Peace.

My last trip to Vegas, last full day. Just me walking the Strip alone and enjoying a fabulous little restaurant in the Venetian listening to Sinatra, eating prosciutto and drinking Bellinis. Nine years ago. It was a great day. One I cherish. 

Flash forward to today. Another moment to cherish…sitting on new couches cuddled up with my furry munchkin. Furniture shopping was a complete delight solo with my sales sidekick, Larry. 

Finally, a fresh start, with a broad smile.

#Facts

I actually think my sober decisions are way worse. 😂. Just a funny haha as I wait for my next round of NyQuil to kick in. Stupid G jinxed herself saying she had an immunity cloak after dodging the fam's multiple Covid bouts and now stuck with an icky cold.

On a brighter, politically incorrect note

Tropic Thunder may be one of the most hilarious, inappropriate movies since Blazing Saddles…but damn, after a week of losing people, being sick and general craptastic-ness, still makes me laugh uncontrollably.

:-(

ugh…found this among my draft posts. Dear Lisa, hope you're having a blast over the rainbow. I don't regret a single second of the below and I'm glad I captured it to remember. 

Eight years with this sassy, stubborn, amazing dog. It's so hard as she ages and I try to give her the best days possible. We got a special harness so I can help her walk up and down the stairs- the equivalent of lifting her like luggage which is no easy feat for me with a nearly 70 pound pup. She hates it, but knows she needs it. I spend most nights sleeping on the couch since she gets too anxious to be alone and to listen to her cry by the stairs is too much. The back pain of mine and lack of sleep means little to know she's calm. The one day she peed herself and didn't know, gut wrenching. Making her meals from scratch, as she gets pickier  - meal prepping, it's my whole life these days. Everyday is bittersweet as her legs get weaker but she wags her tail when she sees me. I set out eight years ago with the goal of giving a dog who didn't have a good chance to get adopted a home. I'm happy I accomplished that, but this just hurts. Especially knowing I don't have the means I need to care for her so all I can do is keep her comfortable.  Her highlight of the day is standing outside the front of the house on leash - a great day is when we make it down the street. Her last good day, her only dog friend stayed by her side, just to make sure she would make it from the end of the block. 

Grateful to the neighbor, who was patient enough to wait. She's too uncomfortable to walk the backyard alone to go to the bathroom, so I help her as we walk together. The pain is real and peace seems so far off. My sweet Angel. 

Mr. Jones and Me

As I feared, last night was his final night. Mr. Jones was an amazing, accomplished man. You would never know that, as he rarely focused on himself.

With dry wit and the best southern drawl I've ever heard, he could make me uncontrollably giggle with one simple word… "asshole." He used that frequently and liberally when it came to my love life.

There are many attributes of his that were amazing including his seemingly unflappable patience when putting up with me and his husband (aka, B aka DC bestie) especially when I still lived down there. One of my favorite memories was the three of us going to a Halloween haunted forest which is noted as one of the scariest haunted events in the US. B and I had gone a few years prior, and we both screamed nonstop. Ever unfazed, Mr. Jones kept pointing out all the scary people before they jumped out, even asking one person if they were cold. At the same time, he put up with me tucked inside his jacket screeching.

The three of us loved going to our favorite DC neighborhood restaurant, aptly named Trios. Mr. Jones loved his fried okra, chicken fried steak and bread. It was a no-brainer for their wedding celebration to be at the same place. It was a second home for us. So much so that despite years away, the staff hugged me when I got to celebrate their wedding.

He was also the inspiration behind my beloved convertible, Fred. I loved his car so much, it was the first thing I thought of when I decided it was time to get back to an irresponsible, fun car.

Mr. Jones was a fast study, he was way too demure about his Jeopardy skills, as B and I would scream the answers.

But of all the amazing things he did, he loved B with all his heart, unconditionally. He helped him evolve to an even better person. They were a perfect combination. I will miss our secret eye rolls coupled with big smiles, when B was being B.

There's never enough time with people who make your life better just by being part of it.

I will miss you, Mr. Jones and I will do my best to take care of your other half, as I promised.

This world will be dimmer without your smile. I will remember your laughter and of course, do my best to steer clear of "assholes."

