When you have a lot of love to give...

This has been one crazy summer. I wish I could say it's been filled with concerts, beach time and all the other fun stuff. It hasn't. Long before we said I do...maybe when I said "yes" on the beach, life has thrown just about everything possible our way. Lost jobs, house issues, parent health stuff...bring it all on it. Yet, we've drudged through it all. There's a saying about making sure you're in the foxhole with the right person (something like that...war is not my speed). But we're battled tested and continue to be.

There's times that I'm overwhelmed, or he is. But, we keep going. As much as we've been through, the blessings we've received never remain unnoticed or unappreciated. So, we give back. Not in the most common ways these days - we don't cut a check to say thanks. We help our neighbor clean up her front yard - I now have way too much landscaping experience for a girl who hates bugs and sweat. Maybe sometimes we find ourselves lending only an ear.

What do we get back? Building an entire community and foundation of friends and family - the best of all - friends that become our family. Throughout all the times we wondered how we would make things work, we've received the same helping hands from the least expected places.

Hubs and I can't go anywhere without making friends. We've tried hard to even avoid it, so we can focus on each other. But, as I love to say, everyone has a superpower - and ours is friendship and love. Apparently, we have a lot of love to give, and so we do so as much as we can to whomever we can. (I mean really, who winds up having friends from a funeral? Yes, that's happened).

Sometimes we want to be selfish, be alone, rest together. But it seems to be our calling to spread our happiness and love to those around us. So we go with it and it continues to pay us back three fold - if not more.

Our lives are hectic, stressful, trying but there is rarely a time that we can't find something to laugh about or enjoy. Even if it's just singing to bad music in the middle of BJs while spending a fortune on food.

I get frustrated, trying to seek perfection...but then I realize how perfect living an imperfect life really is. I'm grateful. Every. Day. I may not see it or show it all the time, but, that's the hard truth. We are blessed, we are lucky and we are and are in love.

Smooches,
G

Thoughts and prayers

Listening and love cost nothing. Google "Loneliness" and you will see it's become a public health issue. I typically avoid posting my opinion but it seems it's the right time to say something. I hate dreading the weekend knowing it will be news of where the latest mass shooting is - then making sure I don't know anyone in that area. I'm all for thoughts and prayers, but maybe it's time for action - action that isn't about bans or blame. There's plenty of that to go around. Take some time. Make some friends. Talk to people. Love them, even if you may not understand their POV. Build the community you want to be a part of and maybe the results will surprise you and all of us. What do we have to lose at this point?

Life is pain highness

Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Eight years ago...damn. I worked so hard for this moment. Not pictured: the sheer pain I was in, 40 miles in to a 60 mile walk...500+ miles and 6 months of training. My only thought: just be strong enough to keep up and be there for your best friend. I was so worried I wouldn't make it and would be an embarrassment. She thought I was crazy, not much new there. But we walked...it was an amazing experience to support breast cancer...something that my mom would be diagnosed with a month later. So much for my thinking that we would get a pass for thousands in fundraising, 60 miles of walking, a bee sting and countless blisters including one under my toenail (don't try that one at home). My mom turned out to be one of the lucky ones...a lumpectomy and done. I wish cancer was that simple all the time but it isn't. But this pic, thanks to Facebook memories, reminds me that we love, we fight, we may not always win...but we keep marching on. I'm sad today. I'm angry today. I may rest for a bit, but tomorrow, I walk on - with my friends and family beside me in spirit or otherwise.

Smooches,
G

Oh hey readers...

Because there is more than one. Had a much needed girls night which felt
Like herding cats (pun intended) but never realized how much the other cats needed it too. Stalkers reading the blog.

We all need some nights out. We all need to vent. We all need each other. So 2020, that's happening. We may have forced some to stay out late and drive but, we need to have some down time.

We're all struggling which sound bad, but it's not. We just all need some time. For hiccups, belly laughs, bad selfies and love. Because there's way more of that which needs to come around and go around.

Even if you are 16 3/4 on the list.

Kudos to Chelsea for the 2 shots Deep Eddy Vodka, strawberry purée and seltzer mix.

Smooches
G

Sometimes it’s just lyrics

Sometimes, though rare, I get complaints that I haven't written in awhile... but sometimes, all I have are lyrics... and they're not my own... though sometimes they are... but this song, it haunts me. Thanks for the open door and the love. Happy 1+ years babe, the only one still reading this. It's been a heck of a ride for way longer than that... but you remain my superhero. 

When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

When everything feels all over
Everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all worry out of your mind

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart, to your heart

I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today you'll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say

Let my love open the door
It's all I'm living for
Release yourself from misery
There's only one thing gonna set you free
That's my love
That's my love

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door

When tragedy befalls you
Don't let it drag you down
Love can cure your problems
You're so lucky I'm around

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

The good wife

Am I the perfect wife? Hell no.

Am I a good wife? Well, God knows I try.

It's sometimes in the stupidest of ways. Yes, I go all 50s and I make my husband lunch and dinner nearly every day. I try to make him laugh daily too. I try to make him realize the man he is, and who he could be. I try to follow and let him lead when I know I don't know the way.

Does it work?
You have to ask him. Not always is my guess. Sometimes we don't want to listen and more often we don't want to learn.

So, I don't know if it works. That's my question every day. I know it hasn't always but my hope is that it will. But, it all comes down to a note.

I've watched a million movies, I've loved them all. Most come to the moment of realization...mostly a note. Some people, they're lucky enough to get a note, hopefully from the one they love the most, sometimes it's from the ones they don't which pushes them further. But here's some late night wisdom from me.

"Don't mistake limitations for structure and guardrails as guidance."

If I had to sum up all the life lessons from me and others it's that.

We all need structure, but some that give it, are really setting limits. There are no limits when things are right. Same with guardrails. They're built so we don't crash. But we all do. Some take it as a learned lesson but the truth is if we crash into guardrails we already knew not to, we just didn't listen the first time.

(This is good stuff for those of you paying attention.)

Smooches
G

Happy anniversary?

Current hubs: where would you be if you were still married? Me: in a foreign country faking my own death with a false ID.

Ok...yes, was I married for the first time 7 years ago today? Yes, yes I was. Scroll back, it's all there. Was it an amazing party? Totally. If nothing else, I know how to do that.

Truth? I was sick af. I was sick weeks leading up to that. I was on doctor's ordered bed rest, I had no voice. I also tried for the third and final time to call off my wedding on Christmas Eve. I'm sure there's some debate about that, but it's true.

I can't say I didn't want to get married. I did. But, Monday morning quarterback style, I knew it wasn't the right call. Here's why - 1) I had already said twice it was a bad idea to get married. 2) my ex threatened a dry wedding 3) I spent the night before my wedding getting hammered with my sister, my second big sister (her bff) and her current boyfriend having one of the best nights ever drinking my face off in a fantastic suite in the best hotel in OC, 4) I spent the whole morning both sick and in fear that my soon to be husband would find out that I spent the night having the time of my life and calling off the wedding (per him "if you get drunk at our wedding, we will be divorced the next morning) and 5) when my dad and I waited for our marching orders to head down to the ceremony I said "next time outdoor BBQ"...

