you telling me. I was not aware of this.
I'm very sorry that so many men are such scum in this world. I hope both you and I find one that isn't, b/c I'm told they're out there.

-G

Now, I sat and re-read this for awhile and then I figured... well why stop there. I forwarded the wife's note to this Jason-character with the following:

Before I even get a chance to answer your email... I got this one. Looks like you might have some stuff to work out.
It's a shame, your emails were quite funny and you seemed like a decent guy.
Good luck.
-G

Seriously, why are there so many bad men in this world!?!

And yes, I know the majority of you are responding "no, there's not... there's plenty of good men." And my comment back is, you know what, then prove it to me. Because, ladies, you better hold on to your married fellas and hope they're only holding on to you. And men, if you are good, than please stay that way... according to the laws of supply and demand, the world is already filled with a surplus of dickheads.

Ok, with all that said, I realize that my contest clearly deserves more incentives. I don't know what y'all could possibly want beyond me moving to your area but I've come up with a few thoughts:

1. A monthly supply of my famous chunky pecan bars for life
2. Sunday morning pancakes per request
3. I will come to your house every December and decorate it so that it looks like Christmas threw up. Ask Schmeff, I mean business when it comes to Christmas.
4. You have the choice of either a) keeping my first born (and right now it would quite helpful we did this transaction sooner rather than later) or b) naming my first born (yes, any name... the kid's gonna hate you, not me).
5. I also possess a talent for handmade soaps, so, I'll keep your house stocked in those too.

I'm sure there's more, but for the right guy, I'm willing to pay the price.

Smooch,
G