Yeehaw...

I'm the last person who would ever thought that I would enjoy country music, despite how many of my friends love it. Admittedly, it has slowly grown on me over the last decade. I found myself not only watching Country Strong but downloading the album, same for Weary Kind from Crazy Heart. (Ok, yes, I do have a soundtrack addiction.)

All that aside, this song is one that sticks out. I didn't realize that I've been humming it in my head for about 21 months now. I was so excited about meeting someone so special, that I literally had a full-blown panic attack that everything was so right that something had to be wrong. I really wasn't used to things going right.

Struggling with a racing pulse, I curled up into him and asked him to calm me down. He sang this song...worked like a charm. My guess is it would still work...but I will always remember that moment being totally vulnerable and trusting all at the same time. Not exactly my typical self and I'm glad that I wasn't.

Seriously...

Long hard life search...the person who completes me is the one that finds the humor in this meme, but also knows it would be an actual conversation between us.

Finding love on the internets

I've managed to fall in love twice online. The first time, was with deep brown soulful eyes, dark black complexion and very furry. Today is the second anniversary of the day my life would first change for the better. The day that I would become responsible for caring for someone else. I still remember how nervous I was to meet my sweet dog. I had no idea how much she and I had in common - both coming from recently, rough pasts; needing to be nursed back to health. It was an easy road but she was so gentle and chill, we made our way through. She's learned to be by my side whenever I'm sick, and loves to try to derail my stress by rolling around in the grass and staring at me.

What both of us didn't know is that just a few months later, we would fall for another special someone online. My dog and I staring at his picture (because you always need your dog's approval) and listening to him when we first spoke on the phone. He was more excited to meet her, which I actually took as a good sign.

Well, we've all been through a lot since, but we've managed to make ourselves a little family ruled by our furry leader (Lisa). She lets us sit on the couch occasionally...she loves to watch hockey with her dad. And, she also loves sneaking upstairs for a cuddle with me too.

For all the stress and crap we go through, having each other is a pretty great thing. It's made the house a home...one that we were all desperately seeking. You can't beat that.

Smooches
G

Every Brilliant Thing

Today isn't the easiest of days for me. It's become a day of reflection. It's hard to believe that 4 years have gone by...when I thought life was opening a new and somewhat final chapter for me.

Turns out, life had other plans beyond what I had expected. While I'm a fan of plot twists and turns, I don't know that anyone saw what was to come.

It hasn't been easy or pretty. It's been a long, tough road and I have the scars to prove it. I know now that life won't stop there. Another year, another battle. I still do my best to remain inspired.

On my own today, I fell upon two things that hit home. The first was the HBO special, Every Brilliant Thing, which was a beautifully written and well acted play about someone struggling to cope with his mother's depression and ultimate suicide. How he had to transform his life to create beauty in the hopes he could show his mother that life was worth living.

It was mind blowing, tear jerking and relatable.

The second was 3 Facebook posts from my man, Marc Broussard which chronicled his journey with his now wife. A story I had no idea about and made me admire a woman who embodies unconditional love and support. I realize I'm incredibly biased but when he describes how his wife's love changed him just by being there and never faltering...gave me chills and hope.

If you get time, both are worth the watch and the read.

2017 is coming fast. It is certainly not set up to be a smooth merry go round. Time to buckle up for the new roller coaster and try to enjoy the ride.

Smooches
G

Hardly working...

I've probably whined nearly the entire time I've had this blog about work. My industry is known for overwork and underpaid..why it's always listed in the top 5 most stressful jobs.

I'm not supposed to have excess stress for health reasons but that has yet to stop me. Why? Because I have great passion for doing what I do. I used to truly believe in what I did. I had the benefit of hearing from patients that what I did actually helped them. As a chronic patient myself and someone who isn't happy unless I'm helping others, that made all it worthwhile.