A whole lot of truth, I know. I had given my sister hell for knowing she didn't want to get married...quite literally until she said "I do" and then she turned and mouthed "did I just do that?!"

I wanted to get married but if I really thought about it, I knew it wasn't right. I was so sick at the time. I had been through months of hell...and to his credit, he had too. I tried to postpone due to a significantly horrific family loss. I spent months walking on eggshells and making excuses because of that. I blamed myself for so much, I took on so much trying to care for him.

It was a lot. Too much for either of us. The breaking point was Christmas Eve, I just wanted to end it all. I wasn't allowed. I know everyone thinks it's so easy to leave a bad relationship, everyone including myself...hence the numerous times I tried to get my sister to leave her first marriage - including standing in between her and her first husband begging to take a punch from him so I could end their marriage.

It's sucks. It's not easy. I don't recommend being in that position but sometimes you get stuck. Sometimes you think despite all odds it will turn around.

I walked down the balcony with my dad. I said my vows, still in fear that he knew the night before was an amazing night - way too much wine, friends polar plunging in the cold OC ocean, the OC cops showing up and my sister talking them down saying "it's her wedding night, her last chance to have any fun!" And the best part, my insane Italian relatives showing up smoking on the boardwalk as we came back to the hotel laughing our asses off.

Immediately following I literally and figuratively lost my voice. I begged for Makers and a cough drop. God bless the amazing hotel staff who treated me like royalty. Thank you to the friends for the amazing picture of me with all my best boys around me as my groom went missing. Life took quite a turn after that. My wedding weekend consisted of me sleeping on the suite couch so I didn't get him sick. Spoiler alert: didn't get much better. I did get physically better for our honeymoon but I had no idea that vacationing in one of the most amazing places on earth result in crying your face off from being miserable.

It was a shit show. One I kept thinking would get better until I realized I couldn't keep clicking my heels and making it so.

He will never believe I tried, but I assure you I did. I'm sorry for the hurt that I brought because I tried to end it and I tried to make it less.

I wish it was a Disney happy ending, but that's not how life works. Am I married again? Yep. Is it better? Omg, hell yes. Is it easy? Easier, but not the fairytale you'd expect. We work everyday for what we have. We have hard times, harder conversations to make us better. It's a daily battle, although we're rarely at war with each other. We just love each other, stand together and keep moving on despite what we face. Every day is not romance and roses, but we love each other every day and we try our best to be our authentic selves every day. That's the difference. Do I make mistakes? Oh hell yes I do. Bad ones. So does he. We just keep pushing and we don't let go. We having amazing people by our sides to help.

I'm so grateful for that and grateful for all I went through to get here. So happy anniversary to the past...thank you for today and I welcome the future for whatever it decides to throw at us next.

Smooches,
G

Why I stopped celebrating Christmas (Sorta)

Why I stopped celebrating Christmas (Sorta)

It's not that I don't love the holidays. I do. In the words of one Christmas movie "it's all around." Thanksgiving through New Years is a chronic blur. 

I claim two days, one official and one that's solely tradition. Thanksgiving is my official holiday - for six straight years, I've gotten to host. Not without its issues, but I think it's been a success. It's the only holiday, for most, that the entire family gathers. For me, it's nuts, to be honest. I try to enjoy as much as I can but the true joy is having everyone so happy - in fact, getting people to leave is my biggest problem. 

That rolls right into Tree Day and the following annual Ugly Sweater party. This is my self-made holiday that dates long back to my days in Hoboken. It started when I was actually too sick to get a tree and my roommate / friend dragged a tree up our 3rd floor walk up so I could wake up from yet another endo driven day in bed to have something to decorate. It's turned into quite an event, especially as time has moved on and it has now become the annual gathering of friends. All props to my hubs, who this year went on a 4 stop quest for the perfect tree. We landed on one that is smaller than before but still just as beautiful. Then we still have a couple of remaining elves who still are young enough to decorate the tree and the house with the help of egg nog and Doritos. 

Christmas, itself, is more quiet these days. Not that it's not special, but it's more low key. Given how life has changed, family is scattered. The last couple years has been even more quiet with life changes - losing jobs and loved ones. The hubs, who is for all good reasons, no huge holiday fan, has humored my holidays but we make our way through. And through the love and grace of our close friends, we're never alone and always have framily to visit. 

It tests the spirit. Christmas used to mean craziness, family fights, family love...and now it's just a day. So, as a wise superhero has taught me - adapt, react and overcome. I spend the holiday season taking my own time to listen to music when I can, watching my favorite movies when I can fit them in. It's all because I learned a bigger lesson - to celebrate as many days as you can. 

I try to find the wins and love in each day - long before and after the "holiday season." I've come to find that people need the cheer all through the year and appreciating the small wins in life is really what it's about. That's why, unbeknownst to nearly everyone, my favorite Christmas movie is Scrooged. Bill Murray's monologue sums it up. I will put it below, but basically, if you do life right, then you can make everyday Christmas. So, as we hope to enter "drama-free 2020", may you all find spirit and cheer that makes Christmas last all through the year. Despite fending off being sick, I've had major wins - vacation time to finally take a honeymoon and my beloved birds kicking the cowgirls asses. 

Happy holidays, merry Christmas, Feliz navidad... May anyone who reads this be as blessed as I know I am. 

Smooches,

G

From Scrooged, as promised:

I'm not crazy.

It's Christmas Eve.  

It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer; we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more.  

For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.  

It's a miracle.  It's really a sort of a miracle because it happens every Christmas Eve.  And if you waste that miracle, you're going to burn for it.  

I know what I'm talking about.  You have to to do something.  You have to take a chance.  You do have to get involved.  

There are people that are having trouble making make their miracle happen.  

There are people that don't have enough to eat.  

There are people that are cold.  

You can go out and say hello to these people.  

You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say, "Here."  

You can make them a sandwich and say, "Oh by the way, here."  I get it now.   And if you give, then it can happen.  Then the miracle can happen to you.  

It's not just the poor and the hungry; it's everybody who has got to have this miracle.  And it can happen tonight for all of you.  

If you believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen, and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow.  

You won't be one of these bastards who says, "Christmas is once a year, and it's a fraud."  It's not.  It can happen every day.  

You've just got to want that feeling.  And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it.  You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you.  

I believe in it now.  

I believe it's going to happen to me now.  

I'm ready for it.  And it's great.  It's a good feeling.  

It's really better than I've felt in a long time.  

I'm ready.  

Have a Merry Christmas everybody.

Getting my shit together

I hate that phrase did so many reasons, but it's the season for reflection, so, here we go.