Smooches,
G

In good times and bad…

This is likely a riff from a not yet posted entry. Having lifelong friends is a commitment like any other. Sometimes, it's your turn to step it up and be the support.

One of my dearest is losing a husband. I've been around my fair share of loss, so I'm equipped to handle. Not that it gets easier or that every time isn't unique. You have to be ready to tune into to any need - joking, sympathy, silence.

I'm sad because this person changed my friend for the better in so many ways. He also put up with all of our crazy antics - and together, we can be a handful.

My only trip outside NJ in the last 16 months was to visit them. My friend was set with so many plans, but when I got there I had to make the harder choice to know what he really needed, which was sleep. Being a caregiver is extremely hard.

We had a lovely weekend and he got some much needed sleep. And while he got rest, I got to have a very long conversation with his husband. I knew quickly that this was the goodbye talk - him telling me how he hoped things would end and what he wants to make sure my friend doesn't forget. We also had an amazing talk where I got to learn so much more about his history. It was a beautiful, bittersweet weekend.

I love both of these gents, beyond words. So to be entrusted by his husband to have a heart-to-heart is not something I take lightly. Sadly, his endgame is near.

So, I hope I'm doing everything as I heard him say and that he gets the peace he deserves.

And after that, my real work begins to make sure that I'm taking care of my friend exactly how his husband asked.

I hate the scenario, but I've had enough support in my life to pay it forward and then some.

Smooches,
G

Ouch

Ugh…been here. Miss her everyday and wouldn't trade any of these moments, however painful.

Emancipation

My last post may have my readers wondering if I let all the wrongs consume me. Truthfully, I can be a decent lyric writer and inspiration hit me after a very long season of listening to my girls - Taylor, Kelsea, Olivia, Kesha and Dua.

To put it mildly, I was robbed. When someone is robbed - of time, money and freedom - it can change a person. I lost a lot recently, but after much reflection I found myself with three options.

Option 1 - Live Jaded. There's a saying that hurt people, hurt people. The world is full of hurt these days. This didn't feel like a great option because I don't want to contribute to the masses of angry people that already exist. To me, it's the easy way out and if you don't see that, I'd advise you to turn on the news.

Option 2 - Seek Vengeance. I have to admit, the Sicilian in me really contemplated this option. It's also one that seems justifiable after what I went through and, moreover, how much pain, hurt and anger my friends and family carried alongside me. If you come for me, come for me. Don't ever come for them, unless you want this to be an option that I execute flawlessly. So what made not choose this? Some things only god can forgive. Trash takes itself out almost every time. But mostly, there is nothing I could do that could ever be worse than living with the weight of what was done to me. Someone who robs, that will be their biggest accomplishment - taking what isn't theirs and pretending it was deserved. Yet, in time, that will eat away at even the smallest of souls. Only you can redeem yourself.

Option 3 - Be My Authentic Self. This is not an easy choice, but it is the right one for me. To be accountable and true to myself, practice what I preach. I realized I needed to carry on and do just that. I shouldn't penalize others for having my kindness mistaken as weakness. Too many people see my unconditional love for exactly what it is - true. I don't want to be stuck in a world of finger pointing and hate. I want to surround myself with fun, love and laughter. The only way to accomplish that, is being the change I want to see in the world around me.

Life is an art, not a science. Growth is not a straightforward trajectory. There are moments when I bend, allow myself to feel the other options, but, I never let it break me. Countless people have commented on my ability to laugh and smile through pain. I've cultivated that ability through a lifetime of hurt. I can't help but see the good in people and I won't fight the desire to do my best to continue to do so. I enjoy making people happy, just no longer at my own expense.

Does it work? Not always. Yet, I have seen more times when all that love that I put out in the world, despite everything, comes back in abundance and in the least expected ways. You just need to look for it and it's there.

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds." - Bob Marley

Smooches,
G

Phoenix Rising

Talons are sharp, fuck you and your tiny violin…the pressure is growing the ashes are flowing. Watch your back, be careful when you say my name. This Phoenix is rising from the flames, damn it all including any rain. 

The embers glow, the mobs of people cheer from below. You won’t even know what hit you…watch and learn because karma is gonna get you. 

Rising up…ready to drink from my victory cup. The path may be long and filled with pain, but all I will do is continue to gain. 

I am the storm. I am your reckoning. You can only hide so long before your time is up. 