I think it's fair to say that I have no problem with working hard. What I have a problem with is not working smart. Sadly, I no longer work somewhere that values working smart and efficiently. This just sucks. Especially since the work I do continues the work I started. There are experts in the field that know what my contribution has been. There are college kids who even study a chapter in public health that is about my work, which I helped write. There's value in that. I actually did something that left a mark. A small mark, but I got to be part.

It's after midnight, I've taken my third train in 3 days. I've worked more than 30 hours in 2 days. That's just not right.

So here's hoping for a little Christmas or New Years miracle that I can finally find a new place where I'm valued, happy and is a better fit.

Lifeline

My dear, dear friends -

There has yet to been a time, when my most favorite party of the year hasn't come at the most perfect time.

While I'm still a good 40+ working hours and 3 days away from it...I need this moment. I've needed it every year.

It's the one of the few moments that I can look around and think to myself that there's one quote that always rings true "No man who has friends is a failure."

Every year, without fail, I feel like a failure since I always manage to somehow screw something up.

No one will ever get why it makes me happy. Mostly because I go overboard. But, from my heart, I thank you all for encapsulating a year of love in one night.

Miss you already

In true thanksgiving terms... here is my "G got sick and spent way too much time with Amazon prime" text to my bestie.

Happy birthday, wherever you are...

Today would've been my grandmother's birthday, which I've posted years before. It's been almost 20 years since she passed, but I still hear her like she's right beside me. Sometimes when it's not exactly convenient because she was famous for her not so PC one liners... so, when someone is acting rude, I hear her say things like "that woman is a real tomato (pronounced tom-MAY-ta)." Or her love/hate relationship with the Dragon Lady aka our Chinese food restaurant where she would get her lobster imperial dish. Or when she would take off to AC and get in trouble with my dad because she never told anyone and they'd be worried sick.

She still makes me laugh out loud when I think of those things.

I still shed a tear every time I remember walking into her house and her randomly shouting "Gina, I just LOVE YOU." She used to hug me so hard when she did that. I never knew why, but when I hug my nieces, I think I get it... at least a piece of it. 

Time is supposed to heal wounds and make it easier. But, it's been two decades without her, over three decades without my Poppie, the man who arguably loved me more than anyone in this world ever would or could. (That's no offense to my dad, superhero or friends...just this guy really adored me like no other). I never stop missing them. I hope they're having fun where they are, but I hope they miss me too because most of the time I would give anything to have them here just for a minute. Tell me where I'm going right, going wrong... hell even boost my ego for a minute and tell me I'm still the best kid ever.

This is why I'm a big advocate of never taking your family (or friends or anything you love) for granted. Don't miss something important in their lives because of your job or because "you'll see them tomorrow". I've made that mistake. You can't get those moments back. Ever.

So happy birthday, Grandma... wherever you are... may it be filled with slots that all line up in 7s, a nice cold beer or a good perfect Manhattan. I love you.

A lot to post, but this hits home

I have awesome insights from my cousin and I couldn't be happier I escaped the world in a small town. But this...even after all the what ifs, the explanations of government...this brought me to tears. May my little girl's never ever lose hope that they can conquer the world. I will not let them. I will spend my life defending them because they deserve it. And I don't won't let them ever feel defeated.

This is us

There's just no way to explain how crazy life is right now.

But there are moments. The other night, when everyone else was fast asleep, and I laid watching whatever dumb thing I DVR'd...one hand tightly held by my snoring superhero, my legs trapped by the very loud, snoring dog who refuses to allow me personal space...

Well, this apparently is Us. It made me laugh and smile as I realized, this is what I blogged about so many times long ago... suburbia, a dog, a washer and dryer, a home (chronically in need of repair)...someone to share it all with that keeps me sane and laughing.

It's so, so far from perfect. But, laying there, being suffocated by love. There are worse things in the world. We've been through hell, we're still going through chaos, but here we are. All of us. Together.

It is truly about who you want to be in the foxhole with...who has your back (and we have an army of them)...and who makes you smile, even when you don't want to.