A year ago, I had a Christmas miracle. Someone took a chance and gave me a last minute, much needed consulting gig. It was a crazy time - a last minute trip to Boston which turned into a multiple night gig to save an account. We succeeded which turned into multiple trips and several months of getting back into the wonderful world of PR. As much as the universe forced me out of the business, it gave me a path back in with sane coworkers and an insane client. I was grateful and I enjoyed it, but it wasn't going to be a forever home. My team was awesome, something that was lacking for a long time. Out of nowhere an opportunity came up where another company was looking for a consultant or considering a full-time person. I liked the CEO when we met and agreed to take on a second consulting job to supplement what I had as a trial period which turned into full-time. And timing is everything, since my other gig was preparing to ditch their crazy client. This new company is completely virtual. My new boss sold me on the fact that he didn't want to be known as a good PR guy, he wanted to be the guy that his kids remembered as being there for them.

Look - I've heard that speech a lot in this business, mostly during late nights with me reminding whichever boss at the time that they had a family to go home to. So, I took it with a grain of salt. But, he was a man of his word. This job is nothing I've done before which is scary at times, but exciting nonetheless. I'm learning new things every day, I get to geek out on new medical technology.

The best part? I'm home - I've traveled 3 times in 8 months, for one client meeting and 2 team get-togethers...all the way to PA. My clients dress in jeans, flannels and Vans.

It can be scary when you get what you wish for, and worry the other shoe will drop. It's scarier when you realize how much you've put work before life and transitioning to the other way.

So, why "getting my shit together?" Because it finally feels like I'm on the right track. I get to be there for my husband, walk the dog, even though it gets overwhelming to have meals ready and the house under control. I get to be nearby if people need me, focus on my health. It's life changing but there's more I need to do and new challenges. Being remote and home all the time is awesome but I'm home All. The. Time. So, I need to challenge myself to be better and take on more. I'm trying though. I've fulfilled my sister's long-time wish of hanging out on a nearly weekly basis - she always asked me to spend more time with her. (Yes, me, who always lectures people on the gift of time with loved ones.)

I want to keep getting better at having a life - for years what I wanted. I spent time with multiple groups of friends all who told me I deserved this opportunity because of all I went through, years of working my ass off for people who never cared. So, the other challenge is acceptance. I need to fully believe that I deserve this - that the other shoe won't drop and something bad won't happen. That's a tough one. I'm not one to accept that I deserve happiness, but I keep trying.

Getting your shit together - it's something nasty people say when they just want you to do something that they're not willing to take the time to teach you because you should just know.

I don't know how to live this life, but I keep trying and working to get better at it. But I can say, from where I was to where I am, it's a wonderful life and one I'm proud to be part of.

Smooches,
G

#exhausted

I can tell you, I love my life right now. That doesn't mean it isn't perfect or complicated. It's both - leading to my word of the day, balance.

Haha...I know, balance is not a clumsy girl's thing. So, let's talk about juggling.

A long time ago, one of my "peer reviews" from work that led to an employee award and said that I handled all my accounts like a well-trained juggler. Things you don't forget when you dedicate way too long to work. But if I knew then that having work-life balance required that skill...I would've took better lessons.

So, work. I, quite literally and those who knew me then would never believe, that I thank God and the universe every single day for my job. Today, was a super long day for work but, this job is amazing. So amazing, in fact, that I fear sharing it out loud. After 20 years in one of the world's most stressful professions (look it up, I don't have time to cite it), my current company is by far the best I've worked for. I worry every day about someone pulling the plug, I work my butt off every day to try to learn and stay ahead of the game. I make mistakes, but my company has nothing but respect for me and understanding for the fact that life is not work, it's a means to live. So, while I await for my west coast clients to weigh in on something, I still have my life.

And life, sans work, is a roller coaster. I hate roller coasters even though they were my jam back in the day. I do prefer the merry-go-round (it is still my favorite ride).

Life is complicated when you have to deal with it. There's friends, there's family, there's husband and dog. There's going through the roughest of times - which is the most modest way to describe the past year or so. But, the thing that remains constant in both life and a good job, is a team. Sometimes, you lose your team in work, but it's hard when you lose your team in life. Right now, I have the best team I could ask for in life - my hubs, my dog as my immediate team members and my extended team members - my family and my friends.

It's been a rough year, we lost some good team members and experienced a few that aren't such good players. But, we have found joy in the sorrow. We have persevered and continue to do so - no matter what gets thrown our way in crisis management (yep, still PR terms but we're working with what I know best).

It's juggling. It's still working, yet managing to put dinner together while waiting on the west coast, and my teammate coming home but doing a quick run back out to grab a bottle of wine when he sees my exhaustion.

It's knowing tomorrow is Friday, but there's a lot left to do to close out this year and put it behind us for a hopeful fresh start. It's my co-lead coming home and racing to both give and get the world's biggest hug after equally shitty days.

I'm tired, my team is tired...but nevertheless, we exist and persist.

So, here's to us. May we never stop trying to show up and give it all.

And, in the words of my co-lead, Go Birds.

Smooches,
G

My inspiration...

I know it's not exactly "kosher" to post pics from your failed marriage but unfortunately, it's been 6 years and these are the pictures I have. This my "crazy" Aunt Jeanne...crazy as in awesome, lovely and who I want to be in my 80s. This is us, getting down to Mambo No. 5. I wish that she was at my wedding. My husband would've been on the floor with us in no time doing his bizarre fire hydrant dance and whirling her around. I've told my hubs all about her, including my favorite Mambo No. 5 moment of her undressing a 20-something at my cousin's first wedding. My grandma and her sisters (crazy Aunt Jeanne and Aunt Lily) remain the strongest, fiercest women I know. I miss them and try to live life like them every day. But pics like this show me that I am just like them, they are in my blood...they are my blood. It doesn't replace them, but I know they're watching. I best get to dancing, smiling and laughing a heck of a lot more because if they could still give me a hearty wack for not living every day to the fullest. So, back to living, I go. Miss you all and here's knowing that you're having a blast together but I still wish you were here.

The house that G built

Piano man is on repeat. I look at the walls and the pictures are mine. The China cabinet is filled with things that are memories. But I've never sat here looking around at the table that has hosted 5 thanksgiving... have seen people come and go. My nieces who have come to call this place their holiday home. Never appreciated it. It's lovely. I've worked my ass off for this. For years now. Fought tooth and nail to hold it. Through divorce and unemployment...the beauty of it. It all needs to be redone but it's hosted so much... holidays, rehearsal dinner, so much life in just one room. Just one room. Amazing what happens. Hard thing to give up. Have the pictures aren't even mine. I filled holes. Bar is still full and behind me lies bookshelves that hold a mix of memories of ghosts of past and present. There's beauty to behold in all of it. Pain and sorrow, joy and pain. Thank you for all of it. Those that are here, who aren't and those still to come. May you all be blessed and enjoy the happiness that is a home. A good friend once told me that I needed to enjoy my home and own it, I took that to heart but may have forgot my way. So ever once and awhile I remember to take a moment to enjoy and look at what I've created - good and bad. Half of this is mine, the other half, was built by my past. I'm grateful for it all despite the pain. It's all led to something else...something that may be hard but has been better. I'm grateful for that. Joy and pain...life. What a whirl. Because the house that G built wasn't built by G, it was built by friends, family and everyone in between. Thank you all.