What can I say - the mob wants what it wants. Strength comes from within but also with numbers. The underdog is always the champion, no matter how long it takes. The mob grows louder, drowns out the thunder. 

So let me rise, it’s time for my reprise…I will say it again and again…never trust anyone besides your friends. If you don’t know who they are, that’s a shame, but you only have yourself to blame. 

Why I won’t quit blogging

Since 2004, this blog has always been private and I've managed to keep it virtually unsearchable (suck it, Google). Twenty years of my senseless ramblings, favorite lyrics and, when you go way back, my hilarious dating adventures. 

This was never meant to be a public endeavor. I started it to keep my friends in the loop when I made the leap to DC. It serves as many things now, including giving me a view of the good, bad and ugly that I have experienced survived. 

Fun facts:

-Limited people have this link and it includes friends, nonfriends and friends who I've seen grow up into adults. 

-People I don't know and some who have moved out of my life, still have access to and read this blog. I've known this for a long time, given my basic knowledge of Google analytics. 

-My parents still do not know that I have spent 20 years writing this blog. 

There's one missing year, when I was dealing with what I thought would be my only trip to hell and back. Apparently, I'm a glutton for punishment (as noted, see my dating adventures and my failed attempts at marriages - oh yea, that's plural now). We're on a long hiatus from all that though, for everyone's sake and my bank account's health. 

So for those who weren't born in the 1900s, let me preface with "trigger warning." I have plenty of posts that haven't been published and many things that some people will not want to read. 

I won't let this censor me, but I would suggest if it bothers you, my dear readers, then you should go ahead and lose this link. While our rights keep diminishing, especially as women, I will continue to write (as eloquently put by the once funny Bam Margera) whatever the fuck I want. So for those of you who are still reading, buckle up, I have a lot to say. 

"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand."

- Leonardo da Vinci

Smooches,

G

Puppy love

True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. - Wedding Crashers

Yea, it's a weird movie to quote about puppy love. But it's also quite awesome to witness. 

Not talking about me, natch…bc true love and I go together like icebergs and the titanic. 

My dog, that's a different story. Despite being a gangster in the streets, her heart melted for one dog… our neighbor dog, Miles. It was mutual. He showed patience and kindness…their mutual whining at each other was so cute. 

One of Lisa's last days walking to the end of the block, her love was there. He waited for her and walked so, so slowly to make sure she got home. Lisa was winding down at this point. That did not deter her love Miles, and thankfully, Miles' mom understood and let him help her get home. 

So when Lisa crossed the rainbow bridge, I didn't have the regular schedule to see her beau. But one day I was outside and he pushed his mom to come see me. I knew him for years, but he was slow, sniffed me and when I went down to pet him, he gave me kisses on my nose. My heart sank a bit, because it felt like a clear message. 

It took only 3 months for Miles to join Lisa over the rainbow. He slowed significantly after she left. It broke my heart to see him walking from my office window. But, I never stopped believing in love…and as sad as it is, my belief grew stronger with the hope that these two are pain free and together…somewhere over the rainbow. 

The Ultimate Champion

I'm so blessed. I've had a life full of friends and family that have loved me unconditionally. People may not appreciate the full value of what that truly means. But I do.

Last year, I faced one of the hardest decisions of my life - to humanely end the life of someone that I would lay down my own life for.

Eight years ago, I made a decision to adopt a dog. But no ordinary dog - a true underdog. Someone just like me. I researched and learned that middle-aged dogs with black fur are the least adoptable dogs. Off to Petsmart I went and found a lovely guy named Bear. He was a crowd pleaser, show stopper - a no brainer to match me. I put in an application and got a call. Bear is great, but we think there is another dog that may be better for you.

Her name was Lisa. I had seen her months before. Her soulful brown eyes spoke in a way that words couldn't. Heart wrenching was when the foster mom brought both of them to the house. But it was clear, Lisa was meant to be here.

Being a new dog parent is scary. I had dogs growing up, but when the door closes and it's just the two of you…it gets real quickly. That first night, when everyone left, I remember wondering if this sweet girl could even jump on the bed. We went upstairs and she leapt up like Max did for the Grinch on the sled.

She was my everything from that second. I built my world around her with a promise to give her the best possible life.