It's the little things, which make the bigger picture. Its super hard to recognize in most moments but knowing it's there is so Important.

Wishing you all the best...

I'm sorry that I'm at a loss for my own words or even my own time to write them. Best I can do is pass along my best wishes to all. I spend my few moments of downtime smiling at seeing how people seem to be doing...all looks well on the outside. Grateful to see that.

Us the Duo

I guess talented singers also make for smart writers. Good tweets from them:

It's easy to waste A LOT of time & energy trying to control an outcome. Do the absolute best you can and the outcome will be as it should.

Text/call/skype anybody important in your life today & say hello or I love you or "just checking in". Show love while you have the chance.

Fair warning

If I ever did write a book...

A day to remember

It's amazing how different a couple of years can make...here's what I wrote then: 

Watching two of my closest guys work their asses off in the pouring rain is not only a feeling of gracefulness, but humility. Sometimes when you have no choice left but to ask for help it opens you to a world you never saw. 

Thankful for the ongoing love and support for all of the people in my life. 

September 13

Gratitude!
     Tears melting into
mountain snow

Soen Nakagawa

Today, as you go through your day, notice everything for which you are grateful.

Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice by Cheri Huber.

365 days of inspirational quotes, encouragement, and daily assignments supporting awareness practice.

http://appstore.com/TransformYourLife

I think it's about...

Forgiveness. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Some people have asked how I can forgive so much from so many people who have wronged me. I never had words to explain beyond Don Henley's "you keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside." I think this quote does a better job. I don't like to have hate in my heart. I have enough immune system problems to have that nonsense hold me back too. Live, let live and most importantly...let go. (Or as Elsa would say "let it go.")

That time when...

You've managed to cram a lifetime in 5 "days off"...wouldn't be my life if the universe didn't keep me on my toes I guess. Here's to the moments of calm and the rainbows from the rain.

And I'm spent...

Not to brag but ... Logged 45+ hours in 4 days, Urgent care w my dad, dodged a poisonous spider, dog fight w Lisa and me screaming in the streets and neighbors watching but no one came
To help..., complete breakdown into hysterics. best. Day. Off. Ever.

Hours before that, I look outside to see a little man in my backyard, which scared the fuck out of me bc my gates are locked. But the gate lock doesn't work and my parents decided they were "surprising" me by getting an estimate on my landscaping bc apparently they don't like it. Enough.

Please make sure my tombstone reads "she helped everyone except herself."

Chaos

Just too much. Way too much. I started to have a decent day yesterday but that quickly turned to shit...but before that I heard a new song and lyrics that made me happy. At least at the start of yesterday... 

That's life...or at least my life. Enjoy some Home by Blue October...while I wonder if I will ever fine mine.

We found 

Our home

Something we can build for years

The young

And old

I'll be there to wipe your tears

We all get to see

Who we grow up to be

And anchor when in doubt

An ocean when in drought

We aim for it all

We lift of these walls

To make this house our home

Guess so...

The political debates on social media are typically too moronic to engage in, but once in awhile I feel the need to comment. One of my way left friends posted about the hypocrisy that Trump has had 3 wives with countless kids, yet the conservative republicans have never even addressed that. I do find that fascinating since they're typically repressed, which gives us the bonus of a good summer sex scandal (Larry Craig, Herman Craig, Newt, Boehner, Mark Sandford, even Giuliani...and if you google this, the list is tremendous).

At any rate, I commented that I am surprised that there are women who support the Donald given all that fact plus all the others of how he treats woman. As usual, a Trump supporter trolled on in and went on about how certain women like being treated like crap or are just listening to their husbands. I find the comment hilarious as well...but realized immediately you can't argue stupid. So I simple told the troll that I would just defer to my friend on what kind of woman I was. His response:

"G is the strong willed, headline loving, whiskey drinking, tough cookie, workhorse type of woman living in an exhaustingly long winded world."

I think he accidentally wrote my new bio, but I love that no matter how much time passes, he still gets me.

Definitely