You’ll laugh later

You'll laugh later

One thing we don't have is dull moments. The past few weeks have been full of business travel, sickness and health - because after all it's in the fine print of the vows.

I love my husband for a million things, but after several weeks of craziness, I love him for insisting on picking me up from the airport determined to find someplace for us to celebrate "margarita appreciation day" aka National Margarita Day, but the fact that he thought it was appreciation day makes me feel like I did something right in my life. And truth be told, I think all alcohol days should be renamed to appreciation days.

But, before all that, we had to endure some serious shitiness. We manage to keep things busy and our love of throwing parties led us to our annual Super Bowl event. Not as exciting as last year when I knocked over the TV, but a busy weekend which didn't account for me having to leave the next morning for Boston. It also didn't account for me picking up whatever crud was going around. So, two days in Boston and fever kicking in led me to get into a random black car service. Came home to crash and woke up with the highest fever I've had in years. Wouldn't have been a problem if hubby didn't have surgery scheduled for Friday.

That led us to do something we never did before - sleep apart in the same house. Sick as a dog, I couldn't risk him being more exposed. But I was super determined to get better and take care of him. Typically, my sick regimen of two days of NyQuil would work - but this flu/cold wasn't giving up. Flash forward to the night before his surgery and me pondering waking him up to take me to the ER, something which anyone who knows me, knows that I clearly believe I'm dying if I'm pondering that.

Nothing is squashing said fever and sleep is nonexistent. Worse, when I swallow it feels like daggers. Stubborn me, still taking him home from surgery. He wakes up, we take off at 6 am and hit the surgical center. Poor guy is nervous and I look like I'm in a sauna with sweat beading down. I forget that there aren't people in this world that have had as many surgeries as me...and since hubs is a healthcare professional, I just assume he knows the ins and outs of being a patient. He doesn't and worse, he's not used to IV drugs (he sticks, doesn't get stuck). So off he goes on the light sedative saying "bye my wife...that's my wife..."

Back to the waiting room, I sit as I can feel my fever get higher. I was told it would just be an hour, but unfortunately, he's a bit later. The surgeon comes out to tell me he's ok but needs more recovery. Unfortunately, so do I. I text my family saying I'm going to need backup when we get home because I need a doctor stat. My dad offers to come get my husband and I continue to be stubborn saying no.

Finally, I get the call to see him in recovery. I stand up all woozy and see him coming out of his fentanyl fun. I stagger up to him and he's asking the staff what scalpel was used and introducing me to everyone. The nurse starts talking to me about his condition but oddly, no one has noticed that he's covered in hives. I point this out and they double down on his pain meds with a Benadryl chaser. Now he's straight up high. The nurse keeps looking at me asking me if I'm going to pass out. I squeak out that I'm just really sick and immediately there's 3 staff sitting me down and running my vitals. The anesthesiologist then officially flags me from driving as the average my temperature at 102 or higher. Poor dad to the rescue...

After what felt like a lifetime, dad arrives and manages to find the bumpiest drive home. Jay still groggy and I'm dying a slow death in the backseat. We get home and I manage to squeak out a list of everything he needs before I crawl up to bed.

A few hours later, I get next family member up and get my sister to take me to urgent care because we're both certain I'm going to be admitted to a hospital. I leave my post surgical hubby alone feeling even worse that I'm the worst wife on the planet. For added fun, the township shut off our water - no sinks or toilets. My sister who clearly wants to bathe in bleach with me in her car takes me to the thankfully clear urgent care and serves as my translator since I have no voice and swallowing feels like death.

The doc decides I need some on-site steroid and a z-pack. I barely get the steroids down and have a horrible reaction which causes me to feel faint. I rip off my shirt and beg for cold towels. The nice nurse comes in and I throw up in some thing that resembles a giant blue condom. After 30 minutes, I'm about ready to go home with a brand new blue bag.

Sadly, I come in and have to send my sister on the second shopping trip of the day. I realize I haven't eaten all day...and manage some rice. My sister comes and plays babysitter to my husband who's having his own issues. His surgery site hasn't stopped bleeding and the emergency line hasn't called back.

I crawl back upstairs and spend the night hoping my fever breaks - causing 3 wardrobe changes and later, a change of sheets too.

So ends day one of the best week ever for us. Eventually, I'm well enough for the two of us to be together and actually care a bit for him. But just as I'm back on my feet, I'm back off to Boston - this time for 4 days.

It's another crazy ride but we make the best of it - especially with the added bonus of having my very own day planned by him.

Our days sometime sucks, but thankfully it's rare our life together does. And for that I'm blessed and grateful.

Facing Facts

You never really know anyone. Ever. I've always thought if you give everything you got, you get it in return. What a fucking fool I am. What. A. Fool. 

Another "I told you so" moment in life. I heard recently on a podcast that FAIL is a 4 letter acronym for "first attempt in learning." Apparently, I just don't learn as I open my heart to love honestly and deeply. 

There's another 4 letter F word that better describes this moment in time. 

I will let you guess what that is. 

Done. (I'm full of 4 letter words today I guess). 

Bah...hum...ugh...awh

Sad but true fact, I haven't had much Christmas spirit the last two years. Coming from the former queen of Christmas threw up here that sucks to admit. It wasn't that I loved the day itself because I've been apart from my full family for years now. And beyond my annual Hallmark snowman, it certainly wasn't the gifts (see every December in archives). It was more about the time of year, seeing friends and my Griswold family.

I spent last Christmas worried about my career instead of enjoying what I had...a fiancé, our little furry couch potato, close friends that always insist we be part of their family. I played along, but couldn't get outside my own head.

Now husband came with a flaw...shh...I know I say he's flawless. But, he was fully transparent about being no fan of my favorite holiday. I spent several Christmases working to convince him in the only ways I knew how - booze, ugly sweater parties, awesome gifts, more booze. And you know what? It worked. This year, almost two weeks before Tree Day, he texted me that he was excited it was almost Christmas. A week later, he already had my gifts...and I don't even have a clue what they are. Not only was he prepared for Tree Day, he's an expert at tree lighting, made my winning ugly sweater beer pong shirt and even posed in this ridiculous snowman portrait.

So...despite me not having everything perfect in life, I know I need to get my Christmas shhh..stocking together and get some cheer. Poor guy really is doing everything he can, so I'm trying hard to get my head out of my mistletoe and realize that despite not being where I want to be in some parts of my life...I still have the things that are most important. It's a struggle right now...but if I didn't have him, our fur kid, our insane but lovable family and our lovely friends...well, the world just wouldn't be even close to as awesome as it is.

So as much as he hates the music, "Merry Christmas baby, sure do treat me right" and of course "all I want for Christmas is you."