Lisa and I were both underdogs. She was an injured stray, I was also injured but not in the same way.

There's so much more to tell, but when her health went, so did my heart. Months of barely sleeping on the couch, not even realizing how exhausted and how much physical pain I was under. Missing events just to care for her, nonstop food prepping of home cooked meals…nothing else mattered.

And then came the toughest of days, I learned something I knew but never faced. I would always joke that my amazing, sarcastic dog would love anyone but me. Yet, on that dreadful day, I learned how long and how much she was actually living for me. I've had the unfortunate luck of putting two other dogs to sleep. They both went quietly.

My girl, my dog, fought so hard that she had multiple rounds of sedation. She yelped and pushed until I grabbed her and told her that I would be ok. That she had to let me go. That there were people to protect and love me, and my bestie and sister were with us both. Nothing says friendship more than not even calling your best friend, and having her burst through the vet door because someone else did for you.

How hard Lisa fought will stay with me forever. It may be the one true love I've had. I miss her so much but I already did. I just never fully understood how much she loved me. I'm so grateful.

Lisa Marie Presley Mangiaracina (January 2015-June 2023)

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

I'm a Barbie girl

It's true that Barbie land may not truly exist, but I can attest that there is an underground Barbie world. So many shout outs to all the women (and yes, some men) who have been so phenomenally supportive and helpful as I work to get my life back.

It's been a disastrous 16 months that involved just about anything I could think of and some things that I never imagined would wind up on my dumpster fire bingo card (thank you mama raccoon and mouse I accidentally murdered). This includes but is not limited to replacing hot water heaters, various other parts of my house to animals, and especially putting down my beloved Lisa…

But through it all, every time I thought I would break or fall, I was lifted up - either by my ridiculously over-tested tenacity or by others. I don't take any of it for granted. You see, there's too much in this world that money can't buy. I'm glad I learned that lesson a long time ago. Kindness may get abused by the wrong people, but it is not a weakness when seen by the right ones.

So once again, the Gina Mangiaracina mantra of "nevertheless, she persisted" has proven to be spot on.

Now, let's get back to the business of partying like it's 1999.

Smooches,
G

Why I love this so much…

This quote is a great illustration of my life. So blessed and grateful to have so many people to love me for exactly who I am and meet me wherever I am at any given moment. The most wonderful and scary thing about that is there is no hiding your true self. There is always someone to hold you accountable for the good, the bad and the ugly. The best part is you have all those same people with you to laugh, cry and yes, even make fun of you for everything. But they always lift you up when you fall (even if they laugh first).

That's what makes it ok to try and fail. It's called unconditional love and support and it is immeasurable.

My 1/3 is 🔥

You can't take my history.
You could take my pa,
But his name's a mystery.
Nothing you can take from me was ever worth keeping.

You can't take my charm.
You can't take my humor.
You can't take my wealth,
'Cause it's just a rumor.
Nothing you can take from me was ever worth keeping.

Thinking you're so fine.
Thinking you can have mine.
Thinking you're in control.
Thinking you'll change me, maybe rearrange me.
Think again, if that's your goal,
'Cause...

You can't take my sass.
You can't take my talking.
You can kiss my ass
And then keep on walking.
Nothing you can take from me was ever worth keeping.

No, sir,
Nothing you can take me from me is worth dirt.
Take it, 'cause I'd give it free. It won't hurt.
Nothing you can take from me was ever worth keeping!

Praying

Well, you almost had me fooled

Told me that I was nothing without you

Oh, but after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
'Cause I can make it on my own, oh
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh
Someday, maybe you'll see the light
Whoa oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

Yeah! (I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin')
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

Quotes of note, part deux

Alex Trebek would call this category "potpourri"….

We'll be drinking margaritas by the sea, mamacita.

You know what…I'm tired of dumbing it down. I'm tired of pretending to be interested in the mundane. I don't want to do either again. I used to think it was just about hating someone trying to control me…count my drinks…but it's so much more that I let take over me. If you don't appreciate learning new things and having new experiences then onward to the next. 

People feel things that are inconvenient. It sucks, but it happens. 

I'm never the one. People can smell it on me. 

You're right. People don't have their shit together, but for our sake, we have to try harder. 

I think a lot of people would like to be upfront about a lot of things but honesty doesn't just spill out of a lot of people. I think it should. 

