Just when I think of a clever title, I google and it's been used. Most things have. There's this whole concept (or maybe just yet another G theory) that it isn't a disease that kills you it is what happened to lead to the health issue that you have.
Case in point. Stress is now a noted "killer." There's upwards of a million articles on "stress" and how it affects your health - ups your cortisol levels causing weight gain; destroys your GI system through ulcers; can cause blood clots; elevates anxiety; raises your blood pressure; etc. Check, check, check, check and check. When you're a medical marvel like me, it also ups your inflammation and other hormone levels and then partners with your favorite medical pal, Utie causing complete chaos.
There are ways to balance all this of course, the fine art of "pain and stress management." Pain management is relatively simple though not entirely effective. Stress management, well, it's not my forte, but I've tried many things, my most effective are walking, massages and art therapy (that's a fancy way to say yes, I do color, paint, and sometimes even do glass fusion).
Even with my pending lottery win, I will have to manage my stress and pain for the rest of my life.
Beyond stress or maybe even accompanied with it, there is the disease of self-doubt. Self-doubt thrives on the mistakes you make, it is also worsens when you hear all about the mistakes you make ad nauseam from people who you trust, you love and my favorite, the voices in your head who are better than all of the above at beating the shit out of you.
I've spent the last year or so working to overcome self-doubt. It's lead to some amazing experiences and also some epic failures. I'm not sure I've ever had much of an issue owning my mistakes, but I have been told otherwise. Mistakes I make on a daily if not hourly and sometimes minute-by-minute basis. "Regrets, well, I have a few, but then again to few to mention." (He's always on points with lyrics for me).
I don't want more regrets in my life, but what I want even less is mistakes that involve other people because those are the things that haunt me and hold me back. I can't live with hearing "you did this to me" or "you're the reason why I'm here." Some people will say that everyone has free will and that is true. I've never held anyone at gun or guilt point to force things to happen. But those words alone break me. I guess, in some ways, it's dodging responsibility - or at least some people could see it as such. For me, it's more about not wanting to ever hurt anyone. I go out of my way to not hurt people, even if it means hurting myself, since hurting myself is easy (I do it at least 14 times a day in the physical sense, stupid non-bumpered walls and carpet that makes you trip).
And for anyone reading this... although, I think I'm down to one loyal reader at this point, you're probably wondering where all of this is stemming from. Just another crossroads in my life where I'm forced to make more adult decisions and consider other things. Putting this out to the Universe in the hopes that someone/something will help guide me in the right direction or help with my decisions.
I really am tired of making decisions without the help of an adultier adult. But onward, I go.
Smooches,
G
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