Smooches,
G

Tell me something good

So I said to myself, something good will happen today. But before that I acknowledged that something good happens every day. I wake up, I breathe, I'm alive, I'm in love. I have one of two furry creatures in bed with me - sometimes both (aka husband and dog). It's been a long year...it's been a roller coaster. If you're a fan of the movie Parenthood, I do prefer the merry go round. I know that just goes round and round. The roller coaster is a scarier ride. It can be exciting, nauseating, thrilling...but it's the ride we're on together right now.

Something good happened today. I saw my best friend, I had a walk with my furry best friend, I spent time with my furry husband. I did my best to appreciate the moments and what I have in front of me.

I still have no clue when I will get back to the carousel, but I'm trying to appreciate the ride.

Perseverance

I'm exhausted. I spend every day trying not to complain about that. I shouldn't be. I don't go to work every day. I don't work 12+ hours a day like I used to, well, not entirely. I work hard, maybe I work harder then before because I'm invested in my work. I always used to be the first to scoff at my friends who were housewives and complained. "You have someone that wants to come home to you...kids that love you." I know and I've always known that the grass is greener. I knew they worked harder than I did but they had something that it made it worthwhile. I do too. But, I wish that made it easier. Looking out for more than one, anticipating the next needs and next steps of everyone in your house, or family...holy crap. It. Is. Never. Ending. Is laundry done? Lunch made? House clean? Who's birthday is it? What holiday? Do we have gifts? Is school work done? Are the bills paid? Do we have money to pay the bills? Has the dog been walked...to the vet...is she ok? What am I forgetting?

The funny thing is I used to stress this much about my clients' needs while thinking I had my shit together at home. But making sure I have everything together at home because I have to make it perfect, is a whole new level of trying to be perfect. I hate trying to be perfect. I'm so bad at it. I'm so not perfect...but I want to be. Same way I wanted to be cool as a kid, but I wasn't. But I tried so hard at it.

So it's even worse when people are telling you how to be perfect...at work, almost 20 years in, you could tell people to bugger off because you know what you're doing, or at least think you do. But when people try to tell you how to make the people you love happy and it's new to you and it matters...you listen harder and worry even more.

So...perseverance. Excelsior. Try. So. Hard.

Then, fail. Then hear you need to try harder and worry less. Then be better, healthier, stop doing what you're doing.

Yea, it never ends and you never stop trying. You're the definition of insanity...determined to get it right but being told you already have yet doesn't seem that way.

#exhaustion

Why mental illness sucks

When you have to memorize all the recipes for holidays for years...and you have to say "this is how she does it"...when she is alive, just not well...

When all you want is a smile or even a nod of approval for hours of work...

When you try everything to make someone smile, and nothing you do can make them feel better...

When you just want to know you're doing the best you can, and you hope that's good enough...

Mental illness robs you of all that. The pain is beyond words. But you keep moving on. You give your best cheer. You tell everyone else it will be the best holiday ever until they believe you. No matter what you're suffering from - emotional trauma or pain of your own.

Just. Keep. Trying.

Everyone else depends on it and hopefully you won't break...even though you desperately want to.

Brutal truth

If I have to be honest, no one will ever know how hard you work to make the "perfect holiday." It will never be perfect and I wish I was talking about the Rockwell portrait. It's everything else, accommodating the needs to make everyone feel special. The cleaning, the cooking...the general dealing with insanity and anxiety of the family members.

There's no immediate joy, it's one of those long term ROIs. But it will pay off, for someone who remembers...

Or at least you died trying.

But that's why God invented bourbon.

Happy Thanksgiving! May your holidays be merry and bright.

Smooches,
G

A Simple Formula

Presence + Perspective + Priority = Present (as in gift)

This idea started in my head on my daily walk with the hound today. If I had to sum up the lessons I've learned this year it would be these 3 Ps. I've heard so much this year about presence - being in the moment, savoring time...it was the cornerstone of our marriage ceremony from our pastor. We even nudge each other from time to time about this - especially when those stupid cell phones start buzzing, typically for no good reason. 

And then there's perspective. I'm good at being stressed and worrying. It was one of the things I was known for in my career. I always try to work with the worst case scenario before I figure out the best one. Things can always, be much worse than they are and that's been proven all year long. Worried about a job? No problem, let's throw in a biopsy scare. Or how about volunteering at a food pantry to show you that there are way worse places to be in life.

Which brings me to priority. This one is a struggle. Every hour, every day, sometimes even down to the minutes, we have to assess our priorities. We have a million "important" people, places and things. Yet time gets tighter every day. Deciding what is the necessary is our new daily routine. That requires both sacrifice and compromise, which thankfully, we try to do as best we can and give each other grace. Do I want to spend as much time as humanly possible with my husband? Yes, actually... we're one of those couples that hates being apart. So, it really sucks the days he gets home from a long day and we have maybe an hour to work with or he needs to head to school or just needs to zone out. Or I have to go help my parents when we have plans or we need to share our time with people because we know it's the right thing to do.

I think we have our 3 Ps pretty well aligned and that's what makes all of this a present to us. It's not something I had before and I'm hoping it's something we can continue to maintain. It ain't an easy thing to juggle...but we do our best.

Smooches,

G 

I hate too

I rarely share pictures on here, not like this is a public blog but still. Hubs has taught me the benefits to not living all of life on social media. 

But something hit me with this picture sent by one of my besties. In this crazy world we currently live in of hate, I hate too. 

I hate that despite us cultivating an environment of love, there are people out there that want to do nothing but hate on what we have.

I hate that we live in a world that I was asked by my best friend's husband if it would offend anyone if he and his husband danced at our wedding. Not in our world, but yet, I hate that I had to march up to my bestie and remind him that when your spouse wants to dance, you dance. 

I hate that no matter how hard we work, life only gets tougher but we keep going. 

Tonight, true to his vows and one week later, I was spun across the dance floor that is our kitchen, despite exhaustion, despite our fur kid pawing to be included (which we happily obliged). 

It's exhausting living in a world of hate when you've finally managed to ditch the cynicism and cultivate a life of love. 

Life isn't easy for most, I realize ours is as good as it can get but that comes by design, sacrifice and a shit ton of work. 

But maybe, just maybe, if everyone worked a little harder at love, then a little more peace would come to us all. 

That's my hope anyway...but hey, it is from the girl that wants to believe that glitter and bubbles (whether in drinks or otherwise) can save the world. 

Smooches,

G

Whirlwind wedding...and beyond!

Life post wedding is actually exactly the same as life pre-wedding. It's hard to believe it's almost a week since the hubs and I said "I do." It's been sheer chaos and comedy. Well, we laugh because we realize there's few things that we can't laugh our way through.