Get one last look at this hot fucking mess my friends! She has served us well. 

He was curious about everyone and everything. That's why being able to hold his curiosity felt so good. 

It is complete now to ends of time are nearly tied. It is complete now, two ends of time are neatly tied...a one way street she walked it til the end of the line...and there she meets the faces she keeps in her heart and mind. They say, goodbye, tomorrow Wendy you're going to die. 

To avoid sadness is also to avoid love. 

The opposite of love is indifference. 

Do not stand

Do not stand at my grave and weep 

I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry; 
I am not there. I did not die.

Quotes of note

Randomness that I've collected over the years…

"I went searching for blood family but found chosen family instead"

A tree that bends is stronger than one that breaks 

Is the definition of life constant adaptions brought on by a series of never ending series of mistakes

Never tire of the smallest discovery, always see the magic in the ordinary

Your days are numbered. Use them to throw open the windows of your soul to the sun.

Breathe. You're the same girl who had a major life altering procedure, went home for thanksgiving and ran an event at the Capitol three days later. The pain you have is temporary even though it feels never ending. And it sucks, you know it sucks. And it hurts. And you cry. So many tears. It never stops. Almost 30 years, countless tears and it still doesn't stop. There are no answers, you've worked for countless patients, to help them get well and no one can help. 

The worse thing about being deceived is knowing you weren't worth the truth

I had absolutely no interest in being somebody else's muse. I am not a muse. I am the somebody. End of fucking story. 

More issues than just a box of tissues. 

Today, is the beginning of a transformative day in my life. Today is the big 4-0 and for me, it is time to imagine my life as I wish it to be and allowing myself to become immersed in the realness and joy of it. Always and forever, I am thankful for my family and my friends for the all of the love, laughter and happiness. - Big L

I know it hurts but sometimes you have to see a man for how they really are not how they were or could be. 

"I don't understand a God that would let us meet if we can't ever be together."

"It's a scary thing how quickly the people you are closest to can become strangers."

Veronica: "You know what I want, babe?"
J.D.: "What?"
Veronica: "Cool guys like you out of my life."

To everyone here who matters, you're vapor, you're spam, a waste of perfectly good yearbook space, and nothing's ever gonna change that.

Don’t be one of those bastards…

I'm not alone…it seems like everyone is having a rough go.. waiting for a new year and fresh start…but, it's still the season, and for that I'm grateful…so, here's my favorite monologue from my actual favorite Christmas movie. While I quote Christmas Vacation daily, this movie always has my heart: 

It's Christmas Eve! It's... it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we... we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be. It's a... miracle. It's really a sort of a miracle. Because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it, I know what I am talking about. You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to get involved. There are people that are having... having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, or people that are cold. You can go out and say hello to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say "Here!", you can make them a sandwich and say "Oh, by the way, here!" I... I get it now! And if you... if you give, then it can happen, then the miracle can happen to you! It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's everybody's who's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow. You won't be one of these bastards who says "Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud", it's NOT! It can happen every day, you've just got to want that feeling. And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it! You'll want it every day of your life and it can happen to you! I believe in it now! I believe it's going to happen to me now! I'm ready for it! And it's great. It's a good feeling, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I, I, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody.

Making of a Murderer

Somehow, I have angered the animal community this year... I turned up the heat yesterday and heard this giant squealing noise and the whole heater went nuts. I turned it off, then it kicked back on and started rattling. Today, the heat guy came and told me it was likely the motor and about $700… He got the part… then found the issue - it was a mouse in the motor, apparently trying to be a hamster So, I'm now 4 hornets nests in (2 found after the removal), 1 raccoon and a mouse down. The only humor in all this is that the heat guy kept saying "you're a murderer" and that I didn't have to replace an entire furnace.  

Add that to the broken hot water heater, shower head, leaking sunroom and broken front door…homeownership ain't for the weak.

Praying for a better 2024.

Captured

This little momma cost thousands in damages, broke multiple vents, part of the roof and separated the drain pipe from the roof. She's safe to have her babies elsewhere now.

To Catch a Predator

Oh relax, not that type. Instead, amidst having absolutely nothing else going on and with fall client madness in full swing… I now am enjoying the fun of trapping a raccoon that broke into my attic, took out a drain pipe, part of the roof and knocked out a gable vent.

