Opening Pandora's box

It's been a quiet few days for me. There so many questions and challenges on the table. I have to admit, I'm very overwhelmed. What's funny is I keep trying to figure out where I fit. This is a question I frequently ask myself since I don't seem to fit any particular mold. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't fit the typical suburban life. I don't exactly fit urban life either, since I would prefer being surrounded by friends and family. I like my hometown, my house, my quiet. It's not that I don't want things to change or want some of the more traditional aspects of life. It's just not what happened for me. So as a cardplayer, you sometimes have to go with the hand dealt.

But, you also have the option to fold. You can walk away from the table. I find myself constantly accommodating and working hard to adapt to everyone else's needs, doing my best to conform. Turns out that's not working so well for me either. I end up becoming a version of myself that isn't me at all. It makes me sad and breeds resentment.

I'm not sure how things are going to wind up. But I've been asking the universe for some signs, as I sit basically paralyzed trying to think through all this. Today, I got one.

My best gal sent me a text asking if I had a boa. Of course, I'm delighted to be the natural go to person on something like this. I used to display my beads, my pink wig and all of my boas with pride. Until one day I was told they all had to go. I took a stack of beads into my old office for a party. I was worried that I had thrown everything else away and I would have to let my friend and her daughter down. I get it just means going to a dollar store and buying a boa, but it would disappoint me.

Yet, there in the depths of my closet was a box filled with everything I thought I had given up and lost. It hit me. These things are part of who I am. And I had to choose to give them up, hide them as if I should be ashamed of being my true self.

It was quite a moment for me. It's time for me to stop accommodating and become me again. Whatever form that takes. There are some things I want and I love more than anything. But I need to realize that I need to be loved for exactly who I am. Otherwise I'm just becoming some other version of myself that I don't like. To be continued...