But, to recap...the week prior to our wedding we had just about everything that could go wrong, go wrong. Sunday: I fell. That's not news, but the giant welt that followed was. If that wasn't enough, we had family drama which included putting my sister's dog down which kept us up until the wee hours. Monday:
I had an interview that I fumbled through, we got through our errands half asleep and then it was time to pick up the dress - in the rain, of course. Tuesday: the good news, we had some sleep. The bad news, after running around again, two of our toilets broke. Not just a little broke, shooting water out of the wall broke. Funny now, he wasn't exactly laughing while fixing them as I was setting up for our rehearsal dinner. Wednesday: we braced ourselves for company aka my in-laws, who I adore but the last thing we needed was a lack of space. Thankfully, all went reasonably well. Hubs aka superhero made his famous ribs and a good night was had. Thursday: now it's time to really start picking things up. I was up all night with tummy problems (thanks Utie and nerves) and before we could even take a minute, it was off to rehearsal. We love our winery...ok, not really ours but we invested enough that we at least own a row of vines. They were fabulous and greeted us with wine, giving us a stash of bottles to take home. Then it was time for just a "small" party back at the homestead. Our family, especially my mom, outdid herself with transforming our home into a fantastic party...perhaps a little more fancier than our typically drinking and debauchery nights. Friday: day of peace? Nah just kidding. We both had some down time with our besties which almost went off perfectly, except the in-laws losing the dog in the house. Lisa can handle almost anything, except ring tones. Thankfully, she was found. Then it was off to greet the out of towners on both sides and I spent my night adulting - Gatorade, face mask, sleep! Weird. Saturday: the big day! As early as I was, I was a bit behind as my hair and makeup team arrived as I was buttoning my shirt. Of course, people everywhere at home, the car service to take me and my bridesmaids to the winery got stuck in a car wash...we raced out and thanks to my timeline were still ok. Except when we realized that I forgot my bouquet. In-laws to the rescue, meanwhile pre-wedding was just standard- my sister fell down the stairs, parents were late. But at that point, nothing mattered. Short of running down the aisle, I dragged my parents so I could hear my big surprise - having the DJ play hubby's music that he recorded two years ago but never got the tracks back from the producer. (Don't mess with the bride when she decides a week before her wedding she's getting her music!) The rest would be a blur, the ceremony had me being chased by bees and dead flies in our wine ceremony...my sister stepped on and ripped my dress. The kicker was my cousin who had a medical event during the cocktail hour. Of course, after screaming for 911, I should've already guessed my superhero would be at my cousin's side, performing EMT work with his former partner and my police officer buddy. There's a reason why we joked we had just about every service and an urgent care next door, we just thought it would be for me. My Italian cousin, from a family that never to misses a party, went on to the ambulance and just we as we took a breath to get announced, he was behind us insisting he was fine. So, onward we went! We danced, we partied, drank and ate. It was just amazing and so fast. Then it was on to the after party.

And after all that, you'd think the story ends there. Our story never ends. Sunday was game day and thankfully, mom-in-law cooked one of her famous giant meals. Hubs was in bed by 5 pm because he's working more than a Jamaican. But you know, Monday I just sat here and looked pretty...pretty busy that is. Cleaning the house, unpacking from all the craziness. Plus I finally got my knee looked at (blood pocket on the knee cap, yay!) Tuesday, 3 interviews...Wednesday, more work and Thursday a nice 20+ hour freelance job that went awry. But today, I hit the wall. Exhausted, I tried to sleep, walked the dog...prepped for what's about to be an amazing steak dinner. I was about to tackle a ton more but when I slammed my head into the freezer and got lightheaded, I called it quits. I wish I could say we have the weekend, but the mister is needed at the hospital all weekend and then Monday he's back to Pastor school.

So...this is us. Teamwork making the dream work. We miss each other, but I can always count on his smiling face who insists no matter what I do, what I injure, I'm his perfect love...and he, as always, is my superhero. We're hope people don't catch diabetes from our sweetness, but it's just who we are.

Here's looking forward to our first married weekend off - next week. Can't wait to see what happens next!

Smooches
G

Sabbatical

God put me on sabbatical. If you're knew me even 3 years ago, you wouldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth. Me - talking about God? The furthest that used to go was "here's proof that Sweet Baby Jesus hates me"... yes, that was my attitude. I'm now faced with way too much undeniable truth that I'm not hated, I just hated listening.

I never understood how to pause, let alone stop. I missed all the signs - the chronic sickness, the complete collapse, the never-ending hamster wheel run...so, I was finally put on hold.

I had no idea that it would last this long. I had no idea how much life I missed...all the times I thought "well I'm here for this event at least". I was there, just wasn't present.

I have a new level of appreciation for so many things. I've been able to be present and open. Constantly humbled by all the wonder and love that I'm enveloped by in my life. Again, knowing it was there, but never truly appreciating it. My family, while still crazy, is amazing, supportive and loving. My friends - so abundant with awesomeness and love. I've met so many new people...and I have my furry best friend that I've always dreamed of.

I've grown patience! Not for others, because I had a good amount of that. But for myself. I make time for myself...heck, I can honestly say I even love myself. I still struggle with my confidence, but who doesn't?

And all this helps me be the best possible partner to my love. He who lifts me up when I'm down, bears with me when I can't find the strength. But it's not just that...it's spending every day knowing that people wish for a lifetime for what I get to appreciate every day. My superhero, my best friend, my partner in crime...my good/bad idea bear...the one who follows my crazy and goofy. Every day is not perfect, but it is awesome. Sometimes we cry, but rare is the day that we don't laugh and smile about something...no matter how small.

There are days that I don't see all this. I'm not a fan of those days, but when the sky clears and I get hit over the head with all life's blessings...I'm shedding a tear and kneeling in humility and thankfulness.

I'm still waiting for my sabbatical to end. I know it will be bittersweet. But I also know how much I truly have to live for...and that is something few people fully understand.

Enter the superhero...

So, the part that you're waiting for (really I know that someone is waiting for it).

Me + doggy are making our way for a few months...and we had our moments. Turns out she's a straight up street thug on walks and while we passed obedience training, I would say it was more because I begged for a certificate to frame.

She watched me do my normal routine - have a few drinks, go on some bad dates, make poor decisions. But all in all, we were doing ok.

As usual, the online dating scene grew increasing creepy, including learning that I resembled an adult film star which 20-somethings just adored. So I went online to delete my account and accept the fact that it was just me and my ball of fur. And truly, I was ok with that. I was ready to admit defeat and get that it was just us.

As I logged on, someone popped up that I never saw before. Dressed in scrubs with the absolute goofiest smile and two thumbs up which made me giggle out loud. My dog's ears perked up from the foot of my bed. I looked at her and said "ugh, well..this account is being deleted anyway..." she shrugged and went back to her never ending slumber.

So, I did something I didn't do. I reached out. I didn't expect an answer, I just thought maybe I would make someone smile and go about his day.

But instead, I heard back...he was "going to teach and would call me later." Why the quotes? Because if you have ever done online dating you know that's code for I'm never calling. Again, I was wrong. The phone rang as promised...an unexpected 5+ hour conversation followed into the wee hours of the morning. He worked the night shift, I didn't. Not that it mattered for at the time, work was on autopilot for me. We did the unthinkable next step..made plans to meet in person.