Since I'm the type of person who literally can't hurt a fly without screaming bloody murder, I got to find out that Mount Laurel no longer covers animal control as part of our taxes. Yay for another $1,000 to hire animal control…on top of that, the interior damage isn't covered by homeowners insurance and my deductible is another grand for the exterior. 

And here I thought the volleyball size hornets nests were bad. Ha!  

This is all, of course, if I can get my very noisy nighttime partying house guest to vacate.

Life just keeps getting better. Every. Single. Day.

used, abused and so confused

While I would still much rather be rocking my own gypsy soul…unfortunately, here's the aspiration while I continue to await my release. Thoughts and prayers…as I continue the never ending climb out of the darkness. 

When all the dark clouds roll away

And the sun begins to shine

I see my freedom from across the way
And it comes right in on time
Well it shines so bright and it gives so much light
And it comes from the sky above
Make me feel so free, make me feel like me
And it lights my life with love

And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like, yes it feels like
A brand new day
A brand new day
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I was lost and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was long-time hurt and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I've been used, abused and so confused
And I didn't have nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun

And it seems like, yes it feels like
And it seems like, oh yes it feels like
A brand new day
A brand new day
Yeah, yeah

And the sun shines down all on the ground
Yeah, and the grass is oh so green
And my heart is still and I've got the will
And I don't really feel so mean
Here it comes, here it comes
Here it comes right now
And it comes right in on time
Well it eases me and it pleases me
And it satisfies my mind

And it seems like, yes it feels like
And it seems like, yes it feels like
A brand new day
A brand new day
Yeah, yeah, yeah
A brand new day

Seems like a brand new day
Feels like a brand new day
Seems like a brand new day
Feels like a brand new day
Seems like a brand new day

Best believe

My love of glitter is forever… I can still make the whole place shimmer.

You’re welcome, America

We'll take this way too far…

There’s someone for everyone

Or some saying…I have a lot of someones out there. But, my 1/3 knows me way better than anyone should. By now, she's likely found my Easter egg hunt that I left for her here.

1/3 - thank you for all the music that is now on repeat. Thank you for being exactly who you are - authentic, kind, genuine. Thank you for loving me as much as I love you.

That's one of the more magical things about not having your own kids, but watching these, now young adults, grow up. Each one of them is fearless in their own way, with a distinct personality. And, as far as I can tell, they're never afraid to be exactly who they are.

That's a choice I made years ago, and it's a hard one. Conforming was never in the cards for me and has only led to my failures. But, those aside, I've never been ashamed to be who I am…quirky, weird with a voice that sounds like a Muppet. I laugh too loud, too hard and yes, I do, in fact, sing unabashedly throughout my old people ShopRite when grocery shopping. I'm the person who years after it was cool screams YOLO and runs out of a car to jump on swings on the beach as I look up at the stars.

You can love me, maybe you hate me…or a healthy mix of both, but it's something that can never be taken away.

It's funny…before these kids that I consider a part of me were around, I spent my time mentoring interns. And amazingly, although they are now either my equals career wise or well beyond me, one still calls every New Year's at midnight - no matter where he is. Another has to text me if there's a political debate on or something amusing that we can still laugh about 15 years later.. and just recently, yet another called for career advice. We haven't worked together or even seen each other for 7 years, but I was her first call. I still keep the handwritten thank you note from her right by my desk, to remind me that my actions make a difference. An hour of my time to help her think, tell her all the pitfalls I fell into and remind her of her worth, meant a lot to her, but probably more to me.

I could spend my time in sadness - I have plenty to be upset about…I could be angry, and the people who love me would find that more than justified at the moment. But, that's not who I am and there's little point my wasting my time on the awfulness that keeps trying to tear me down and creep in, when I can push back with love and hope in my heart.

And while that's priceless, it's only found when you are your authentic self and have spent a lifetime cultivating an amazing tribe of friends and family who embrace you with love and support.

Every day.

https://youtu.be/D_Vg4uyYwEk

Heartfelt thanks

Despite everything, I continue to find ways to be grateful for the little things. So, thank you to everyone who has helped me. This has always been one of my favorite songs…

Some days are diamonds 

Some days are rocks 
Some doors are open 
Some roads are blocked 

Sundowns are golden 
Then fade away 
But if I never do nothing 
I'll get you back some day 

'Cause you got a heart so big 
It could crush this town 
And I can't hold out forever 
Even walls fall down 

And all around your island 
There's a barricade 
It keeps out the danger 
It holds in the pain 

Sometimes you're happy 
Sometimes you cry 
Half of me is ocean 
Half of me is sky 

But you got a heart so big 
It could crush this town 
And I can't hold out forever 
Even walls fall down 

And some things are over 
Some things go on 
And part of me you carry 
Part of me is gone 

But you got a heart so big 
It could crush this town 
And I can't hold out forever 
Even walls fall down 

Baby you got a heart so big 
It could crush this town 
And I can't hold out forever 
Even walls fall down 
They fall down

Light bulb!

When you're on your own, sometimes it's just better to laugh at your mistakes. Today's lesson: all light bulbs are not the same size.

But at least I still have the historical lesson I learned that a raw potato does not, in fact, remove a broken bulb from a fixture. Thanks again to my DC security guard for coming to my rescue back then. Sadly in the burbs, I rescue myself which involves yet another Amazon return.

Heeee-yaaa!!

I don't start shit, but I can tell you how it ends 

Future

Someday, I'll be living in a big old city

Adulting

I should not be left to my own devices
They come with prices and vices

Oldie but goodie

And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
And when we go crashing down, we come back every time
'Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style

Top 13%

They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one 

:-)

No amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity

Enjoy

I keep my side of the street clean.

Easter eggs

I recently just heard the term "Easter eggs"…I had no idea what it meant. Today, I found one hidden in my Spotify account. 

I saw it coming
Like a knife into my stomach
And there ain't no use in running
While she's twisting it
Ran out of patience
Told me I'm both kinds of wasted
Like this, self-deprecation that I'm swimming in
This candle's burning at both ends
I think I'm learning there's a point of no returning
This is it

She says I'm a scumbag
Wants to take her love back
Story of my life
Why am I such an asshole?
Everything is my fault
Happens every time
Why?

Can't even argue
I'm too fucked up, it's too hard to
Smashed my heart in like a cartoon
There's no fixing it (yeah)
But what's the difference between broken love and prison?
She said "Why you never listen?"
'Least I think she did (yeah)

I don't know, I don't know how it got so bad
But it got so bad
I don't know why I make you sad

She says I'm a scumbag
Wants to take her love back
Story of my life
Why am I such an asshole?
Everything is my fault
Happens every time
Why? (ooh, why?)

I know, I know that she hates me
I know, I know that she can't take me
I hope she knows I can't face myself right now
I don't know, I don't know how it got so bad
When it got so bad
I don't know why I make you sad

She says I'm a scumbag
Wants to take her love back
Story of my life
Why am I such an asshole?
Everything is my fault
Happens every time
Why?

I know, I know that she hates me
I know, I know that she can't take me
I know she knows that it breaks me down, down, down
I know, I know that she hates me
I know, I know that she can't take me
I hope she knows I can't face myself right 

Ending

Kudos to New Amsterdam for a perfectly written finale and even better Kodaline tune. 

I never seen it coming
I couldn't read the signs
Now I know that it means nothing
But you are always on my mind

I got tricked into believing
You were the only one for me
But the truth can be deceiving
And I was just too young to see

They told me
Everything works out in the end
Everything works out in the end
They told me
Everything works out in the end
Everything works out in the end
Oh, oh

You got me treading on the water
'Cause I've never learned to swim
Now that it's all over
I better learn to start again

Carry on

Well, I woke up to the sound of silence and cries
Were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains and heart like the Fourth of July

You swore and said we are not
We are not shining stars
This I know, I never said we are
Though I've never been through Hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone, or you're sinkin' like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked about how our parents will die
All our neighbors and wives

But I'd like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me

If you're lost and alone or you're sinkin' like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, and
Carry on

Whoa, my head is on fire, but my legs are fine
After all, they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door, hold the phones, show me how
No one's ever gonna stop us now

'Cause we are, we are shining stars
We are invincible, we are who we are
On our darkest day when we're miles away
So we'll come, we will find our way home

If you're lost and alone or you're sinkin' like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, and
Carry on