Not even thinking, I invited him over. (Don't try this at home). For the record, he should've thought that was psychotic...and I should've thought about how dumb that was. I guess part of me though he wouldn't even show. In fact, I had him show up after a doc appointment where I was scheduling my 7th surgery for Utie.

Yet, I got home with less than 20 minutes to spare and the doorbell rang.

The weirdest sensation in life is opening up the door to your house and looking at a face that already feels like home.

I tried to get my bearings but I was overwhelmed from my day and yet again my sweet lovable pooch was refusing to eat. After handing me flowers, he immediately walked in, got her food and put it in the palm of his hand. I let out a laugh, but sure enough that stinker curled up and ate fistful after fistful. (I guess that's why she's man's best friend)

It was a conversation that seemed to never end...and the night continued on...some drinks, almost too many laughs and then the ultimate PBJ sandwiches. I didn't want it to end...I tried to get him to stay (in my defense, I was worried about the time and him being on the road).

He assured me he'd be back the next day (again, single girl code for "see you around")...

But the next night, there he was...and in the short and sweet version, ever night thereafter.

There's a million more stories wrapped into nearly 3 years, but that's the start of how this house became a home, how the girl got not only the dog, but also the boy that loved them both.

And that's the start of happily ever-after.

Happy Valentine's day to the boy who showed up at my door nearly 3 years ago who became the man I'm lucky enough to marry in 8 months.

Thanks for always checking this blog and reminding me I haven't written.

I love you.

Smooches,
G

It started with a dog...

Life has many chapters. My life may have volumes...let's call it the encyclopedia of G. This one started with a dog.

Starting life all over again, I decided to do something I wanted to do. My whole life all I wanted was a dog. I had a couple of dogs, family dogs...you've read stories of Lucky, the wonder dog and Rocky, my first dog who was the best friend I always needed. Rocky was my protector, sometimes literally, breaking his choke collar to chase a bully down the street. Both knew everything about me. But I always wanted to save a life and I knew that saving a life of a dog who needed it would be worthwhile...an amazing thing. So I did my research and it turned out that middle aged dogs with black fur were the least adopted.

I met a few, but when the foster dogs came to my home, there was this little, polite girl. She was completely scabbed and scarred on one side. No one could say why, because she was a stray from a high kill shelter in NC. Best guesses include she was attacked by another dog or hit by a car. She was too timid to come to the Saturday petsmart outings. The foster mom said she thought we would be perfect together because I worked from home and she didn't like to be alone. All she wanted was to be loved.

It sounded familiar. It sounded like me. Her sad brown eyes told me she had a story to tell and that was about all it took.

Nothing scared me more than when everyone left the house and it was just the two of us. Would she be ok? Would she totally hate me? Would she realize that I was a complete goofball and be embarrassed?

Turned out, I gave her a home, she gave me her ear. Well, truth be told, she took the whole home and managed to leave me a sliver of my bed and sometimes I get to sit on my couch.

So where did my "new life" begin? It began with this furball that became my world. She chose not to eat, and it was a state of emergency...she didn't like noises, and all cell phones went to vibrate.

She's worth it all though because when I least expect it she does something goofy to remind me that life is so much more than I think it is. Never ending conference call? She rolls around in the grass, wagging her tail to remind me that work is just a job. Sick from my endo? She lays down on top of my belly to replace my heating pad.

So here we were...two lost girls making our way, figuring we would do it the same way we always did, on our own. What we never expected is that someone else would come along that would quickly make our house into a home.

Forever young

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay
Forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you

May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay
Forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stay
Forever young

Forever young
Forever young
May you stay
Forever young

What I miss about 'Merica

It's so difficult being back in DC for work. I miss the intellectual discourse that used to take place here. I had the privilege of being here when Obama first won here...from the first win - and the nonstop carnival that took place right on my lawn through Osama's demise. So much good...so much hope. While there were arguments over policy, healthcare...now we argue that people are good and bad, not whether policy is right or wrong.

We live in a time of hateful demise. This town sometimes feels like a prison now, a ghost town of the hope and promise from where we were.

Love still exists here. But, this volatile world...wondering what will happen next. It's downright scary to be 4 short blocks from the White House, which used to inspire so many.

When will people just stop and realize that we are all just people? We are in a country that used to thrive on being a melting pot... different strokes for different folks.

Honestly, I'm exhausted by having to take a side. I want to talk to people about their issues...find common ground.

Yet that no longer exists...and I feel stuck being among the rational, adultier adults that recognizes the fact that until we start a true conversation, we can't reach solutions.

Whew...way too much thinking for such a long day.

Love your neighbor. Understand that it's ok to disagree, but respect their position. Learn from it.

I miss those days.

Smooches,
G

Rules of the road...

A friend of mine on Facebook provided her words of wisdom for her birthday...I really loved it so I thought I'd make my own.

Start your day with mimosas when possible. I'm updating this from "always start every vacation day with mimosas."
If there is a bathroom, stop and go. Seriously, you never know where the next one is. And most importantly, don't assume Mexican restaurants have public restrooms. They don't. (Please don't learn this the same way I did.)
Haricot vert are just green beans. (Don't be fooled by fancy names for ordinary things).
Avoid yelling, people are way more scared when you speak calmly when infuriated.
Treat everyone the same. Really, EVERYONE.
Someone will always be better than you and someone will always be worse. Why compete? Just be you because there's only one of those.
Make friends with everyone especially bartenders.
Know that friends and family, no matter how crazy, are what makes life worth living.
Laugh whenever you can and as loud as you can. If someone tells you laugh too loud, laugh harder.
Learn from everyone. This means to stop, look and listen. People are full of things you don't know, so hear what they have to tell you.
The smartest life lessons come from kids and dogs. Kids remember everything, especially every time you paid attention and every time you didn't. Some of my greatest life joys are when kids remember that I took the time to watch their plays, let them have fun and do something crazy. Dogs teach you how to be a better person, love unconditionally and remind you that it's the little things make you happy.
Be assertive, not bossy.
Forgive. You don't have to forget, but holding anger or grudges gets you nowhere.
Smile. It's free and makes everyone around you happier.
Money can't make you happy, but sharing your wealth is what makes you rich.
Do the things you said you would.
Under promise, over deliver.
There is nothing wrong with singing loudly and out of tune in grocery stores or other places that play the tunes that everyone else wants to sing out loud to (thanks Shoprite!)
Say no to shots, most importantly tequila. (When you break this rule, carbs are the key to survival)
Say please and thank you.
Don't expect to be given anything. Luck is the residue of hard work.

"Wherever Is Your Heart"

It's been a tough few weeks, lost a job opportunity that seemed all but sealed, work has reached insane levels o' crazy, lost a dryer, 1/2 of the electricity at home and my sweet loving dog decided to unearth yet another "bunny rescue" mission by finding a nest in the backyard. I'm so beyond exhausted and defeated... only made worse by not having my superhero here to keep me sane. I guess I'm spoiled for being so used to having my best friend, sanity saver and partner in crime all rolled into one and at home with me.

Happy he's out experiencing a little bit of the world... but hoping he realizes the same thing I do whenever I have to leave for work, that there's no place like home.

"Wherever Is Your Heart"

I think it's time we found a way back home
You lose so many things you love as you grow
I missed the days when I was just a kid
My fear became my shadow, I swear it did

Wherever is your heart I call home
Wherever is your heart I call home
Though your feet may take you far from me, I know
Wherever is your heart I call home

You made me feel like I was always falling
Always falling down without a place to land
Somewhere in the distance I heard you calling
Oh it hurts so bad to let go of your hand

Wherever is your heart I call home
Wherever is your heart I call home
Though your feet may take you far from me, I know
Wherever is your heart I call home

Even when you're high, you can get low
Even with your friends you love, you're still alone
We always find the darkest place to go
God forgive our minds, we were born to roam

Wherever is your heart I call home
Wherever is your heart I call home
Though your feet may take you far from me, I know
Wherever is your heart I call home

Oh God forgive my mind, oh God forgive my mind
When I come home, when I come home
Oh God forgive my mind
There's a road that's long and winding, it hollers home
I'm calling home

Oh God forgive my mind, oh God forgive my mind
When I come home, when I come home
Oh God forgive my mind, oh God forgive my mind
When I come home, when I come home

Wherever is your heart I call home
Wherever is your heart I call home
Though your feet may take you far from me, I know
Wherever is your heart I call home

Wherever is your heart I call home
Wherever is your heart I call home
Though your feet may take you far from me, I know
Wherever is your heart I call home

The stuff that makes life worth living

A lot going on...but fell upon these comments from one of my sweet lil' people...I may only be a fur mom but nothing melts my heart than these kids remembering times with their crazy "Aunt G".

I don't feel like I do much right in life, but knowing that they think I did something right makes it worthwhile.

The Promise

A big shout out to Mr. Chris Cornell.... sorry I was too sick when I saw you to appreciate the show, but truth be told, I appreciate you more sans Soundgarden. For those that don't like to read... (but the lyrics are awesome), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPiJ79Ure1I

The Promise
If I had nothing to my name
But photographs of you
Rescued from the flames
That is all I would ever need
As long as I can read
What's written on your face
The strength that shines
Behind your eyes
The hope and light
That will never die

And one promise you made
One promise that always remains
No matter the price
A promise to survive
Persevere and thrive
As we've always done

And you said
"The poison in a kiss
Is the lie upon the lips"
Truer words were never shared
When I feel
Like lies are all I hear
I pull my memories near
The one thing they can't take

And one promise you made
One promise that always remains
No matter the price
A promise to survive
Persevere and thrive
As we've always done

The books still open on the table
The bells still ringing in the air
The dreams still clinging to the pillow
The songs still singing in a prayer

Now my soul
Is stretching through the roots
To memories of you
Back through time and space
To carry home
The faces and the names
And these photographs of you
Rescued from the flames

And one promise you made
One promise that always remains
No matter the price
A promise to survive
Persevere and thrive
And dare to rise once more
A promise to survive
Persevere and thrive
And fill the world with life
As we've always done

Breathing...

My oldest friend who stood by me when I was the unaccepted fat dork of a child who created her own research projects and wore huge ugly glasses posted this today. I have seen her twice in 20+ years, but sometimes it feels like what she writes gets right to me. She doesn't know that... nor does she know this blog exists (since realistically only a handful of people have known about it). But, I'd like to thank Deb for putting things in perspective. These are hard times and sad times... so here's to whatever better times lay ahead.

Or as Don Henley would say...
There are people in your life
Who've come and gone
They let you down
You know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby
'Cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger
It'll eat you up inside baby

I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So, I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness

Quotes

"The question is isn't whether you should stay or go. The question is: How would your life be transformed if you chose to love this time with all your intelligence?" - Cheryl Strayed

Guess I'm not very smart, Ms. Strayed.

Sums up my week

Nothing beats a meme...

When you have none of your own words left.

Today in 15 seconds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcuYZCv3cKM

Enjoying the spoils

It's rare that I take a minute to stop and breathe in my own space. So here I am, beer in hand, enjoying the spoils of what I've worked my ass off for every day...

Sun, comfy chair and backyard. Music blasting... life is good today. Need more moments like this.

Pop song

Sometimes you're just a girl who really misses her boy.

https://youtu.be/gG4YoG9i8qM

Every day is a chance to get better...

These days, I've slowed my roll when it comes to posting on social media. It's exhausting having to respond or having people think they know you, when they don't. I'll wish everyone a happy birthday... maybe share a funny post or two, but, I'm losing the urge to participate in online life.

So why am I posting here? This has always been my sacred little go-to place, which is it can't be found unless you have the link. Very few people bother to read this or check it, so it's typically where I can be myself.

Here's the truth: I'm tired. I'm so painfully, desperately drained when it comes to the game of life. That's not exactly the sorta thing that Facebook likes, or actually, it's the exact thing some people on Facebook loves because then it allows people to feel like they're part of some special drama.

Someone posted "every day is a chance to get better," which apparently was for their son's baseball game. Funny how sometimes those things take on way different meaning when you read them.

I'm hoping for better. Way, way better.

Music helps... here's lyrics from a favorite:

Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it again
I've not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

 

Ways to Know Today is Not Your Day

1) Being stuck in some much traffic that you're racing for a train.

2) Slipping while getting on said train.

3) The red cap luggage people asking for help because they think you're pregnant.

4) Getting a seat only to wonder why you're soaking wet because you're literally the only train seat that has water pouring down from the rain.

5) Knowing that all of this only leads to 3 full days of work travel.

6) Hurting from feeling like no matter how all of the above happened, you're more sad about how the bigger picture is going.

Life happens... but sometimes things just really suck.

All of the above

Not sure if it was the personal pickup, the excited dog or all the work I've been doing on myself... but for the first time ever the only thing that comes to mind as it is so good to be home. There's just nothing like coming home. So many long work weeks ahead of her once I feel like I just can't wait to be back where I belong.

Yeehaw...

I'm the last person who would ever thought that I would enjoy country music, despite how many of my friends love it. Admittedly, it has slowly grown on me over the last decade. I found myself not only watching Country Strong but downloading the album, same for Weary Kind from Crazy Heart. (Ok, yes, I do have a soundtrack addiction.)

All that aside, this song is one that sticks out. I didn't realize that I've been humming it in my head for about 21 months now. I was so excited about meeting someone so special, that I literally had a full-blown panic attack that everything was so right that something had to be wrong. I really wasn't used to things going right.

Struggling with a racing pulse, I curled up into him and asked him to calm me down. He sang this song...worked like a charm. My guess is it would still work...but I will always remember that moment being totally vulnerable and trusting all at the same time. Not exactly my typical self and I'm glad that I wasn't.

Seriously...

Long hard life search...the person who completes me is the one that finds the humor in this meme, but also knows it would be an actual conversation between us.